Meet Melissa
Melissa shares about the heartbreaking loss of her husband, Todd, to Covid.
Welcome Melissa. Tell us about yourself.
My name is Melissa and I live in Alabama with my two daughters, ages 14 and 17. I’m a 42 year old widow and I homeschool my girls. I love the outdoors, hiking, shopping, reading and writing, but I put my own interests aside and devoted my time and life to my family. My husband and daughters were my entire world and I loved spending every possible moment with them. I’m a loving and compassionate person that always tries to help others.
You shared that your husband Todd died from Covid. Can you tell us what happened?
My girls and I got Covid first. We tried to be careful and we quarantined away from Todd. He continued to go to work every day but tested positive on September 1, 2021. They sent him home without any medications or plan of care. On September 5th and his 43rd birthday, Todd’s oxygen levels dropped. He had double pneumonia but the ER sent him home with oxygen and meds. Unfortunately, his oxygen levels weren’t improving so I took him to a different ER only to be sent home again. Concerned, I took him to another ER and on the morning of September 8th, he was admitted to the hospital and things went from bad to worse.
We have all heard about the horror stories in and around healthcare, restrictions and Covid. Can you tell us about your experience once Todd was admitted to the hospital?
It was an awful time. I had absolutely no say over his healthcare choices. The hospital went against my wishes and made decisions regardless of what I wanted. It felt like the hospital was the warden and Todd was the prisoner.
I only spoke to my husband a couple of times before he was vented. After that he was put into a coma and vented without my permission. He wasn’t in the right state of mind to make those decisions for himself, and they did it against my wishes. After he was put on the ventilator, his health declined rapidly and we never spoke again.
I felt so helpless and I didn’t even think about him not coming home or having to say goodbye.
Can you tell us about the day he died?
I was praying for a miracle. Our story had spread all over the world and throughout the Catholic church. The money raised was donated towards hiring a prominent New York attorney to fight for medications that could treat him properly and hopefully help him to get better. But it wasn’t soon enough. On the morning of September 17th, the hospital called and told me he had taken a turn for the worse. I rushed to his side and held his hand as he died. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was go to the waiting room and tell the girls their dad had died. I have so much guilt and feel like I should have fought harder and done more to help him get better. I was recovering from Covid and hadn’t slept in days. There was very little help or support from others because of Covid and it was so lonely and a depressing nightmare from hell. There are so many traumatic images I can’t erase from my mind. I had always feared the possibility of becoming a widow but I never imagined I would be a widow at the age of 41 and with two teenage daughters to raise on my own.
What was life like before Todd got Covid and died. Tell us about Todd.
We were a family of 4 and lived a wonderful, quiet, simple life. Todd was a wonderful caretaker and he worked so hard. I was able to stay home and homeschool our daughters. He was a happy go lucky, good, old fashioned country boy who loved being a husband and dad. Todd adored me and put me on a pedestal. He was a lovable, simple guy with a servants heart and he would do anything to help others. He made everyone feel like they were the only one in the room and had the most amazing smile.
We spent a lot of time together as a family and enjoyed the small and important moments in life. We loved hiking, having picnics, watching movies, and he would play kickball with the girls in the front yard. He was such a great dad.
Todd loved people and animals. He would go out of his way to help his parents, our family and everyone he met. My girls have such high expectations of how others should be because of how loving and giving their dad was.
You have experienced so much loss in your life. Can you share a little bit about the other losses and how you have managed your grief after losing Todd?
Losing Todd is a loss like no other. My dad’s suicide was traumatic both emotionally and physically. My health declined and I was just starting to recover when all of this happened.
Not only did I lose a spouse, but I lost my best friend, lover, confidant, our provider and half of myself. The grief I carry for Todd doesn’t compare to any other grief I’ve experienced in the past. I feel like I’m being punished.
Also, Todd’s brother passed away from Covid 5 months after him and his mother passed away as well. My daughters and I are trying to take care of Todd’s dad while we’re living in this nightmare. It’s overwhelming.
