Defending Your Grief

Image credit - Angelo Casto

Grief is everywhere and yet, people who are grieving often feel like they have to hide or defend their grief from the world. Sadly, we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with grief and grief is somehow minimized because of it.

So many people have told me about feeling judged and there is often an air of defensiveness from grievers because they feel like they are doing it wrong. They feel unsupported and often hide their grief rather than make others feel uncomfortable.

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how hard it is to feel and grieve. Because, society has unrealistic expectations and wants everyone to hurry up and get back to normal. But, there is no normal and this pressure is so wrong. I understand why those who are grieving feel they must defend their grief and hide it away behind their heart’s walls.

It reminds me of a castle protected by a moat. The key purpose of a moat was to stop the enemy from marching directly on to the walls of the castle. Moats were very effective in preventing the enemy from breaching a castle’s boundary walls, thereby giving the castle and all that was held inside an extra layer of protection and defense.

In a sense, people build moats around their grief to protect themselves from intruders who don’t get it and make them feel worse during one of the most difficult times in life.

If grievers feel vulnerable, judged and misunderstood, building a wall around the heart can feel like the perfect defense to protect themselves while keeping others out.

There is already enough pain in grief and one should never have to absorb the additional pain brought on by a culture that runs away from grief and struggles to show up for those who so badly need validation and support.

We need to breakdown the barriers and change the way we talk about grief. Grief needs to be seen and heard.

The griever shouldn’t have to build a fortress with barbed wire around the pain that has turned their world upside down. The griever should be able to wear their heart, feelings and grief on the outside and welcome others in. To listen, witness and sit with them in their grief. If that’s what they need.

Keeping that in mind, I want to acknowledge that everyone grieves differently and for some, grieving in private is what feels best. That’s 100% okay.

Whether you grieve in private or out in the open, grief should never have to be defended or hidden behind walls. Your grief is personal to you and the only right way to grieve is your way.

There are no timelines. No rules. No right or wrong. Grief is natural and it weaves itself into the fabric of who you are and it’s what makes you human.

If you are grieving, please remember that your grief matters and you are not doing anything wrong. You don’t need to justify your grief, apologize for it or hide it away from the world.

You GET to grieve. And when you lose someone or something you love deeply, what choice do we really have.

I know it’s painful and hard. Nothing about grief is easy and the pressures from society can make it an empty and lonely place for sure. But, you don’t have to do this all alone. You are cared about and loved.

Finding the courage to tear down the walls and grieve regardless of what others think is exhausting. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself. Shower your heart with compassion and self-love. Find comfort in the knowing that you are not doing it all wrong and, find those who support you unconditionally.

Sending love always.

Michele