Another Fourth of July holiday weekend has come and gone and if I am completely honest, I am relieved.  Today, July 5^th is, as a dear friend put it “the next day” and in my mind it is nothing more and nothing less than the day after a weekend that is filled with haunting memories of a tragic and horrific boating accident that took the lives of five young men on Fourth of July weekend in 1999 and left my two young daughters without a dad.

Some may not understand the level of grief so many years later and I have heard people say things like “that was ten years ago” or “do you think you are perpetuating the grief by making too big of a deal over something that was so long ago”.  I know people mean well and while I can understand these comments and questions, the grief and feelings of loss that surround this particular weekend are real and does not hold a time stamp for the many people that were impacted by this senseless and difficult tragedy.

It is hard to explain but it is almost as if a dark cloud settles in around us as the Fourth of July approaches and as hard as any of us try to completely let it go and feel normal there is nothing normal about it.  This accident was a big deal and unfortunately I do not particularly like this holiday.  It changed lives forever and for the families and friends left behind it would leave a wound that never completely heals.  It is not that we have not moved on with life nor do we dwell on the details every day but the anniversary and holiday weekend seems to stir up feelings and memories that hold an element of pain, anxiety, sadness and a sense of dread.  With that being said, we recognize that the 4th of July is a part of life and we try to make the most of it each and every year.

There is truth to the fact that it has been eleven years since that fateful day and at times it is hard to believe it has been that long but I can tell you that regardless of the number of years it feels like yesterday.   I can remember every detail of that weekend and it is something I will never forget.  Perhaps it is because it was a holiday weekend.  Perhaps it is because my children lost their dad.  Perhaps it is because it was such a horrific crash.  Perhaps it was because five young men lost their lives.  Perhaps it was because the accident quickly turned into a media circus.  Perhaps it was because we waited for the phone call on the fourth as they searched the river hoping he was just hurt and on the shore somewhere but knowing in our hearts he was gone.  Perhaps it was taking the innocence of two little girls telling them their dad was dead.

In the end there are many reasons and in the end it does not matter.  The only thing I can even begin to compare it to (although very different) is September 11^th, 2001.  This was a tragedy that changed our nation and took the lives of so many innocent people leaving behind countless loved ones to grieve and make sense out of a violent act that robbed us of our security and innocence.  Obviously the friends and families that lost someone will never forget that day or the people they lost but it is also a day that most will never forget and when that day approaches each year people remember.  It is rare that I have met or talked to anyone that does not remember exactly where they were or what they were doing on September 11^th, 2001 and while that was several years ago the memories feel like yesterday.

And so it is with Fourth of July weekend for our family.  I am in no way comparing this tragedy with the tragedy of 9/11 because it is impossible to compare one tragedy to another but I do believe there are similar challenges and emotions that accompany any loss.  First of all, grief is grief and loss is loss and it is impossible to compare one death to another.  Death, grief and loss are very personal and there is no right or wrong way to get through it.  It does not matter if it has been one year, ten years or twenty.  When there has been a significant loss time is nothing more than a marker and has nothing to do with the wave of emotions that can take over your life.  We all have triggers and things that can awaken our memories and we can feel as if we are reliving those memories years later.   Seeing a flag, a power boat or hearing the sound of fireworks can bring us back to 1999 in an instant and each and every detail can seem very fresh.  I can remember what I was doing, who I was with, where I was, the temperature on that hot July day, the song that was playing when I first learned of the news and every detail in the days to come.  For us that Fourth of July tragedy is personal but even ten years later complete strangers remember that accident and what they were doing.

Death and grief cannot be quantified and again it cannot be put on a timeline.  Each person needs to feel and grieve in whatever way feels right for them.  For me, I have learned to move on and live my life most of the year with an occasional flashback of that weekend, a bit of sadness when I see my daughter’s hurt as they miss their dad and a few smiles when happy memories settle in my heart.  But the Fourth of July weekend will forever hold memories of one of the most difficult and painful times of our lives and will represent a loss that hurt so many.  My heart will always ache for everyone that lost someone special that day.

