Meet Michelle
Michelle shares about the painful loss of her son, Nicholas, who died from fentanyl poisoning and the impact this heartbreaking loss has had on their entire family.
Tell us a little bit about yourself. We would love to get to know you.
My name is Michelle Loberg. I was an adopted, only child with loving parents and I always knew I would have a larger family of my own with lots of kids someday. My high school sweetheart and I were married in 1989, and several years later we started a family. Our daughter Kelli was born in 1993, followed by our daughter Emily in 1997 and in December of 1999 our son Nicholas was born.
I had the perfect family. The kids were in lots of activities and loved to try different things. We loved camping and went on lots of trips when the kids were young. Eventually, we bought a cabin and hunting land in Northern Minnesota and spent quality time there.
I’m a very empathetic person and my kids got that from me. In particular, Nicholas was always an empathetic and sensitive kid.
Honestly, I didn’t think this would ever happen to me. I didn’t think I would ever lose any of my children, but here I am.
Share your story and tell us what happened and about the day Nicholas died.
Nicholas loved to be outside. He was always tinkering, building and taking things apart in the garage. Nick liked to hunt and fish and his dad Jeff loved sharing that time with him.
In middle school, Nick started to withdraw and spend more time alone. He kept to himself and school was hard. Nick had a lot of anxiety both socially and academically. We had him tested for ADHD in 8th grade but chose to wait on medication and pursued counseling instead.
Things seemed to be going okay but when Nick started high school he failed a couple of classes and there were red flags. With the guidance of a psychiatrist and counselor, Nick started taking anxiety meds and it was then that Nick shared he had been smoking weed since middle school. We never suspected a thing.
Unfortunately, the medications were not helping and Nick was self-medicating by smoking weed and seeking other drugs. Nick was educating himself and would basically tell the doctor what medication he wanted to take. Eventually, he started taking street drugs as a supplement and experimented with Xanax, Percocet and Oxy.
The summer before he died, Nick shared with me that he had bought cocaine but didn’t want to take it. He asked me to get rid of it and I immediately flushed it down the drain. The journey we were on with our son was maddening, heartbreaking, sad, scary and I felt helpless most of the time.
Nick went through treatment four times with the first time being more specific to mental health and we thought it would help. But, after his 18th birthday, Nick was pulled over twice under the influence and was now in the system with the requirements of ongoing UA tests, probation and court.
The challenges were stacking up and with the ongoing struggles at school, Nick transferred to the community high school. Sadly, Nick never graduated even though many staff members tried to help Nick with credit recovery in every possible way.
Nick wanted to graduate so bad and he knew he needed to if he wanted to create a life for him and his girlfriend Hailey. But he just couldn’t do it.
Before he died, Nick overdosed on August 5th, 2020. He was saved by Narcan and was in ICU for a couple of days. From there, Nick went straight to treatment and we told him we would continue to support him if he got help. Nick came home on September 10th and looked the best we had seen him look in a long time. He was doing great and got a job but a few weeks later he ended up in the ER twice due to severe panic attacks. His anxiety was over the top and he wanted to use so bad. I wanted them to admit him and keep him safe but they sent him home anyway. I was terrified.
Just one week later, Nick died. It was a normal Monday. Jeff drove him to work and I picked him up at the end of the day. Everything seemed normal. After we got home, Nick said he was going to the vape store with a friend. Vaping was the least of our worries at this point.
It turned out he was lying. Nick said he was going to meet a friend at the park by our home, go to the Vape store and then his friend would bring him home. I told him to be home by 8. Nick did come home at 8 but we would come to learn that he never went to the vape store.
Nick’s room and bathroom are in the basement and I was downstairs watching TV when he got home. He had a nightly routine and was in and out of his bedroom. We talked for a few minutes about the next day. Nick was to start a new job and I wanted to make sure we knew the location and to make sure he wouldn’t be late. Nick had already talked to his dad about it earlier and told me it was all good.
Nick went to his room and I continued to watch TV until 9. At that point I decided to head upstairs and go to bed. Jeff was already in bed but as I turned the lights off, something told me to go downstairs and say goodnight to Nick.
At 9:15 I knocked and Nick didn’t say anything. I opened the door and Nick was laying on the floor with his head by the door. I have never screamed like that in my entire life. Nick wasn’t responding and he didn’t look right. I knew it was bad. I ran upstairs screaming for Jeff. He came running downstairs and immediately started CPR while I called 911. I grabbed Narcan and struggled to get it open. Jeff administered it and continued CPR.
I was hysterical and it felt like a lifetime waiting for help to arrive. Once they arrived, Jeff and I were told to wait upstairs. There were so many first responders in the house and we felt sick. I remember dry heaving in the garbage can. After about 30 minutes, someone came up and told us they had done everything they could. Nick didn’t make it. My body was being controlled by something unknown to me. I was screaming as I collapsed to the floor and started kicking the chairs and wall while screaming for Nicholas to wake up over and over again.
