The first song I heard this morning was one of the Christmas classics - Jingle Bells. For some reason it made me think of grief and how grief hangs around “all the way” through the holidays whether we want it to or not.

Yes it is a joyous and merry time of year but the holiday season can also be overwhelming and difficult when grief rudely shows up without an invitation. And boy can it create a big mess when it lands with a thud right smack in the middle of the holiday dinner table.

The holidays are “supposed” to be filled with happiness but grief doesn’t pay attention to things like that. Grief has a mind of its own and it is not something that can be wrapped in a pretty little box topped with a pretty little bow only to be shoved underneath the Christmas tree and opened later when it feels more convenient.

Grief is on its own timeline and during the holidays it often demands to be seen and heard. The day may start out fine but even the smallest of things can lead to sadness, exhaustion and grief overload.

Perhaps it is a song, the twinkling of lights, wrapped gifts or an empty chair. Perhaps it is softly falling snow, the smell of baked Christmas cookies, a picture of a loved one or a movie you watch every year. Regardless of the triggers, grief is always waiting in the shadows and hidden behind the anticipation of holiday cheer.

People have the best of intentions and of course everyone would like to enjoy the holidays. We often put undue pressure on ourselves to create the perfect holiday despite the presence of grief. No one wants to be a burden in the middle of what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. No one wants to make others uncomfortable or steal anyone’s holiday joy.

But here’s the thing. People don’t choose to join the grief club nor does anyone ever choose to walk the journey of grief. Yet everyone will grieve and finding a way to balance it all during the holidays is never an easy thing to do.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You can’t screw it up. This is your personal grief experience and you get to grieve in whatever way feels right to you. Regardless of what society tells you or expects from you.

Holiday grief falls into a class of its own. The holidays are exhausting. Grief is exhausting. So when the two cross paths it is going to be a challenge and overwhelming.

So how does one navigate the rocky terrain of grief during the holidays?

There are no hard fast rules but it is important to allow yourself to feel all that you need to feel. Let go of expectations and the illusion of perfection. Give yourself a little bit of grace. Say no when you need. Change your mind. Surround yourself with loved ones OR retreat to a safe and quiet space alone. Cancel plans. Make plans. Rest when you can. Get outside and breathe in the fresh air. Cry or laugh if you need. Scream. Do something that you enjoy. Spend time with a friend. Honor your loved one. Be extra kind and gentle with your heart. Grieve.

It’s okay to not be okay and it’s absolutely 100 percent okay to find ways to enjoy the holidays too. It does not have to be an either / or kind of thing.

There is never a perfect time for grief to show up and the holidays can feel exceptionally hard. It brings reminders of what was and who is no longer here. All of it is painful, raw and can split your heart open time and time again. It sure would be nice if grief could take a break from the holidays once in a while.

Perhaps the holidays will never be quite the same but the holidays can also serve as a reminder to love a little harder, appreciate loved ones more and to take nothing for granted. Ever. The holidays are a time to create memories with those we hold so dear and remember, as hard as it is, we grieve because we love and that is a gift no one can take away or return.

I’m so sorry if you are grieving during this holiday season and my hope for you is that you will find joy in the middle of your grief. I hope you will find a sense of peace as you move through the holidays and know how much you are cared about and loved. As hard as it is, grief is meant to be felt and so is the gift of love.

There is healing in connection and you don’t have to grieve alone.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way and if you are grieving I hope you will find some laughter along the way.

With so much love,

Michele