Time does heal and I am thankful for that but I think it is so important that people know it is okay to feel their pain, grieve, remember, share and talk about their loss regardless of how much time may have gone by.  The loss of someone loved leaves an imprint on the soul forever and becomes a part of us.  The accident and the loss we all endured on that Fourth of July weekend changed our lives and it will remain a part of our family forever but with strength and faith we have grown, evolved and survived.  I have learned that grief is a part of life and that in loss there is a gift of wisdom.  As I write this on July 5th, 2010 it is just “the next day” after another Fourth of July has come and gone.  The grief is close and held gently in our hearts but I know that just like every other year it will fade into the 5th, the 6th, the 7th and beyond just as summer fades into the fall.

Blessings to all of you and wishing you much peace in your journey through loss and grief.

In honor of Father’s Day I was thinking about the important role that fathers play in their daughter’s life and how big of a difference a father’s love can make.  Both of my dads are gone and unfortunately I am sad to say that my daughter’s Danielle and Jordan lost their dad when they were just six and eight.  My heart has broken many times in the past years knowing that their dad would not be able to watch them grow up and that the girls so badly wanted him here.

I believe that we as little girls grow up wanting to be loved and adored by the first man in our lives; our dad.  We want to be daddy’s little girl feeling protected and like we are the most beautiful and special girl in his heart.  We seek acceptance from him and want to know that he will be there to help and support us no matter what.  That father and daughter bond is special and so important in building a healthy foundation to how we feel about ourselves and our relationships with men.  Having a dad that loves us, believes in us and yes, adores us can create a sense of confidence and help lead to a girl believing in and loving herself.

When the father and daughter relationship is damaged or there is not a father figure to love and nurture a daughter we can sometimes see a negative effect.  A girl’s self-esteem can be hurt and she can grow up craving that love and adoration from other men and sometimes for the wrong reasons.  Her self-worth may be low and learning to love and accept herself difficult.  Relationships with men may be unhealthy.  Of course this is not always the case but it warrants careful consideration and thought.

I grew up craving things from my “real” dad (whom I loved very much) that I unfortunately would never get and unfortunately the impact on my self-esteem and the ability to truly love and accept myself was tough.  It took me many years to learn that while my dad could not give me what I needed there were others that tried.  I grew up with my step-dad (who I called dad and loved as my dad) and now recognize that he loved me and accepted me as his own even when I pushed him away.  It taught me that love is thicker than blood and that a father’s love can come from many sources if we allow it.  I only wished I would have figured this out sooner.

My daughter’s lost their dad far too young and I have seen the impact it has had on them.  There have been so many times that they have needed their dad and missed a hug from him or to just be held.  They have missed his laughter or to tell them they did a great job.  They have missed his adoring eye as they entered the room so beautiful and grown up leaving for prom.  They have missed his pride when they received their diploma or came home with a great report card.  I have seen their tears when they think about who will walk them down the aisle someday.

I write this because I know how important a father’s love is to a daughter and I have seen how much it is missed when it is gone.  I write this because I have learned that a father’s love can come from someone other than the man listed as dad on a birth certificate.  I write this because men can make a huge difference in a girl’s life laying a strong foundation for the future.  I write this because we as women will always have a “little girl” inside of us wanting to feel special, loved and adored.  I write this for all the girls and women who have lost their dad.  I write this in honor of all those men who have given a little girl the gift of their belief, support, love and adoration.

In the end we all need to feel loved and accepted and I am truly grateful for all of the people that have loved me and for all the people who have loved my girls.  However, on this day of tribute to fathers I want to honor all of the men out there that have been a powerful and positive role model to a daughter, grand daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and say thank you for making a difference in their lives.

Wishing all the fathers and role models out there a blessed day today and honoring all of those we have lost.  Happy Father’s Day!

In Peace-

Michele

I have heard the saying you can’t give what you don’t have many times over the years but in all honesty it took me years to truly embrace the concept and really understand what it meant.  It is a natural tendency to automatically associate giving with things such as a present or money, but giving involves so much more than physical things.