I will never forget Nick’s face that night or how Nick didn’t respond. So many things are crystal clear in my mind. Things I will never forget.
The police and EMTs were amazing but due to the nature of Nick’s death, our home became a crime scene. Investigators needed to take pictures and collect anything that was suspicious in his room or bathroom.
Nick’s body was brought up and there would be an autopsy. We found out later that Nick had gone to the park in our neighborhood. Nick bought heroin and didn’t realize the drugs were laced with fentanyl. Our worst nightmare had found its way into our home.
We had to tell Nick’s sisters. Emily was in college and Kelli lived in Texas with her husband and our grandchild. We didn’t want to call Emily so we got in our car at 4 am and drove to her. Telling the girls their brother had died was horrible and incredibly hard to do.
As hard as all of this has been, I don’t ever want to forget that day because it’s the last day Nick was alive.
In addition to losing my son, I lost my dad in 2017 and that’s when Nick started to spiral. My mom had a stroke in 2019 and I became a caretaker for her until she passed away in April of 2022. There’s been so much cumulative loss and so much grief to carry.
It feels surreal sometimes yet it’s our reality every single day.
Nick’s death is such a devastating loss. What was it like in the early days of grief?
Everything felt raw. I was extremely sad, numb and my heart literally ached for a very long time. I didn’t want to wake up the next day and when I would open my eyes I would think F*#K while knowing I had to do this all over again today. It was exhausting and the same reel and nightmare kept playing over and over again in my head. It’s hard to explain but I felt like I was looking through sunglasses with Nick’s face on them every day with fear, sadness and heartache. It didn’t matter what I was doing, I had to do it looking through the glasses and seeing Nick in everything. It’s always there and you can’t get away from it.
Mondays are exceptionally hard. I can’t help but think about what was going on the Monday Nick died. Nick was at work. Nick came home. I’m constantly looking at the time and conscious of the clock. And, the evening always feels worse.
How has grief changed in the past few months?
Grief has become more manageable. It reminds me of the image of the ball in the glass jar. The ball stays the same size but the jar gets bigger and you learn to grow around it and navigate through your grief. It’s been educational and enlightening. It enlightened me for the better. I’m more understanding than before when it comes to grief and any struggles in life. Everyone has something they are going through and it’s important to be kind. To remember that there’s darkness in life but there’s also light.
How has grief changed you?
I feel like my life will never be normal again. Everything is different. It’s hard to put into words. I hate that this is my life but at the same time, I have a nice life. I’m just missing a piece of myself and I carry that with me in everything I do. There are a lot of conflicting emotions but I have learned you can carry all of it at the same time.
What has been the lowest and most painful part of your grief journey?
It can’t get any lower than the night Nick died.
Also, I struggle with feeling jealous when I see other people living the life I wish I still had. I’m on a wooden boat that is full of holes and falling apart. Big waves are constantly crashing into the boat and it’s drifting all over the place while others are on a cruise ship heading in a straight line. I have no compass and it somehow feels easier to just be alive instead of truly live.
We are never going to have a wedding for Nick. He is never going to be a father. We will never have a family vacation with him again and someone is always missing during the holidays. It’s hard to accept that.
What has been the hardest part about loss and grief?
I feel incomplete. There’s a huge void in our life that can’t be filled with words or things. I’m sad for my girls too but I have learned you have to find a way to adapt to being incomplete. It’s similar to losing a limb. You have to adapt because you can’t grow another limb. The grief doesn’t change or go away, you have to adapt to it. It takes a very long time.
The work of grief becomes so hard after the funeral and I now understand when I hear that sometimes the 2nd year can be harder than the 1st. It’s that distance of time in between that pulls you farther away from the time when I last saw or talked to Nick.
Joy and Grief can exist in the same space. How do you find joy? What brings you peace or what has helped you cope?
Joy has been tough. There is guilt that comes with joy for me. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t feel joy because I’m a grieving mom.
With that being said, it’s becoming easier to socialize even though it was hard for a long time. I wanted to isolate in the beginning and often felt like I was a drag at any function or worried I would fall apart. I have learned who I feel most comfortable with and I try to surround myself with people who I know I can safely talk to about my grief and Nick.
It’s also the simple things. Having a routine. Meeting a friend for coffee. Golfing. Dipping my toes in the water of living instead of just being alive.
We live in a society that’s uncomfortable with grief. What do you want the world to know?
It’s really quite basic and simple. Grief is love. Your love for your child doesn’t stop because they died. It’s ridiculous that society thinks that. Where there is love there will be grief. And we grieve because of love. I wouldn’t wish this type of pain on anyone but someday everyone will know how painful loss and grief are.
