Let’s Talk About It

photo credit @melanies

I’m out of town this weekend and staying at the beautiful and serene Allison hotel in Oregon. It is charming, quaint, and so peaceful. Honestly, I would love to spend an entire week here to rest, relax, write, and catch my breath. Yesterday, a group of us sat out on the patio chatting, laughing, sipping a glass of wine, and drumroll please….talked about loss and grief.

It wasn’t deliberate but somehow the conversation organically shifted from pleasant chit chat to much deeper and meaningful discussions and it reminded me of how much people need to share and talk about what society often deems as a taboo topic. GRIEF.

I”m not here for a grief conference. Honestly, this weekend has nothing to do with loss and grief. It’s one of my husbands groups and I happened to tag along. Most of us know each other or have met at least once before, but it touched my heart deeply as we all connected and bonded over stories that centered around loss and grief.

No one felt uncomfortable nor did the topic drag anyone down. It felt easy, natural, and normal in between moments of laughter and lovely sips of wine.

I wish this happened more often and it’s so important for people to be able to share with others and talk about their grief.

Grief doesn’t make people different from one another. Grief is universal and it creates a bond through our shared experiences of loss and grief - even though no two losses are exactly the same. Both men and women of all ages and from different parts of the country sat at the table and every single one of us had something to say. It was refreshing and without much effort, I instantly felt more connected to this group than I had before.

Here’s the thing. People don’t talk about loss and grief enough. Instead of giving grief a voice and honoring it, people tend to hide it and pretend like all is okay - even when hurting on the inside.

There’s a pressure to conform to “grief rules” that have somehow been handed down over the years. A pressure to quickly get over it and move on.

But you and I both know that grief doesn’t work that way. Not if the loss is significant and your life has completely changed.

There are no timelines when it comes to grief and from my own personal experience, grief can last forever. And that’s okay. You don’t completely get over a devastating loss and instead of moving on from it, people tend to integrate it into their different life and with time, they learn to live with it.

Does that mean grief always has to be top of mind or controlling everything you say and do? NO. Does that mean grief has to bully its way into every conversation or strip people of enjoying life or finding glimmers of hope and joy? NO.

It simply means that it’s possible to live a full life alongside grief. And talking about grief doesn’t have to automatically suck all of the fun out of your day.

It’s possible to enjoy a beautiful afternoon with wonderful people AND talk about grief at the same time. It’s possible to share stories of loss and even pain while connecting with others and soaking up the warm sunshine on a stunning fall day. AND, it’s possible to laugh even when grief becomes part of the conversation without guilt.

I’m sharing this because I want you to remember that grief isn’t a black and white experience. It’s important to experience moments of happiness and peace alongside the pain of loss. It’s important to give yourself a break and find respite from the heaviness of grief - in the smallest of ways.

I loved our conversations and as we toasted one another it reminded me that grief isn’t the big clunky elephant to avoid on sun kissed patio or in the room. Grief is part of all of us and most people (when they feel safe) need and want to share.

Trust me when I say I understand this isn’t always an easy thing to do. I know all too well that society can be unfair and uncomfortable when it comes to talking about loss and grief. It’s my hope that you have at least one person you can be honest with and that you can find safe spaces to talk about it.

And sometimes, you need to be a trailblazer and start the conversation. Even when it feels uncomfortable. You might be surprised. You might find you have something in common with people you have just met or don’t know very well - and that’s a beautiful thing.

Sending you lots of love and please give yourself permission to talk about your grief. Give yourself permission to be honest and to grieve.

Your grief matters. Always.

Michele