You Don’t Have to Move On After Loss - But You Can Move Forward

People sitting on the edge of your grief and looking from the outside in will tell you many things that fail to align with how you are feeling inside. They will tell you it’s time to move on and while it may be with the best of intentions, telling someone to move on from a devastating loss is less than helpful.

So many of the things that are said to grievers feel dismissive and the grieving often feel alone and misunderstood in their pain. The simplest of “well-meaning” phrases can cause more harm than good and unfortunately, so much of what is said leads grievers to take their grief underground and grieve behind closed doors.

I want you to remember that you don’t have to get over it or move on after loss - but you can learn to move forward. Contrary to popular belief in a grief illiterate world, it’s difficult to get over a devastating loss and people rarely move on from a life-changing loss. And there’s a big difference between moving on and moving forward. When it comes to grief, the two are not the same.

Everyone’s journey is different and no two people will grieve in exactly the same way. Grief is a personal experience and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. And in the same light, the meaning of moving forward in life for one griever may look very different for another griever. And that’s okay.

For some, moving forward may be as simple as taking the smallest of steps one day at a time. Perhaps finding the courage to get out of bed and take a shower may be moving forward in the early days after loss.

For others, moving forward may mean cleaning out closets, donating items, or selling their home. It might include going back to work, taking a trip, or going out to dinner with good friends.

Moving forward might mean you have decided to date, meet new people, go back to school, or have another child.

And in the simplest of terms, moving forward may mean you have given yourself permission to live life to the fullest and laugh again.

There are so many different examples of what moving forward might look like and it will mean different things to different people. There are no timelines here and no rules to follow. This is your journey and it’s important to take the pressure off and meet yourself where you are instead of trying to please a world that doesn’t always get it.

And the truth is, moving forward isn’t always easy. It can take time, patience, and grace. Some people will walk forward into a new and different life sooner than later while others will slowly stumble forward and crawl.

Grievers often worry that if they move forward in life they are leaving their grief and loved one behind. However, that’s simply not true. Moving on can feel more like leaving something behind but moving forward is different and necessary after loss and as the world continues to spin, there’s no other choice. You can move forward after loss and even though your grief will travel with you and remain in your life, it will become easier to navigate.

To me, moving forward and integrating loss and grief into your new and different life feels less threatening than trying to move on from something that’s completely turned everything upside down. You will never stop loving or missing your special person so why would you move on or stop grieving for them?

With that being said, the thought of moving forward can feel like a huge mountain to climb and grievers often feel overwhelmed and fearful of what lies ahead.

As Martin Luther Kind Jr. said, “You don’t have to se the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

So how do any of us move forward after a heartbreaking loss?

Acknowledge Your Grief.

It’s human nature to want to run away from pain and for anyone grieving, there will be pain. It’s counterintuitive to run towards it and sit inside of the pain of grief. However, sitting with your pain and grief is an important and healing thing to do. Ignoring your grief won’t take it away and honestly, pretending grief doesn’t exist will only make things worse. There have been many times when I’ve struggled to accept a loss and it didn’t feel real. It felt easier to live in denial and find distractions at every turn. But in the end, none of that helped. It was when I could acknowledge my grief, feel it and sit with it, that I found a path to carry it with me and move forward.

Ask For Help.

So much of the hard work of grief must be done alone. No one can grieve for you but it’s also important to seek out help and support. You are just one person who has been asked to do things you never thought you would have to do. The journey of grief is incredibly long and hard. We all need love, compassion, and support. Find a safe space and people who are willing to help you and show up for you. Find people you can talk to and be honest with. Talk to a grief therapist or coach if you’re feeling stuck. Feeling supported and validated can make a huge difference when trying to move forward after loss.

Give Yourself Permission.

We live in a world that is uncomfortable with grief and there are so many outdated beliefs floating around. People will tell you to find the positive in the loss and find ways to get over it as quickly as possible. Family and friends will expect you to be further along than you actually are and some will try to tell you that it’s been long enough and that you should feel better by now. Again, this line of thinking is outdated and it puts pressure on grievers to rush through a process that can’t and shouldn’t be rushed. Don’t listen to the outside world. Give yourself permission to feel and grieve.

Trust The Process.

Everyone’s process will look and feel different and the process will shift and change over time. But grieving is a natural and normal process. It is a series of actions and steps taken as you learn to adapt to all of the changes in your life. Some days will feel easier and more intuitive than others, but even the smallest of steps will move you closer to rebuilding a new and different life.

Be Realistic.

Grievers often put too much pressure on themselves. Pressure to grieve in the perfect way and to meet the expectations of family and friends. Set boundaries, know your limitations, and remember it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to be a bit selfish and to dial back when you need a break or to catch your breath.

Self-care Is Necessary.

Grief is exhausting. You can’t expect to rebuild and heal if you’re exhausted and not taking care of yourself. Self-care can mean many things but it’s important to make sure you are remembering to do the basics when it comes to taking care of your mind, body, and heart. Stay hydrated. Eat healthy and nourishing foods (even if it’s just a snack). Move your body a little bit every day. Get outside for a walk. Meditate. Do light stretching. Rest when you can and try to get a goodnight sleep. And of course pamper yourself in whatever way feels good for you. It might be taking a hot bath, taking a weekend trip, getting a massage, painting, journaling, watching a good move, or grabbing dinner with a friend. You deserve it.

Honor Your Loved One.

Whether you are an emotional griever or an intellectual one, it can feel good to honor your loved one. There are so many things people can do to stay connected to their loved one as they move forward in life. Volunteer in their honor. Tell stories about them. Say their name. Plant a tree in their name. Write about them. Wear their favorite sweater or cook their favorite meal. Create and manage a foundation in their honor. There’s no right or wrong way to honor your loved one and sometimes it can be as simple as lighting a candle, holding their picture, or writing a letter to them. Do what feels good for your heart.

You don’t have to move on from your loss or your grief and honestly, that’s a tough thing to do. But you can move forward and with time, life can feel good again. It will look and feel different but it’s possible to find meaning and purpose as you move forward with grief in your heart.

Moving forward isn’t something that happens overnight nor should you put pressure on yourself to move forward before you are ready or just because someone is asking you to. Honor your heart, your grief, and when you are ready, give yourself permission to be curious about the possibilities that might lie ahead for you.

You can do this. I am proud of every step you take as you learn how to move forward on a journey you never asked to take.

Sending lots of love.

michele