There have been many times that I struggled to completely trust others and it was difficult to open up and love without feeling vulnerable.  Forgiving was a challenge and it kept me stuck in the past for far too long.  I kept trying to figure out why it was so hard to give the very things that were most important to me!

It was not until I recognized that I was not giving those things to myself that I was able to understand why it was a challenge to give those things to others.  It hit me that you can’t give what you don’t have! How could I completely love another if I had not yet learned to love myself?  How could I truly value anything around me if I did not value myself?  How I trust others if I struggled with trusting myself?  How could I forgive if I had not yet forgiven myself?

These were deep questions but ones that held a profound truth and I realized that there are so many people struggling with the same issue.  We live in a world that is so busy and filled with daily demands and the pressure of doing, being, fixing and giving.  We spread ourselves too thin and we become very good at helping everyone but ourselves.  We try to love, nurture, repair, support and give to our kids, partners, co-workers, friends and parents and while this is an admirable trait it can wreak havoc on our own well-being and ultimately our relationships with the people we love most if we don’t learn this valuable lesson.

The principle of giving to yourself first is one of the key guides to finding inner peace and to creating successful relationships.  It is true that you can’t give what you don’t have and this applies to love, trust, value, honor, belief and forgiveness. Self-care and the nurturing of self is at the foundation of living true to who we are and can cultivate the ability to give so much more.

Learning to give ourselves the gift of love, acceptance, value, honor, trust and forgiveness makes it so much easier to then give to those people we care about without hesitation and without feeling vulnerable.  It is easy to forget to take care of ourselves first and can actually feel uncomfortable because we somehow come to believe it is selfish and self-serving.  However, care of self is actually the opposite of selfish in my book.

I am a caretaker at heart and it is my natural tendency to give, share and nurture others but I have learned that it is a must for me to love and nurture me so that I can be at my best when giving to others.  I can’t give my best to those I love if I myself am not taken care of.  This was a difficult lesson but one that held a great deal of wisdom and has improved my quality of life and the quality of my relationships significantly.

Giving is important and I believe in giving 100% but the best gift you can give to those you love is to give to yourself first!

In peace-

Michele

We are all born with a clean slate, an innocence and a sense of invincibility as we explore, grow and evolve.  There is little to nothing that we won’t try nor do we pay much attention to or waste much energy on what others think as little ones.  Unfortunately, it does not take long before society swoops in sending clear messages on what we can and can’t do.  We fall prey to the noise of other’s expectations and what is considered to be “good enough”.

Slowly, we start to believe that we are no longer good enough and we lose sight of our own dreams, our own inspiration, our own values and our own goals.  We base our beliefs on the expectations of everything and everyone around us and before we know it our confidence is stripped away.  Fear and self-doubt steps in and we often seek approval from anyone that will give it before trying things or taking action.

It is easy to be influenced by what goes on around us due to the many messages sent that tell us we need to be more, better, different or improved.  The media is constantly bombarding us with information on everything we don’t have and we start to feel like we can’t survive unless we fall in line with everyone else.  We fall victim to allowing others to determine what we do or don’t do because we learn to need that approval or we need to feel that others believe in what we are doing.

While it is great to feel like others believe in us and approval or recognition are good it is important to remember that in the end what is most important is that we believe in ourselves.  It will be far more difficult for others to believe in you if you do not believe in yourself, your vision or your dreams.  Support is nice but achieving dreams, conquering fear and taking action can only be accomplished by one person and that person is YOU.

Far too many people have settled for a life of mediocrity and have not lived true to who they were meant to be.  You can live an exceptional life and you can live true to who you are.  If you have a dream or there is something you truly want to do in your life then go for it.  You deserve to at least try.  There is honor in believing in yourself enough to try and even if the outcome is different then you planned you should feel proud that you tried.

Many a man or woman has fallen short of achieving a dream because of fear of failure or because they allowed the opinions of others to shake their confidence.  Don’t give up on something that you believe in or are passionate about.  Don’t give up on yourself.  To believe is magical and if you believe it can propel you to places you never dreamed possible.

