The Other Four Letter F Word

How many times have you said “I’m Fine” when you’re not? I know I have and saying “I’m Fine” is one of the most common responses regardless of what’s going on in ones life. I like to think of the word fine as the other four letter F word and it’s said all the time.

To ask someone, “how are you” after a devastating loss happens every day. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the grocery store, at the post office, a holiday party or at work.

And, most people will automatically answer with an “i’m fine” whether they are doing fine or not.

So, why do people say they are fine even if they have had the most awful day and grief has ripped their heart apart?

We live in a world that’s uncomfortable with loss and grief. A world that struggles with the tough things in life and when people are struggling or sad.

Instead of normalizing grief and creating a culture that embraces it, people tend to try to brush it off or pretend it doesn’t exist. Somehow it feels safer and easier that way.

But this strategy doesn’t work. It’s one of the reasons those who are grieving hide behind fake smiles and pretend everything is okay when it’s not.

It’s one of the reasons that someone was just sobbing in the car but quickly wipes the tears away when they run into a friend in the supermarket and when asked, “how are you doing”, automatically answers with an “I’m fine.”

Those who grieve often say they’re fine because they don’t want to make others uncomfortable or they fear being judged.

Sometimes, it’s said because they believe it’s what others need and want to hear. And, sometimes, they’re right.

And, there are days when everything feels too heavy and people carrying the pain of grief don’t have the energy to be honest or to share everything that’s going on inside of their heart.

I get it. I do it too.

There’s no right or wrong way to answer when people ask how you are.

I would encourage you to answer in whatever way feels most comfortable for you. Knowing that it might change from one day to the next.

We need to keep bringing grief to the center stage and normalize grief so that people don’t feel like they have to hide it or pretend they are doing okay when everything is falling apart.

We need to change the conversations around grief and make it more comfortable to answer truthfully versus craft our answers to what others need and want to hear.

I have often thought we should have an “I’m Fine” jar in our homes. Just like the swearing jar, everyone needs to put a dollar in the jar when they say “I’m Fine” when really everything is hard and life has been turned inside out.

My guess is, we would all collect enough money after a few months, to take a nice little trip. A trip where the sun is shining and based on where I live, it’s not 20 below zero during the month of January.

I’m sorry you’re hurting and I’m sorry if you feel like you have to hide your feelings from time to time.

Remember, your grief matters and it deserves to be felt, expressed and heard.

Whether you are having an “I’m fine” kind of day or not, your grief is safe here and I’m always sending love.

Michele