It’s the most wonderful and magical time of year. Until it’s not, and for those who are grieving this season, the holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It can be a challenge to know what to say and do to help support loved ones who are struggling with the pain of grief during the holidays, but it’s so important that you find ways to welcome grief to your holiday table during this time of year.

It’s important to invite friends and family who are grieving to holiday gatherings but it’s equally important to invite their grief too. Regardless of how hard people try to hide behind a smile and pretend, grief will be there.

Here are a few things to remember when it comes to grief and the holidays:

• Be flexible and don’t take it personally if someone declines your invitation or needs to leave early because it feels too overwhelming or sad to be there.

• Grief can’t be fixed and please don’t invite a loved one over with the intention of cheering them up or trying to take away their pain. Grief isn’t something to be fixed and bright siding isn’t what they need.

• Don’t expect them to hide their grief or pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

• Don’t expect them to smile, be joyful or pressure them to do something they are not ready to do.

• Instead, invite them with an open heart and compassion versus unrealistic expectations or judgement.

• Welcome them into your home with unconditional love and support.

• Honor their grief and be responsive to how they are feeling and what they need.

• If someone is grieving, it can feel overwhelming to attend holiday gatherings and parties. People often fear they will feel pressured, uncomfortable and judged if they can’t be the person everyone needs them to be.

• Put your loved one’s mind at ease by acknowledging their grief. Let them know it’s okay and their grief is welcome at your holiday table. Meet them right where they are.

• Sometimes there are no perfect words but what you do and say can make a difference during the holiday season.

Perhaps you can say something like this:

“I know this season is extra hard and I know your heart is hurting. I want you to know I care and both you and your grief are welcome to join us in our home. No pressure and if you decide to come last minute or change your mind and feel more comfortable staying home, that’s absolutely okay. I’m here for you and I want to support you in any way you need.”

A few last thoughts to keep in mind:

Grief is messy and unpredictable. It can change from one moment to the next and for those who are grieving, it can be difficult to know what they need or want. Sounds, sights, and smells can stir up memories during the holidays and the volume of grief is often turned way up.

The best gift you can give to a grieving family member, colleague or friend is your unconditional love, presence and support versus trying to make them happy or distract them with holiday toasts and cheer.

Remember, grief can show up in many different ways and it’s possible your loved one may experience several different feelings all at once. It’s possible for them to laugh one moment and cry the next. They can feel grateful but incredibly sad at the same time. It’s possible to find moments of joy and feel the heaviness of grief too. That’s okay and your acceptance and awareness will make all the difference in the world.

Provide a safe space for your grieving family or friend. Your home can be a place of refuge during one of the most difficult times of the year and if they are having a hard moment or the tears come, sit with them and hold their hand. Give a gentle hug or find a place for them to rest or catch their breath for a moment or two. Let them know it’s okay.

Grief isn’t the enemy. Grief is something every human being will come to know. Grief can be a trusted companion and friend even during the holidays and it’s when we can all learn to welcome grief to the holiday table that those who grieve can feel safe enough to show up and attend.

We are all in this together.

Sending love always -

Michele