It’s been a year since your wonderful husband Todd died. How has your grief changed?
Day by day, the numbness is starting to wear off, but there hasn’t been a day that I have not cried. Time feels like the enemy. It feels like yesterday and yet it feels like forever since I last saw him. Time is pulling me further and further away from the day he died. It’s like I’m living two lives. I’m trying to live life as a single parent and trying to make new friends but also find myself thinking about what we were doing at the very same time a year ago. I have been in a very deep fog. It’s like coming out of surgery and as the anesthesia wears off, you suddenly become aware of the reality of your loss. You feel like you’re missing a limb and trying to walk with one leg. We were married at age 21 and 22 and it's like we grew up together. I lost part of me and I don’t know who I am now. Honestly, I don’t know how I have survived this first year or how I kept going.
Grief brain is real. I used to love reading and writing but anything requiring brain power is a struggle for me now.
How has grief changed your life and how has grief changed you?
I’m still breathing but honestly, it feels like my soul left with him. I don’t recognize myself anymore. My heart has hardened this past year and grief has changed my personality. I have always been a compassionate person and would go over and above to help others. Loss has taught me that I need to put myself first more often. Todd would be proud of me. I work in the yard, clean the house and gutters and have learned how to shoot a gun to protect myself and my daughters. I used to be more independent and travel more before I became a wife but the loss of my husband has reminded me to teach my daughters that anything can happen in life and you need to be able to take care of yourself.
I learned the hard way that the world can be a cruel place but the loss of Todd has taught me to be more empathetic.
Sadly, my life has completely changed. I no longer spend time with the people Todd and I socialized with. I don’t sleep in our bedroom or eat at the dinner table. It’s too painful and there are too many memories. In some ways, I am a prisoner in my home. The girls and I talk about moving but our hearts are conflicted. I want to leave because of the memories but I also want to stay because of the memories we shared as a family.
I’m not the same person I was over a year ago. My lifestyle has changed and I don’t have the same interests and feel guilty if I experience even the smallest moments of happiness and joy. I do like to help others and that has helped me this past year.
My girls were forced to grow up far too soon and they have seen a side of the world they didn’t know existed until their dad died. They had to mature overnight and they can’t be the children they once were. My husband would hurt knowing that. He was the kind of guy who would invite neighborhood kids over if they didn’t have any support.
What has been your biggest struggle or lowest point this past year?
One of the biggest struggles was dealing with the toxicity from my mom and siblings. The girls and I went to stay with my mother after Todd died and instead of her being there for us, she caused more harm than good.
People should be pulling us up instead of knocking us down. It felt like being jabbed with shards of glass and there are days I can’t take it anymore. There’s a difference between committing suicide and wanting to die. My dad committed suicide and I would never do that. But it’s been tough. I feel like we have been attacked constantly but I keep going for my girls.
We have felt so lonely and abandoned by others. I envy people who have a whole tribe to lean on. It’s a dark and lonely valley and I feel as if I’m in an ocean drowning while trying to save myself and my daughters at the same time. We needed an anchor and there wasn’t one to be found.
The holidays have been incredibly hard. My daughters and I spent holidays in restaurants instead of sitting around a table with friends or loved ones…what it would’ve meant to be invited into someone’s home like my husband and I did for so many others! Instead, we feel homeless and all alone.
My girls are the best kids ever and they don’t deserve any of this. It’s shocking to me that people have just abandoned us. How could family, friends or the church give up on us so easily? I don’t understand it.
Hardest part of losing Todd and the grief you have been carrying?
One of the hardest things about losing my husband is learning how to accept the reality that he’s not coming back. It’s really hard to live in this world without my good, kind, husband and I worry constantly about something happening to me. What would my girls do if something happened to me and what would I do if something happened to one of my girls and Todd’s not here to help. The fear is real.
I feel like I can’t grieve openly for fear of being judged and I’m struggling to let go and forgive those who have not been there for us. There are so many different layers when it comes to grief.
Joy and grief can exist in the same space? Where do you find moments of joy?
