Meet Carissa
Carissa shares about the heartbreaking loss of losing her dad to Covid-19.
Hello. Tell us a little bit about yourself. We would like to get to know you.
My name is Carissa. I’m 17 years old and I live in Alabama. I enjoy being outside and I love the country life. I’m an animal lover and my dog Toby is my tiny, best friend. I love all things that are girly. Also, my passion is cooking and baking. I really enjoy making vegan dishes and desserts. I want to become a cosmetologist and own a hair salon someday.
I know the loss of your dad was devastating. Would you mind sharing your grief story and tell me about when your dad got sick and the day he died?
My entire family got sick with Covid. My dad was feeling fine for the first five days but on his birthday, his symptoms started getting worse and his oxygen levels dropped so my mom took him to the emergency room. They did nothing to help him and sent him home without medicine or a treatment plan. My dad continued to get worse and over the next couple of days, my mom took him to different emergency rooms. Eventually, he was admitted into the hospital.
I was so scared, but I would never have imagined that this terrible disease would change my life forever and take my loving father away from me. I just thought it was going to be our miracle story and he was going to get better. But he didn’t get better.
I don’t really remember much about the day he passed away. It was all a big blur, but there are a few things I do remember including where I was sitting in the hospital or calling my piano teacher to tell her my dad wasn’t going to make it. I remember leaving the hospital and how I felt but I don’t remember much after that.
What was life like before your dad died?
It’s hard to put a decade of love, memories, good times and bad in one paragraph. We were full of so much love for each other. Serving others was what we enjoyed as a family. We worked in the yard together on the weekends and loved going to church. Friday night was our family movie night. We loved watching movies together and we just loved being together whether it was going to the chiropractor or out to eat. We loved doing life together and with each other.
A devastating loss is heartbreaking and changes everything. What was life like in the early days, weeks and months after your dad died? How would you describe your grief?
This is a hard question to answer. Every day was different. We couldn’t go back to our house for a couple of months because it was too hard to be back in a place full of happy memories and in a split second it was gone. So, we stayed at different family members' houses for a while. It felt like we were homeless people, and I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. It was a very lonely, confusing, and difficult time.
Grief is exhausting physically and emotionally. It was hard to get off the couch at times. GRIEF CONSTANTLY CHANGES and EVERY DAY WAS DIFFERENT. Some days were harder than others and there are so many conflicting emotions that show up after losing someone.
It hasn’t been that long and there are no timelines to grief but how would you describe your grief journey and how has your grief changed if at all?
I feel like a lot of things have stayed the same these past 18 months when it comes to my grief. But some things have changed. In the beginning, it was hard to be motivated and sometimes it was hard just to get off the couch. I had not found anything that offered support, made me happy or kept me going.
I was so hurt by the things people had said and done to me but, it’s made me stronger, and I want to prove myself to them.
I have found things to make me happy and help me in my grief journey. I STILL hurt and I STILL have all the emotions. I STILL have weak moments and I STILL don’t have all the support I need. I STILL question GOD and I STILL question how others can treat me so terribly in my time of need. I’ve just learned how to navigate better on the bumpy road of grief.
How has grief changed your life and how has grief changed you?
I wouldn’t necessarily say grief has made me a better person because I’m lacking in so many different areas because of my loss. Grief is exhausting physically and mentally. It’s crippling and it’s OK that I’m struggling.
I’ve always been a compassionate and kind person, but loss has made me even more compassionate, kind, caring and loving towards others. And I’m the type of person that gives 110% to others. I get that from my parents.
When it comes to grief changing me, I would say yes and no at the same time. On the one hand, my life has been destroyed but it has also made me more aware, sympathetic, and compassionate towards what others might be going through.
Describe one of your lowest points or biggest struggles since your dad passed away?
This is hard to answer. There have been a couple of low moments since my dad died. One of the lowest moments happened when a kitten I was looking forward to keeping, died. I was already struggling with so much grief, but then other things kept happening. I was angry and screaming out to God. Why did things that brought me joy have to be taken away?
In addition to losing my beloved animals, my sister and I were forced to see a counselor. We didn’t feel comfortable going at that moment, but mom tried to make us go. It wasn’t an option, and we had no say on whether we went or not. We didn’t get to pick the therapist and it was exhausting both mentally and physically. I’m not saying that counseling can’t be helpful, but I wasn’t ready. There are other forms of therapy that we as grievers can find comfort in. It was a hard time and people had different opinions about everything. Personally, sitting and talking to a therapist wasn’t the best thing for me at the time.
What has been the hardest part about loss and grief for you?
Honestly, the hardest thing besides missing my dad is my relationship with God. Loss is such a struggle and I have so many questions. Most people don’t understand that you can have anxiety and depression but still have a relationship with the lord. It’s also hard to see others that are happy when you don’t feel that way after several losses in life.
Another thing that has been incredibly difficult is the hurt I have felt from others with everything that has been done and said to me.
Joy and grief can exist in the same space. How do you find joy? What brings you a sense of peace? What has helped you to cope?
I believe that there are things that make you physically happy and things that can make you mentally happy.
