Yesterday, I took my granddaughter to a bakery in Northeast Minneapolis for a donut. I bought her a plain cake donut and there was one lone lemon filled danish sitting in the back of the case. It had my name on it and as I took my first bite, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s the little things that matter the most when grieving for a loved one.

Let me explain.

I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin and like most small towns, there was a quaint bakery on main street. My mom and I used to go to that bakery all the time. And when we did, I would order a lemon filled danish and enjoyed every bite.

Going to the bakery yesterday brought back a powerful sense of nostalgia for me, and when I bit into my lemon filled danish, the warmth of so many wonderful memories shared with my mom, came rushing in.

It wasn’t a bad thing. It didn’t bring on a downpour of tears. And while I felt the familiar pang of sadness, the memories made me smile.

One small thing in the middle of a perfectly normal day, reminded me that grief doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom. Grief doesn’t always have to be deep sadness, tears, emptiness, and overwhelm.

I found my “and” in that bakery yesterday. I was able to feel a little sadness “and” feel warmth, happiness, and joy.

I was able to grieve for the absence of my dear mom “and” smile when thinking about her and our special trips to the bakery on a Saturday morning.

Here’s the thing we all need to remember when it comes to loss and grief. It doesn’t have to be an either/or experience nor is it rarely black and white.

Of course you will have plenty of bad days. Days that are filled with the negative emotions that often accompany grief. Of course you will have days when the tears won’t stop, the sadness runs deep, and it’s difficult to find even the smallest bit of hope.

But it’s also possible to experience positive emotions when grieving a devastating loss. It’s possible and perfectly okay to find glimmers of joy.

And it’s actually necessary to give yourself permission to feel joy in the middle of the mess. Moments of peace, happiness, excitement, and distraction give our overworked hearts respite from the heaviness of grief.

There is no shame in feeling the warmth of a memory and smiling as you soak it in. You don’t need to feel guilty if you laugh or feel joy and happiness. You deserve to take a break from the deep sadness even if it’s for a moment or two. It’s okay to experience both positive “and” negative emotions - all at the same time.

For me, one little thing brought me one of those moments of joy when I least expected it. A bakery, the taste of lemon, and a delicately made danish brought me back to a time that I treasure and will never forget. I felt my moms presence and I felt gratitude for all of the wonderful memories we shared.

Does that mean I don’t grieve for her every single day? Of course not. I will always grieve for my mom. I will always miss her and yearn to see her again.

I still have days when I cry and struggle to accept that she’s gone. And the truth is, on a different day, that lemon filled danish might have triggered my grief and led to deep sadness and tears.

It’s okay if one little thing triggers your grief and it’s okay if one little thing leads to smiles and joy.

Either way, that one little thing is a reminder that your loved one mattered and that love never dies.

It’s the little things and I hang onto those little things like a life line that keeps me connected to my mom and so many other people I have lost over the years.

Find your “and” and it’s my hope that you will have moments when the smallest of things help you to find your glimmers of joy. Even if it’s as simple as a fresh baked lemon filled danish sitting behind the glass case at a local bakery.

Sending you love and compassion always.

Michele