If there is something you have wanted to do in your life but have not yet tried I challenge you to step into your greatness and take that first step.  What do you have to lose?  What matters is that you believe!  Live inspired and be confident; you have what it takes to make your dreams come true.

I look forward to hearing about your success!

In peace-

Michele

Have you ever felt like you “just know” where you are supposed to be in life and what you are called to do but you are not quite there?  This can be very discouraging for people and it is typical to quit when discouraged.  On the contrary, it is when you are feeling discouraged that you need to dig a little deeper and find that spark, that motivation and that desire to keep pressing on with your dreams.  It is in the moment of wanting to give up that you must keep moving and putting one foot in front of the other.

Your dreams are important and finding your passion and your purpose are key to living life to the fullest and finding true joy along the way.  It may not be easy to get there but everyone has what it takes inside of them to get to where they want to be and to live true to who they are.  Much of what stands in our way of achieving the things we want in life falls in our own hands.  Often the biggest obstacle is ourselves and at the end of the day YOU are the only one that can take the steps to change or remove whatever is standing in your way.

There have been many times that I have felt so stuck and overwhelmed.  I knew without hesitation where I was supposed to be and what I was called to do.  My passion and life purpose was to make a difference in this world through my coaching, speaking and writing yet there were many days that I felt I would never get there.  There were days that I wanted to quit and take the easy road but when the noise would quiet down and I would truly listen to that inner voice; I knew I had to keep trying.  I knew I would never be happy if I didn’t try and settled for something less than what I aspired to be.

What I have learned is that if you truly believe in something and you truly believe in your self then anything is possible.  Again, it is not always easy but you can do it.  Courage, faith and belief can truly propel you forward but remember, you must do more than just think about your passion and purpose.  You must take action and often.  Actually doing is what will get you to where you want to be.

Follow your heart and when you feel like giving up or quitting on your heart’s desire look within and find that spark of inspiration to keep trying and keep moving.  You have what it takes and many have been there before you and have gone on to live life to their fullest potential.  And so it can be with you…..

In peace-

Michele

Getting married is one of the most exciting events in a woman’s life.  It is one that most women dream of their entire lives and even as little girls we are enamored with the beautiful dress, the flowers, the cake and the prince charming that will someday sweep us off of our feet.  It is often a magical day that we will never forget and walking down the aisle is a step towards happily ever after.

But what happens when our dreams of happily ever after are shattered by a divorce?  What prepares us for the end of a union that was supposed to last forever?  Current statistics estimate that 50% of marriages end in divorce.  These numbers are staggering and while most of us exchange vows believing that divorce will never happen to me, the reality is that divorce is prejudice to no one.

Divorce can strike any marriage and at any time in life, leaving a woman feeling alone, lost, overwhelmed and desperately afraid.  Dreams are shattered and the emotions that can accompany a divorce are often tough to manage.  Divorce is a significant loss and the changes that it brings can be devastating.  Not only does a woman lose her marriage but often a lifestyle is lost including loss of friends, family, time with children, a house and financial security.  Divorce can also leave a woman questioning her identity and buried in low self-esteem.

Regardless of the reason for a divorce and regardless of which spouse initiates proceedings, the transition is tough and can be a long and difficult process.  Having children can further complicate things as can the division of assets.  But one of the biggest challenges in any major loss or life transition is learning to manage the emotional baggage and learning to move on with your life.

It has been said that divorce is second only to the death of a spouse or loved one and that in some ways it can be even more difficult to get beyond because the spouse is still accessible.  It is easy to fall into the trap of “what if” and wishful thinking.  A woman may find herself bargaining and taking extreme measures in hopes of reconciling.  These hopes can lead to a delay in healing from the loss and letting go keeping a person stuck in the past.  One of the biggest obstacles in moving on is the ability to forgive an ex-spouse following a divorce and especially if the divorce was unexpected or unwanted.

There are times when both parties have a mutual agreement and want the divorce but unfortunately, there is usually one spouse that did not see it coming or would do anything to try and make the marriage work.  It is in these circumstances that anger, bitterness and blame can consume a woman and the inability to forgive her ex-husband can sabotage key areas of her life for far too long.