My daughters have helped me to cope. It’s such an important time of life for my girls. I’m trying so hard to be happy and to be the mom they need me to be. I want to give them a good life and we do things together like going to a movie or getting our nails done. My daughters are my best friends. I try to be silly and goofy with my girls. Laughter pulls us out of the darkness at times.
I’m dreading when my girls leave home. How am I going to do life without them. I don’t want to hold them back. It’s hard to be so completely attached to your kids.
It’s hard to find joy but the girls need me more than ever. My hope is that I will see Todd again someday and that keeps me going.
What do you want others to know about grief?
Grief doesn’t get buried with your loved one. You don’t get over it. You just learn to live with it. It doesn’t get better but you learn to live life in different ways. I want people to know that it’s the simple things that matter the most. Pick up the phone and call. Stop over to say hello. Fight for your loved ones. Show up and don’t give up on them. If we don’t answer the phone after 2 or 3 tries, try again.
It's not about you. It’s about those who are grieving. If your feathers get ruffled, let it go. People are hurting. Society can look the other way and let so many things go, why is there such a disconnect when it comes to grief?
Grief never ends and there are no set stages in grief. Grief is messy and doesn’t follow a straight line.
Randi @griefandgrits mentions that we can post about going out for ice cream and get a ton of likes, but when a post is about anything deep or emotional, society doesn’t know how to react or respond.
When someone had a baby after my husband died, there was a food train for them. But, when my husband died, only a handful of people brought food to my girls and I. People need to remember, it’s hard to do anything after loss and when grief sets in.
How can people better support those who are grieving?
Please be present. Social media is a good thing in so many ways but we also tend to hide behind it. It’s hard to feel connected and I need to feel close to people physically. You might offer prayers but I don’t know if you are truly here for us, unless you show up, offer help or cut my grass. People don’t put actions behind their words. Sit with people in their pain. Invite them out to dinner. Don’t give up on them or forget about them. We need you.
The worst feeling for me is when I can’t fill my kids hearts up when they are grieving and in pain. A good friend sent flowers to me on the anniversary of my husband’s death but no one sent anything to my girls. The girls just want someone to ask them how they are doing and acknowledge their grief.
What has helped?
Social media has become my daily therapy. I would prefer authentic relationships in person but I’m thankful for the different pages I’ve found and it’s been helpful. I’m connected to widows I’ve never met but I feel like I know them so well. I’m trying to move forward and thrive even though people have not been there for my girls and I.
Are there any final thoughts or wisdom you would like to share with our readers today?
I’m still learning. I’ve learned to be more empathetic and to try and give to others as much as I can. When I’m down, I try to focus on how I can help someone else. It’s difficult to do when there’s a thick cloud of grief hanging over my head and depression sets in.
Do something to lift your spirits and do nice things for yourself. I just got my hair done. It felt good but it was also bittersweet because Todd used to love when I would get my hair done.
Don’t be afraid to show your emotions and voice your true feelings. Stand up for yourself and be selfish for your children, yourself and others in need.
If you could have one more day with Todd, what would you say or what would you do with him?
I would spend the day making his favorite meal and just sitting with him and taking in all of the senses of my husband. I would taste his kisses, really feel his hugs and just fall into his embrace while breathing in his scent. I would look into his beautiful hazel eyes and gaze at his wonderful smile, as I hear him say my name once more and listen as he tells me he loves me. And, I would tell him what a wonderful husband and father he is and how thankful I am that he picked me and loved me at my worst, while never giving up on me. And then, I would fall asleep in his arms, hoping to wake up to all of this being a horrific nightmare.
What resources have helped you?
Social media has been an outlet for me to reach out to and especially with other widows who know this deep pain. Michele’s Instagram Account posts @micheledeville always speak to me and help me realize I’m not alone with my thoughts and feelings.
I love spending time with my daughters and anything we can do together to take our minds off of this nightmare helps to buffer our pain. My girls are often my emotional life raft.
If you want to reach out to Melissa or learn more about her story check out her Instagram account, @the_breathing_widow.