The things that are most important in life quickly rise to the top. You realize what and who are most important. It’s hard to listen to people talk about trivial stuff after going through a devastating loss. The social thing is hard but I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me either.
How can friends, family and colleagues better support those who are grieving?
I realize that everyone is different and some people are more private or find it hard to talk about their loved one, but personally, I love to talk about Nick. If you have a friend or loved one who is grieving – educate yourself. There are so many great resources out there. Resources that provide guidance on how to help and support those who are grieving.
It’s a long haul. It’s important for people to be in it with us. Don’t let it fall to the wayside and don’t forget about the siblings. It’s important to remember the whole family is grieving.
The simplest of things mean the most. Let people know you are thinking of them. Let your loved ones know they are always in your heart and that you are praying for their family. Be careful of platitudes and the hallmark version of showing up.
Don’t tell me that Nick is in a better place. Even if I know that he is at peace I don’t want others telling me that. Just tell me you love me and are thinking about me. Platitudes feel dismissive and like the loss is being minimized. You don’t want to say the wrong things because it lingers and we don’t forget.
There’s a song that describes grief and a verse that says “walk softly on this heart of mine.” Keep that in mind when supporting someone who is grieving. Walk softly.
What has helped you the most?
Reading has been huge for me. I’m always looking for things that are relatable and digestible. Sometimes reading two sentences or a short paragraph gets me through my day. I need to talk about my loss and grief. I need to be able to express my feelings openly and it helps to post my real feelings and memories online.
Finding a good grief group is huge and has helped me in so many ways.
Sleep is hard and I often wake up in the middle of the night. I have found that a mindfulness routine is helpful for me. When I can’t sleep, I go downstairs and sit by a beautiful etched glass memorial that was given to us. I might have a pity party but then I say a few prayers and talk to Nick. And, I always end with saying three things I’m grateful for.
This has sucked so much but I know there are still things to be grateful for. I don’t want to overlook my grandson, my daughters, my husband or my marriage. And I’m grateful for the family, friends and co-workers that have supported and carried us.
I have learned to tell people what’s helpful and what’s not. I’m honest if people ask what they can do for me.
It’s not about something specific like a meal train. It’s about praying for my family and checking in. Check in on the 12th of each month or on Mondays that seem to be so hard.
If you could have one more day what would you say and what would you like to do with Nick?
I would tell him he is an amazing joy in my life and he will always be my baby boy. I love his sensitivity. I would love to spend the day talking and holding him tight. I miss his physical presence and the little things we used to do like going to Starbucks, looking at shoes or cooking a meal together. I miss him walking through the door.
Any last thoughts you would like to share with other grievers out there?
I used to look at people who were years down the road in their grief journey and I would think that I will never make it. But knowing them and seeing them survive gave me hope. I was looking for a magic answer but as one of my colleagues who lost her son shared, it’s taking it one day at a time. I’ve found this to be true. There will always be people that are farther down the road than I am and I use them as a guide. Their journey and light help me find my way.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Nick and that he’s gone. You learn to go about your day and every day is different. Some days are easier than others but each day is still in the shape of Nick and that doesn’t change.
Nick was an amazing and sensitive kid and he will always be my baby boy. Nick loved art of all kinds: pottery, writing music, and drawing. He was an outstanding cook and spent a lot of time in the kitchen. He enjoyed being outdoors, fishing, and hunting. He truly had the biggest heart and will be forever 20 in our hearts.
My son went to get high and fentanyl killed him.
It would be easy to go to a dark place and to be angry and bitter all the time. But that’s not who I am.
What resources have helped you?
Books:
It’s OK that You’re Not OK by Megan Devine
Shattered – Surviving the Loss of A Child by Gary Roe
Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba
Journey of Souls by Michael Newton
Comfort for Grieving Hearts by Gary Roe
Hope Springs From a Mother’s Broken Heart by Theresa Anthony
Grief Walk by Gary Roe
This Thing Called Grief by Thomas Ellis
Social Media:
Megan Devine – Refuge in Grief
Michele DeVille
Podcasts:
Hereafter – Megan Devine
Terrible, thanks for asking – Nora McInerny
Michelle, you have become a huge advocate trying to help educate society on the dangers of fentanyl? What would you like people to know?
I would encourage everyone to educate yourself and learn about the dangers of fentanyl. It’s the leading cause of death for Americans age 18-45. There were 107,622 overdoses in 2021 and 71,238 of those deaths were from fentanyl.
The most recent statistics and other facts can be found on:
cdc.gov and search fentanyl
There is also a Facebook group known as “LVOF - Lost Voices of Fentanyl” where you can see how many stories there are just like mine. Heartbreaking stories where fentanyl took their loved ones life.
If anyone would like to reach out to Michelle, you can contact her at:
Facebook: Michelle Loberg
Instagram: mjloberg