I saw the slogan “Attack the Issues – Not Each Other!” posted in an article on tips for a successful marriage yesterday and it led me to think about all the times in life that a conflict could have been resolved easily with better communication and without attacking the other person through words. For many of us, this remains a difficult and complex challenge that can cause damage to a marriage, destroy business partnerships and inflict emotional wounds on our children and loved ones.
It is said that “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me” but I would venture to say that for most people this saying could not be farther from the truth. Words do hurt and they can cause harm to people sometimes leaving such great emotional scars that it takes years for people to get past them.
It is easy to lash out at another including those people we love the most when we are feeling angry, hurt, betrayed or defensive. Often times we react to something without taking the time to think before we launch an attack of words. It can be a very complex challenge when we ourselves have “old tapes” in our heads that have led to destructive and unhealthy communication habits.
These habits can become ingrained in us and can be very difficult to change even with the best of intentions and the recognition that our words can be hurtful. However, there are things we can do to try and improve on our communication styles when faced with a conflict or difficult situation.
1. Be aware of your own personal way of handling a conflict and the direction you tend to take when communicating with others while angry or hurt. Creating awareness and recognizing any communication issue can be the first step to making a change.
2. As I mentioned earlier, attack the issue and not the person. If two people join together in attacking an issue or problem there can be much faster resolution and ultimately feelings can be protected from hurt.
3. Don’t react! When feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, afraid or frustrated take a step back and pause a moment before saying anything. There is power in pausing and it allows you the time to think before speaking. Take a deep breath while you pause.
4. Respond with a calm tone and choose your words carefully. Remember words do hurt so choosing words that do not make the other person feel attacked can make a big difference. If you feel like you are not going to remain calm then walk away and revisit the issue later.
5. Pay attention to your body language and facial expressions. These can actually create the perception of hostility and confrontation even when you are trying to not react or escalate the conflict.
6. Try to avoid raising your voice, yelling or screaming. This in combination with hurtful words can cause a person to feel intimidated or like they are beneath you.
7. Listen to the other person’s view and try to not interrupt the other person when they are talking or sharing their feelings. This will allow both parties to feel validated and heard.
8. If there is something you need to say, express it but use statements like “I feel” or “This makes me feel” versus “You did” or “You made me”.
9. Be patient with each other and try to forgive when there is a conflict. Forgiving another will lessen the anger and hurt allowing you to move forward and let go. You will feel more at peace and bet able to communicate better without a verbal attack.
10. If you do fall into old habits and launch a verbal attack on someone, recognize it and apologize. Take measures to work on your communication style and try to change the behavior to avoid this destructive trap in the future.
Remember, communicating and connecting between people is an essential part of any and all relationships. It is imperative that we all pay attention to the words that we choose and how we interact with others. One word can make all the difference to someone that you love and care about when a statement or comment is made or when dealing with an issue.
Words do hurt so the next time you find yourself in conflict with another person, think before you react! It can save a heart from being broken and protect a relationship that is important to you! Words can be a thing of comfort, support, love and peace when used in the right way. Attack the issue – not each other!
In peace -
Michele
I received a phone call this morning from my 18 year old daughter and answered the phone to hear her sobbing hysterically. Out of concern, I tried to calm her down wondering what had happened this early in the school day. Through her sobs she went on to tell me that a friend of hers had died during the night and her mother had found her in the morning when she went to wake her for school and breakfast.
My daughter along with many students, faculty and parents were left in shock at the sad news of a young woman finishing her Senior year of high school and the sudden and tragic end to her life. Most were struggling with the difficult question of WHY and trying to make sense of it while searching for answers that did not come easily.
I held my daughter as she cried and was gripped by anxiety, confusion and anger. I felt helpless as she struggled to catch her breath and felt like she could not calm down questioning if she would ever feel better again. The incident triggered powerful emotions in me as I remembered my own horrific loss as a Senior in high school when one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I knew what my daughter was going through and that it was going to be a difficult healing process. Loss is difficult at any age but loss during the teenage years can take on a whole new dimension in the process of grief.
