My heart is heavy this weekend and as I took a picture of the beautiful leaves in our backyard last night, I was reminded of how some things remain unchanged and yet so much can change in just one year.

One year ago this weekend I was holding vigil at my moms bedside and as I tried to sleep with her hand in my mine, I knew it wouldn’t be long. And it wasn’t. She died during the night and I was forced to say goodbye to the woman that brought me into this world and had been here for me my entire life.

It hurt in ways I still struggle to describe and a part of me died with her that night.

The truth is, the pain of grief had set in long before that night. Grief set in the moment she had her stroke last October and to make the impossible decision to put her on hospice hurt my heart in ways that are difficult to explain.

And now just one year later, the grief is heavy and it remains.

The fall was one of my moms favorite time of years. She loved the changing colors of the leaves and the crisp fall air. She loved to go for car rides to witness the stunning beauty unfold all around us and she loved to have lunch along the way.

One of our traditions was to enjoy a Starbucks coffee and a cream cheese muffin on a cool fall morning and watch a Hallmark movie. And I miss every bit of it - I miss her.

Loss happens to people every single day and it can feel impossible to adapt to all of the changes that come with loss and dismantle your life piece by piece.

Staring at the reflection of the beautiful trees and leaves on the pond last night reminded me that some things remain unchanged. I take this same picture every fall and the beauty is the same. Year after year.

But the Fall also reminds me of how much can change in a year.

Some of those changes bring joy. A new baby is born. A loved one gets married. A favorite couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary. A book is written and published. A new home is bought.

And thank GOD for the beautiful and joyful changes that bless our lives.

With that being said, life also comes with changes that are difficult to accept. Changes that bring loss, grief, and pain.

And it hurts.

Honestly, I can’t believe my mom has been gone for a year. In some ways time has stood still and I feel like the loss of my mom happened yesterday. But time has also marched on and so much has happened in just one year. Life keeps moving and it pulls all of us along with it whether we are grieving or not.

My life isn’t the same as it was one year ago. Life has changed and I have changed since losing my mother.

I write today to honor her but I also write because I want you to know I understand the pain of losing someone you love. I understand how lonely and isolating it can feel to grieve in a world that doesn’t always get it. I know how hard it is to adapt to all of the changes that come with loss and to adapt to living life without someone you love and miss.

There’s nothing easy about it and it doesn’t matter if one month, one year or ten years have passed by. Grief will remain and there will be days when it’s impossible to ignore.

As I took this same picture last fall and another October revealed itself in beauty and splendor, I had no idea my life was about to change so much. I had no idea my mom would be taken away from us and that she wouldn’t be here to enjoy this new season by my side.

That’s the thing about life. We don’t know what life will bring from one day to the next. Life doesn’t come with guarantees and every time I lose someone I love, I’m reminded to appreciate every moment and hold my loved ones even tighter.

My heart hurts for my mom today and all that' she’s missing out on and I miss her more than ever. But my heart also hurts for you. Because I know….oh how I know the pain living life without someone you love.

Be extra gentle with your heart as you miss your loved ones and do something kind for yourself today.

I treasure every single memory and I’m so glad for the time my mom and I had together but I would give anything to be picking her up today and going for a ride. Instead, I will soak in the stunning colors and toast my beautiful mom with a Starbucks coffee and a cream cheese muffin. And I know she’s in my heart today and always.

Sending love -

michele