Another Fourth of July holiday weekend has come and gone and if I am completely honest, I am relieved. Today, July 5th is, as a dear friend put it “the next day” and in my
mind it is nothing more and nothing less than the day after a weekend that is filled with haunting memories of a tragic and horrific boating accident that took the lives of five young men on Fourth of July weekend in 1999 and left my two young daughters without a dad.
Some may not understand the level of grief so many years later and I have heard people say things like “that was ten years ago” or “do you think you are perpetuating the grief by making too big of a deal over something that was so long ago”. I know people mean well and while I can understand these comments and questions, the grief and feelings of loss that surround this particular weekend are real and does not hold a time stamp for the many people that were impacted by this senseless and difficult tragedy.
It is hard to explain but it is almost as if a dark cloud settles in around us as the Fourth of July approaches and as hard as any of us try to completely let it go and feel normal there is nothing normal about it. This accident was a big deal and unfortunately I do not particularly like this holiday. It changed lives forever and for the families and friends left behind it would leave a wound that never completely heals. It is not that we have not moved on with life nor do we dwell on the details every day but the anniversary and holiday weekend seems to stir up feelings and memories that hold an element of pain, anxiety, sadness and a sense of dread. With that being said, we recognize that the 4th of July is a part of life and we try to make the most of it each and every year.
There is truth to the fact that it has been eleven years since that fateful day and at times it is hard to believe it has been that long but I can tell you that regardless of the number of years it feels like yesterday. I can remember every detail of that weekend and it is something I will never forget. Perhaps it is because it was a holiday weekend. Perhaps it is because my children lost their dad. Perhaps it is because it was such a horrific crash. Perhaps it was because five young men lost their lives. Perhaps it was because the accident quickly turned into a media circus. Perhaps it was because we waited for the phone call on the fourth as they searched the river hoping he was just hurt and on the shore somewhere but knowing in our hearts he was gone. Perhaps it was taking the innocence of two little girls telling them their dad was dead.
In the end there are many reasons and in the end it does not matter. The only thing I can even begin to compare it to (although very different) is September 11th, 2001. This was a tragedy that changed our nation and took the lives of so many innocent people leaving behind countless loved ones to grieve and make sense out of a violent act that robbed us of our security and innocence. Obviously the friends and families that lost someone will never forget that day or the people they lost but it is also a day that most will never forget and when that day approaches each year people remember. It is rare that I have met or talked to anyone that does not remember exactly where they were or what they were doing on September 11th, 2001 and while that was several years ago the memories feel like yesterday.
And so it is with Fourth of July weekend for our family. I am in no way comparing this tragedy with the tragedy of 9/11 because it is impossible to compare one tragedy to another but I do believe there are similar challenges and emotions that accompany any loss. First of all, grief is grief and loss is loss and it is impossible to compare one death to another. Death, grief and loss are very personal and there is no right or wrong way to get through it. It does not matter if it has been one year, ten years or twenty. When there has been a significant loss time is nothing more than a marker and has nothing to do with the wave of emotions that can take over your life. We all have triggers and things that can awaken our memories and we can feel as if we are reliving those memories years later. Seeing a flag, a power boat or hearing the sound of fireworks can bring us back to 1999 in an instant and each and every detail can seem very fresh. I can remember what I was doing, who I was with, where I was, the temperature on that hot July day, the song that was playing when I first learned of the news and every detail in the days to come. For us that Fourth of July tragedy is personal but even ten years later complete strangers remember that accident and what they were doing.
Death and grief cannot be quantified and again it cannot be put on a timeline. Each person needs to feel and grieve in whatever way feels right for them. For me, I have learned to move on and live my life most of the year with an occasional flashback of that weekend, a bit of sadness when I see my daughter’s hurt as they miss their dad and a few smiles when happy memories settle in my heart. But the Fourth of July weekend will forever hold memories of one of the most difficult and painful times of our lives and will represent a loss that hurt so many. My heart will always ache for everyone that lost someone special that day.
Time does heal and I am thankful for that but I think it is so important that people know it is okay to feel their pain, grieve, remember, share and talk about their loss regardless of how much time may have gone by. The loss of someone loved leaves an imprint on the soul forever and becomes a part of us. The accident and the loss we all endured on that Fourth of July weekend changed our lives and it will remain a part of our family forever but with strength and faith we have grown, evolved and survived. I have learned that grief is a part of life and that in loss there is a gift of wisdom. As I write this on July 5th, 2010 it is just “the next day” after another Fourth of July has come and gone. The grief is close and held gently in our hearts but I know that just like every other year it will fade into the 5th, the 6th, the 7th and beyond just as summer fades into the fall.
Blessings to all of you and wishing you much peace in your journey through loss and grief.