The things that make me happy and bring me joy are gymnastics, piano, cooking, baking and exercise. I also love watching movies, cuddling with my animals, shopping and all things that are girly including makeup and jewelry. Spa nights and anything regarding self-care make me happy too.
Knowing I will see my dad again in heaven brings me peace and connecting with people who understand my pain has brought me peace and helped me to cope.
We live in a society that’s uncomfortable with grief. What do you want the world to know about grief?
We live in a society that lacks authenticity. We are often fake when it comes to how we really feel and there are so many reasons why people feel that way. People are ashamed to show their true feelings but as much as the world tries to make you feel bad for having all the emotions, GOD gave you every one of them for a reason. Even Jesus expressed all his emotions, so you are totally valid for showing them too. It’s okay if you’re not always positive or happy.
What has hurt you the most when it comes to other people in your grief journey? What are some things that have been said that were not helpful or even hurtful?
It hurts that my family and friends left me so easily. As I mentioned before, I’m the type of person that gives 110% to others and I’m always here for you. But I didn’t get that from people in my life. I’ve had so many people try to tell me that my dad’s death happened for a reason. No! Losing my dad was not for the better of God’s plan. There have been so many inappropriate things said to me in my time of grief from people who should’ve known better. Unfortunately, it boils down to people not having the empathy or understanding of the pain of losing someone you love.
How can friends and family better support and help those who are grieving?
First things first. Never leave them no matter what. Be a constant support for them. A lot of people have said they don’t know what to say or do. I don’t need you to say the perfect thing or make everything better. What we need is a constant support system of love and understanding. As much as your prayers are appreciated, we need more than someone saying they are praying for us.
What has helped you the most?
I have shared most things already but doing things that make me feel good physically and mentally keep me going. Things like getting my hair done, planning a trip, and shopping make me happy. No one else is here to make me happy or take care of me. I need to be able to take care of myself.
What wisdom or thoughts would you like to share with other teenagers who are grieving?
There’s so much I would like to say, and everyone’s story and journey is different so it’s difficult to capture everything in one paragraph. I wish I could hug every teen and child that’s struggling or missing someone. I know that sounds cliché but it’s true. There are people out there that understand your pain and truly empathize. I understand that deep pain and I want to be there for you and be a friend. I want to be a listening ear and support system for you. Please DM me on Instagram or send me an email. I would love to hear from you and chat.
If you could have one more day with your dad, what would you say to him? What would you like to do together?
This is so hard to answer. I would want to say and do everything with him but obviously that’s not possible. I would say I love you but I’m a big talker so there’s no telling what I would say. I get that from my dad in case you’re wondering. I would probably ask him tons of questions and get his advice on things. I would tell him how much I love him and appreciate him.
I would love to go to work with him again. My dad was a roadmaster for the railroad and on the weekends, I could go with him occasionally. It’s so peaceful on the track seeing nature and the animals. It was so fun watching him do his job and I was so proud of him. Also, I would want to have a movie night and our favorite dinner and dessert. Lastly, I would take lots of pictures!
Do you have any resources or ideas that have helped you? (Books, groups, social media, podcasts, organizations, self-care tips)
To be honest, I haven’t found any resources that help me that much. It’s just a lot of little things combined that have helped me the most. I have not found any groups for teens that offer the level of connection I need and desire. That’s why I’m so passionate about starting my own group to support teens and kids. There are a couple of books that have helped me for different reasons. If you’re looking for support from books, I would recommend:
You Are Not Alone by Lynne B Hughes
I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp
I also love reading books by Sadie Robertson; books that help me grow my faith.
I have so many dreams, but I get very discouraged when it feels like everything is going against me. The book, You have a Brain by Ben Carson is a great book offering encouragement. Also, I look up to several other people like Christian Music Artist, Tauren Wells. I have a cool story that means a lot to me, and I would love to share.
We love going to Christian concerts and a few months after my dad died, my mom surprised my sister and I with tickets to Tauren Wells and Riley Clemmon’s concert. My mom told them our story and how much we looked up to them. They both jumped off the stage and came to hug us. It meant the world to my sister and me. After they returned to the stage, they offered words of encouragement and dedicated the show to us.
Any last thoughts you would like to share with fellow grievers and readers?
It may feel like you can’t do this, but you can! We are going to make it to victory one day. Give yourself grace. You’ve been through a lot and despite all odds, you keep trying! I’m proud of you.
I know I have talked about the loss of my dad but I’ve also lost my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle so I understand the pain of grieving different losses and I’m here for you.
I know you are trying to be an advocate for other teens and to help educate society on how to better support grievers. Tell us about your mission and what you hope to do?
I’m so glad you asked. I love sharing and talking about it. I dream about it all the time and because I’ve experienced grief as a teenager, I’ve noticed there’s a need for support for grieving kids and teens.
I want it to be different from other support groups! I want it to be a place where we can have fun socializing, but also be able to talk about our grief and the people we miss. I want to connect with one another, because through my grief journey, I’ve craved connection with others who understand this kind of pain. I’m still working on getting it up and going but I can’t wait to see this dream come true.
I welcome any insight or guidance that might help me to get this group started.
If anyone wants to reach out or follow my journey, please connect with me on Instagram @the.grievingteen or you can email me at carissaandtoby@gmail.com.