Recovery from a divorce is indeed a process and as with any loss a grieving period is necessary.  What that looks like and the length of time required will vary from woman to woman but there are phases or steps that tend to be somewhat universal after a divorce.  While we will not get into specifics or detail on the many other phases in divorce recovery in this particular article, I believe it is critical to address the importance of learning to forgive as this can be one of the toughest roadblocks to getting over a divorce and finding happiness.

When someone does something to hurt us and in this case it is the end of a marriage, we often feel that life is unfair and it is easy to become a victim.  We become very good at pointing the finger and playing the blame game.  The truth is that while blaming an ex is common, blame does nothing but hold a woman prisoner to what once was.  When life is unfair there are two choices and those two choices are to blame or to forgive.  Blaming will not solve the problem but learning to accept and forgive can greatly contribute to healing and moving beyond the pain of a divorce.

Divorce is not easy but learning to forgive is the first step in making peace with our past and the people in it.  A woman no longer needs to define her life by how her ex-husband may have hurt her but instead can define herself by how much she has learned and grown through the experience of divorce.  Forgiving instead of blaming is a choice and one that can be incredibly freeing even in the darkest of times but you need to tap into that part of you that is willing to forgive and remember that forgiveness is not about the other person.  Forgiving is a gift to your self and can actually lead to improved physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing as well as finding happiness again.

My ex-husband and I have learned to forgive each other and with time and healing came to recognize that we both played a part in our ultimate divorce.  Once we stopped blaming and forgave we found clarity, peace and were able to get on with our lives.  We actually found the path to friendship and have developed a mutual respect in raising our daughter.  I was very stuck in many areas of my life and it was through forgiveness that I was finally able to take steps towards healing and making necessary changes.

Divorce is one of the hardest things a woman will go through but I do believe that it does not have to mean the end of a woman’s happiness or wellbeing.  Divorce can be a catalyst that leads a woman to new opportunities and amazing self-discovery and forgiving after a divorce can lead a woman to an even better life than before!

Four out of every five Americans suffer from low self-esteem.  That is a harsh statistic in the realm of a culture that is in search of happiness and immersed in the self-help revolution.  To me this is a sad reality and one that needs attention.

Low self-esteem can impact people’s lives in every key area of life causing significant issues in our relationships, careers and health.  Every day we wake up and find something to beat ourselves up with and at times it seems that we are never quite good enough.

I realized that I could never heal or find true peace and happiness unless I learned to accept all of me.  I recognized that this was one area I had total control over.  For years I hid behind masks trying to live up to the expectations of everyone around me and sacrificed living true to who I wanted to be.  I struggled with letting go of feelings of regret, guilt and shame for mistakes made along the way and had a difficult time accepting and forgiving myself.

It is critical to be able to create an awareness of the events and choices made in your life that are chaining you to the past and preventing you from letting go and moving forward.  If you cannot learn to accept and forgive ALL of you, the past will continue to haunt you and sabotage your life.

The good news is that self-esteem is something that can be improved and changed.  You can learn to peel away the layers and begin to see just how great you are.  Don’t settle for a life of mediocrity.  We were born to live a life of purpose, passion and significance and all of the answers you need are already inside of you.

If you truly want to have a life filled with joy, find a way to let go and tap into the power you hold within.  Tap into that power and unleash all of your dreams.  You don’t have to wait to choose a new path or to start believing in you.  You can start right now and from wherever you are.

Make the choice to find acceptance and to love ALL of who you are!

In Peace-

Michele

Self-esteem is something everyone wants and while there are people with great self-esteem; many struggle to find it.  The result:  life can be incredibly painful impacting our jobs, school, dreams, relationships and emotional well-being.

It would be nice if self-esteem came in a nice little package and came in unlimited quantities available anytime we needed a dose or two.  However, the hard reality is that self-esteem or the lack of it is something that must come from within.  We cannot buy it.  We cannot borrow it from a friend.  We cannot depend on others to give it to us.

Continue reading “In Search Of Self-Esteem” »

I am happy to share the first video in my new inspirational series:
Live your exceptional life™ -Michele