Joy, Grief and Birthdays
February 28th is a special day. It’s my sweet mom’s birthday and both my daughter and niece celebrate birthdays today too. But today also comes with mixed emotions as we celebrate mom’s first heavenly birthday. Today has reminded me it’s possible to find joy, grieve and celebrate birthdays all at the same time.
The truth is, I dreaded today for the past several weeks. I knew today would be hard and it is. I woke up feeling the heaviness of grief knowing my mom is no longer physically here.
It’s her 80th today and our family was planning on hosting a big party for mom this year. And she would’ve loved it for sure.
But life stepped in and plans changed. Mom died a few months ago and February 28th now comes with mixed emotions and a yearning for what once was and no longer is.
I miss her so much and today is yet another reminder of all that’s changed and the deep void feels a bit bigger today. I miss her hugs. Her infectious laugh and smile. I miss our daily chats and enjoying donuts and coffee. I miss her love and her constant support. I miss knowing my biggest fan and cheerleader is no longer here and boy do I miss our movie dates.
I MISS MY MOM.
With that being said, today is a day of celebration. It’s a day filled with so many beautiful things and February 28th is the day I became a mom. February 28th is the day my mom became a grandma for the first time and it was such a special day for her and for me. Today is when my beautiful daughter was born.
Today is a reminder that joy and grief can exist in the same space. We can still laugh, smile and celebrate birthdays of those we love that are here and for those who have died.
Grief isn’t a singular emotion and it doesn’t have to be an either/or experience. The journey of grief can be filled with many emotions and sometimes they hit all at the same time.
The human heart is resilient and it has the ability to create enough space to carry all of what we feel from one moment to the next. And thank God for that. We all need short breaks from the heaviness of grief and when the volume of grief turns down, it creates space for joy and happiness to move back in.
I’m grateful for that today.
There’s nothing easy about today. The grief, sadness and yearning is fresh and raw. If given the choice, I would prefer my mom was here. I would love to have a big party to celebrate both my daughter and mom today.
And while my mom’s not physically here, we did try to celebrate her today. My sister and I went out to lunch and shared stories, laughed a bit and ordered a birthday dessert, candle and all.
Tonight, my daughter will celebrate and we will spend time with the grandkids who are a never ending source of joy.
Tears have fallen today and my heart hurts but I have also smiled and laughed. It’s possible to grieve and celebrate birthdays at the same time.
If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, please know I’m here for you. I know the deep sadness and the emptiness. I know the trip wires that lay in wait and can set off a cascade of tears without warning and on what started out as a good day.
It’s part of the journey and while it’s painfully hard, I hope you can find pockets of happiness and joy even when grief has become a part of your life.
Happy birthday to my daughter Danielle, my niece Paige and happy birthday to my beautiful mom. You are forever missed and we will continue to celebrate you year after year. If it wasn’t for you, the rest of us wouldn’t be here.
As I left the house today, the wind chimes stirred inside the door and I know you’re with me today as you celebrate your special 80th with dad, grandma and grandpa.
Sending love to all of you and I’m always in your corner and here to listen.
With love-
Michele