I received a phone call this morning from my 18 year old daughter and  answered the phone to hear her sobbing hysterically. Out of concern, I tried to calm her down wondering what had happened this early in the school day. Through her sobs she went on to tell me that a friend of hers had died during the night and her mother had found her in the morning when she went to wake her for school and breakfast.

My daughter along with many students, faculty and parents were left in shock at the sad news of a young woman finishing her Senior year of high school and the sudden and tragic end to her life. Most were struggling with the difficult question of WHY and trying to make sense of it while searching for answers that did not come easily.

I held my daughter as she cried and was gripped by anxiety, confusion and anger. I felt helpless as she struggled to catch her breath and felt like she could not calm down questioning if she would ever feel better again. The incident triggered powerful emotions in me as I remembered my own horrific loss as a Senior in high school when one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I knew what my daughter was going through and that it was going to be a difficult healing process.  Loss is difficult at any age but loss during the teenage years can take on a whole new dimension in the process of grief.

Teens are at a stage in life where they have the illusion of invulnerability and immortality. Death shatters that illusion and can leave a teenager feeling extremely vulnerable and fragile. Kids can suddenly become overwhelmed with new fears of death and concerns that everyone could die at any moment.

Teenagers have in many cases not experienced any type of major loss at this stage of life and it can be extremely challenging for them to manage the grief they are feeling and the many emotions that come with it. Many of the emotions that accompany grief such as guilt, anger and denial can bring conflict to a teen and make the grieving process very difficult.  Teenagers are also at a stage that can bring identity crisis.  They may be in the process of pushing away from family but are now faced with a crisis that leaves them feeling lonely and needing the very family they were trying to push away.  This can create internal conflict.

I remember all of these feelings when I lost my friend in high school.  I felt very much alone and like nobody understood what I was feeling. I was angry at the world and did not want to be in school. There were huge mood swings and at times depression seemed to control my every move leaving my parents feeling helpless and afraid. Laughter was unacceptable and I remember being angry that someone could actually laugh at such a terrible time. In my mind it was an insult and disrespectful to the person who had died. I needed to see the car following the accident and spent countless hours at the cemetery and the tears never seemed to end. I, like my daughter on this sad day believed that I would never feel “normal” again.

However, I did get through it with a lot of time, patience, support of friends and family, talking and writing. I have watched as my daughter has shifted through a whole range of emotions today and I know there will be many more to come but I also know that there are things that we can all do to help teens through this difficult process.

1. We need to remember and assure the teens that there is no right way to grieve. Grief is a unique and individual experience for everyone. What may feel right for one teenager will be very different for another.

2. Emotional wounds due to loss require time to heal but they will heal and eventually things will return to a feeling of normalcy although certain things may be different.

3. The many emotions experienced through grief including resentment, anger and guilt are all normal reactions to the loss and it is okay to feel these things. Teenagers need to allow themselves to feel during the process of grief.

4. Teenagers often feel a sense of responsibility and have many questions as to “what if” or “if only I had”. Teens need to remember that they had no control over the tragedy and could not have changed it.

5. We can assure teens that crying is normal and that they need to feel that it is safe to cry. We as parents and friends can provide safety, comfort and hugs when needed.

6. Be available to the teen and listen as much as possible. While the teenager may be very quiet they may also need to vent, express feelings and talk about what happened. Don’t pressure them but always be prepared to listen and be compassionate to what they are going through.

7. Don’t ever invalidate the teenager! They do not want to hear things like “you will feel better tomorrow” or “you have been grieving for a week, time to move on”. Kids need to feel safe and secure to grieve in whatever way feels right to them.

8. Be aware of a teenager that may seem to spiral down too far in the grieving process and becomes so depressed that they themselves are vulnerable to risky behaviors. If a teenager seems to be struggling consider finding outside resources such as a counselor for the teen to talk to.

9. The most important thing is to love them and listen to them. Losing someone at this vulnerable and impressionable age is a big deal and can really knock a teenager down.

As a parent I cannot imagine losing a child and my heart breaks for the family that lost their daughter during the night. My heart aches for that mother that innocently went to wake her child up and found her dead in the morning hours before school. My heart breaks for the teenagers that started their school day like any other filled with all the hopes and dreams of life only to have the day shattered by news of a tragedy involving a fellow student and friend. My heart breaks for my daughter and the pain she is experiencing as I write this.

In the end, news of this tragedy served as a harsh reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and at any given moment we have no way of knowing what life will bring. It is so vital that we embrace every moment given to us and never take the people we love for granted. Life is a gift and it is one that is loaned to us but for a short time. We need to appreciate it and those around us.

Give your kids an extra hug tonight and make sure you tell them how much you love them. I know I will!

In peace and love to all of you -

Michele