Teens are at a stage in life where they have the illusion of invulnerability and immortality. Death shatters that illusion and can leave a teenager feeling extremely vulnerable and fragile. Kids can suddenly become overwhelmed with new fears of death and concerns that everyone could die at any moment.
Teenagers have in many cases not experienced any type of major loss at this stage of life and it can be extremely challenging for them to manage the grief they are feeling and the many emotions that come with it. Many of the emotions that accompany grief such as guilt, anger and denial can bring conflict to a teen and make the grieving process very difficult. Teenagers are also at a stage that can bring identity crisis. They may be in the process of pushing away from family but are now faced with a crisis that leaves them feeling lonely and needing the very family they were trying to push away. This can create internal conflict.
I remember all of these feelings when I lost my friend in high school. I felt very much alone and like nobody understood what I was feeling. I was angry at the world and did not want to be in school. There were huge mood swings and at times depression seemed to control my every move leaving my parents feeling helpless and afraid. Laughter was unacceptable and I remember being angry that someone could actually laugh at such a terrible time. In my mind it was an insult and disrespectful to the person who had died. I needed to see the car following the accident and spent countless hours at the cemetery and the tears never seemed to end. I, like my daughter on this sad day believed that I would never feel “normal” again.
However, I did get through it with a lot of time, patience, support of friends and family, talking and writing. I have watched as my daughter has shifted through a whole range of emotions today and I know there will be many more to come but I also know that there are things that we can all do to help teens through this difficult process.
1. We need to remember and assure the teens that there is no right way to grieve. Grief is a unique and individual experience for everyone. What may feel right for one teenager will be very different for another.
2. Emotional wounds due to loss require time to heal but they will heal and eventually things will return to a feeling of normalcy although certain things may be different.
3. The many emotions experienced through grief including resentment, anger and guilt are all normal reactions to the loss and it is okay to feel these things. Teenagers need to allow themselves to feel during the process of grief.
4. Teenagers often feel a sense of responsibility and have many questions as to “what if” or “if only I had”. Teens need to remember that they had no control over the tragedy and could not have changed it.
5. We can assure teens that crying is normal and that they need to feel that it is safe to cry. We as parents and friends can provide safety, comfort and hugs when needed.
6. Be available to the teen and listen as much as possible. While the teenager may be very quiet they may also need to vent, express feelings and talk about what happened. Don’t pressure them but always be prepared to listen and be compassionate to what they are going through.
7. Don’t ever invalidate the teenager! They do not want to hear things like “you will feel better tomorrow” or “you have been grieving for a week, time to move on”. Kids need to feel safe and secure to grieve in whatever way feels right to them.
8. Be aware of a teenager that may seem to spiral down too far in the grieving process and becomes so depressed that they themselves are vulnerable to risky behaviors. If a teenager seems to be struggling consider finding outside resources such as a counselor for the teen to talk to.
9. The most important thing is to love them and listen to them. Losing someone at this vulnerable and impressionable age is a big deal and can really knock a teenager down.
As a parent I cannot imagine losing a child and my heart breaks for the family that lost their daughter during the night. My heart aches for that mother that innocently went to wake her child up and found her dead in the morning hours before school. My heart breaks for the teenagers that started their school day like any other filled with all the hopes and dreams of life only to have the day shattered by news of a tragedy involving a fellow student and friend. My heart breaks for my daughter and the pain she is experiencing as I write this.
In the end, news of this tragedy served as a harsh reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and at any given moment we have no way of knowing what life will bring. It is so vital that we embrace every moment given to us and never take the people we love for granted. Life is a gift and it is one that is loaned to us but for a short time. We need to appreciate it and those around us.
Give your kids an extra hug tonight and make sure you tell them how much you love them. I know I will!
In peace and love to all of you -
Michele