Time takes on new meaning after a heartbreaking loss. Suddenly, we become infinitely aware of days, weeks, and months in ways we never did before. People tend to focus on “how long” it’s been since a loved one died. But this new found awareness runs deeper than that.

Suddenly, we become aware of how long it’s been since we last heard their voice. Or how long it’s been since we last held their hand or gave them a hug.

It’s easy to become painfully aware of how long it’s been since we had dinner together, tucked them into bed or went out on a date.

The list is long and regardless of how much time has gone by, it’s so hard for those of us who have been left behind.

My mom died six months ago and while I have days when it has yet to feel real, I’m painfully aware that it’s been six months since I have talked to her on the phone, watched a movie with her, or felt one of her warm hugs.

There are reminders everywhere. Reminders of what used to be and what no longer is. Just this morning I was driving home from Starbucks and without thinking, I automatically turned down her street like I had done so many times before.

I drove into the parking lot and in tears, sat for a few moments in front of her old apartment desperately wishing I could go inside and give her a hug. But I can’t. She’s gone and in those painful moments, I’m quickly reminded that it’s been six months.

Losing a loved one cuts deep and what society fails to recognize is that people lose so much more than just the person they loved. There are so many secondary losses to carry and the layers of grief are heavy and difficult to carry.

Time takes on new meaning and while grief doesn’t operate on a schedule, the element of time and “how long it’s been since” hurts in ways that are difficult to explain.

And society is often uncomfortable when it comes to grief and tries to confine grief to a timeline that doesn’t exist. Remember, there are no timelines when it comes to grief.

Life will continue to move and the clock doesn’t stop after loss. But it can feel as if the life you lived before the loss has come to a complete stop and sadly, it can feel like you no longer fit in.

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 4 weeks, 6 months or 2 years. There will continue to be reminders that trip you up at every turn. There will be moments when it’s hard to believe how long it’s been and then there will be moments when it feels like everything happened yesterday.

You will always miss your loved one and you will always miss so many of the things you loved and shared together. That won’t stop regardless of how much time has passed.

When the moments hit and a wave of grief washes over you, don’t push it away. Embrace the moment and allow yourself to feel it and honor your grief.

I’m sending love and I will continue to hold space for you when the volume of grief turns way up and you’re struggling with just how long it’s been since….

With love -

michele XO