Recently, I talked with my friend Terry. A dear friend who is grieving the tragic loss of his husband two short years ago. While he has come far in his grief journey and has moments of joy, Terry will always carry both love and grief deep in his heart. And, regardless of how much has changed, Duane’s flip flops remain sitting by the door.

The flip flops by the door always warm my heart and remind me that no matter how many things change after a devastating loss, there will always be things we hang on to and things that we desperately want to stay the same.

One of the big questions I am often asked is, “when should I get rid of my loved one’s stuff” or “is it normal to wear her sweatshirt or leave his coat hanging where he left it all those years ago?”

My answer is simple. There is no right or wrong when it comes to loss and grief. There are no hard fast rules to follow and in the end, it’s completely up to you. This is your grief journey. You need to do what feels right for you and your grief without worrying about what anyone else expects or thinks.

It’s common to want to keep some things the same and especially when everything in your life has been rearranged.

Keeping certain items, leaving something undisturbed, or continuing to do an activity you always shared together are things that many grievers will do to keep the connection with their loved one alive. To honor and remember who they are and to feel closer to them long after they are gone.

When someone you love dies, everything they did, touched, or had suddenly becomes sacred. In the beginning, nothing is too small to keep. It’s almost as if “things” become a lifeline after loss has broken your heart. There is comfort in the familiar and sometimes we desperately need that.

Memories are often tied to things and that’s okay. You might find both pain and joy in the most unexpected places or a sentimental item regardless of how much time has gone by. And there may be some things that you will never let go of, discard or give away. Especially if it holds special meaning for you.

Everyone is different. Some people want to sort, discard, donate and get rid of things quickly after a loss. Others find it too hard or painful and delay dealing with stuff for months or even years.

It’s all part of the grieving process and again, there isn’t a right or wrong way to do any of this. There’s only your way. I still have a ripped and torn sweatshirt that belonged to my first husband and I can’t bear to throw it away. So I won’t.

My mantra is, “keep nothing, keep everything or keep a few things that you can’t bear to let go of.” It’s your personal journey and it’s up to you. There’s no rush to make decisions on any of it and sometimes it’s better to wait before you make any big decisions too soon after a turn life upside down kind of loss.

If you are at a crossroads and considering what to do next, Whats Your Grief shares great tips on sorting through your loved one’s things when and if you are ready to tackle what can feel like a big mountain to climb.

Losing someone you love is one of the most painful things human beings will go through and the grief that shows up is messy, confusing, exhausting and overwhelming. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and I hope you are being extra patient with yourself. Shower yourself with kindness, compassion and grace.

You will always keep the love shared close when you grieve so why wouldn’t you keep the flip flops by the door? If it matters to you and it brings you a small slice of comfort and joy, hang on to it and I hope it brings a smile to your beautiful face once in awhile. Even if the smile is mixed with a few tears.

Your grief matters. Always.

With love,

Michele