Meet Terry
Terry shares about the heartbreaking loss of his husband Duane after an ATV accident on Father’s Day and how it changed his life forever.
Hello Terry. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Why do you want to share your grief story with all of us today?
I’m sharing my story because like so many of us who are grieving, we need to talk about it, and we need to listen to others who are grieving right along with us. You, and I are not alone.
My grief story began on June 21st, 2020 at 8:30pm. Just as there are chapters in every story, life has its own chapters. Here’s mine….I title my story – “The Dance”
Tell us about yourself, your love story and what happened the day Duane died?
My husband, Duane, and I met in 2002 He has three children and as of today 20 grandchildren. I never had kids, but I think of his kids as my own and certainly the grandchildren since I’ve known them since birth. Duane and I share the same age; I’m currently 59. When we met he was just coming to terms with his sexuality, and I had known I was gay since I was 18. He had to come out to his family, not only announcing himself but introducing me as well. Raised in a small town German Catholic family he thought the worse. Fortunately, the best happened and his kids, parents, and extended family welcomed the news and loved him, and me, for who we are. Family has been everything to both of us. We began our journey together, and we danced for 19 years. I can honestly say that our relationship was perfect. We were best friends, soulmates, and we loved each other every single day and told each other so.
We lived in a nice home in Eden Prairie, MN. Summers were busy hosting family weekends at our pool, entertaining and life was good. In March of 2020 we were contemplating retirement and what that would look like. We both still had a few years yet to work, but we loved the thought of living in northern Minnesota where I grew up and where my family still lives (mom, brother, sister and nieces and nephews). It is also close to his two boys and their families. We stumbled across a perfect year round lake home and made the decision to purchase it. Until we could fully retire we would use it on weekends and vacation time. We closed on it on May 26th, 2020. On the drive from the title company to the lake I asked Duane, “what is the first thing you want to do when we get there”. He said, “I want to go out on the dock and see and hear the loons”. Amazingly, that’s exactly what happened. Duane wrote on his Facebook page that night, “I’m so excited for our next chapter in our lives”, and he posted a beautiful sunset photo.
The next three weekends “up north” we were so happy. Duane immediately started building a custom murphy bed for our second bedroom which would double as an office. We had family over, fun on the lake, pontoon rides, and nights with the windows open listening to the loons. Everything was perfect, and we were so happy.
Our third weekend at the lake was Father’s Day weekend. Another weekend of family and friends over. Sunday, Father’s Day (June 21st), my mom took us out to dinner to celebrate along with some of my family. We returned around 7:30 and started to get packed up to drive back to Eden Prairie. I brought some things out of the house to load up and I didn’t see Duane. A minute later he came around the garage on our four wheeler and he parked it in the garage. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. He didn’t get off and walk to me. I ran over there and saw that something was wrong. He couldn’t talk and tell me what happened, but something did. I helped him off the four wheeler and helped him walk to the deck on to a chair. I called 911. He was breathing, but struggling, and moaning but unable to speak. After 30 minutes waiting for the ambulance it finally showed up. An EMT said they would take him to the local airport and he’d be met by a helicopter to take him to the hospital. Due to COVID I was unable to go along and all I could do was to call in an hour to check his status. Sadly, there was no hour. Within 20 minutes the sheriff arrived and told me, “he didn’t make it”. By that time, my mom and other family members had already showed up. I was in disbelief and denial, how could it be?!
I remember walking out of the house onto the deck facing the lake and breaking down, crying. Crying was something I never did, but how could I not. That instant my entire life would change. I had the daunting task to call and notify his oldest son; one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. That night some of my family wanted to spend the night with me, but I insisted they go home and let me be alone. It was the worst night of my life, but I needed to grieve, scream and cry on my own.
The morning after family came over and his kids and grandkids started to arrive. Still in disbelief, but certain things needed to start happening, so adrenaline kicked in and I seemed more focused on consoling others than myself. I had to work with a funeral home who would take Duane to the cities for an autopsy since the cause of death was unknown. Nobody really knew what happened except after looking at the four wheeler and noticing the handlebars were bent and the assumption was that he rolled it somehow. (The autopsy later revealed that he died from a severed spleen, broken ribs and bled to death.)
Because of COVID I couldn’t have a proper memorial/funeral. And, what was ironic was that just in April while driving up to meet with the home inspector I took out a notepad in the car and we talked about “what if” one of us or both of us were to die. We talked about our wishes as I wrote them down. So, I knew what he wanted and I was all in in honoring those wishes. I had a viewing for him with immediate family and a graveside small service with family. I have always been shy and not a public speaker at all, but I surely found strength to talk about the love of my life and what he meant to me. I took his kids to pick out gravestone. Duane wanted to be cremated, but he also wanted to be buried in the cemetery up north next to where I’d be and where my dad and other family members are. I have to say that everything went true to what he wanted and would have been proud of regarding his wishes and honoring him...no regrets.
The few weeks after his death were busy dealing with legal stuff and decisions I needed to make. Was I grieving, of course. Was I overwhelmed, of course. But, I had so much to do. I couldn’t keep both, the home in Eden Prairie and the lake home, so I made a decision quickly to sell Eden Prairie. Duane’s heart was already up north and I didn’t hesitate to make that decision. It was quite the chore to sell a four bedroom home and all the furnishings, etc. All the while, I was still working my full time job and trying to handle the shock and reality of being on my own. Even now, after more than two years, that reality is still hard to accept. I didn’t like this new chapter, and I certainly didn’t ask for it or deserve it.
Why do you call your grief story “The Dance”?
Well, it’s pretty remarkable how it came about. My faith is low at best, but I have come to believe in signs and timing. A couple weeks after Duane’s death I was making the bed in the morning and I heard “The Dance” in my head. I thought, what is The Dance? I didn’t know. So, I grabbed my phone and googled it. It’s a Garth Brooks song, and it then it made sense because Duane loved Garth Brooks. I listed to the song, I cried, and I listened to it about 50 times until I stopped crying and realized the message he was sending me. He wanted me to focus on “the dance”, the beautiful 19 years we had together. And, although I am grieving, had I known he would leave me like this and the pain I would have to go through, I wouldn’t have changed a thing because for a moment (19 years) all the world was right and we shared “the dance”. That song alone has been one of the most helpful in dealing with my grief.
What are some things that helped you in your grief journey?
I’m a Hallmark Movie avid watcher, especially the Christmas movies. They play Christmas movies in July, so while watching a movie a month after he passed, I relate to a quote from a movie that has helped me. “Love is about timing, and timing is everything in love and loss”. I relate to the timing of making notes about death, and the timing of purchasing the lake home close to family. I realize this is where I need to be, with family, surrounded by love, peace and beauty.
What are some of the hardest things you have faced after losing Duane?
One of the hardest things to this day is to look at pictures. I have pictures of us throughout this house, but I still can’t focus on his picture without looking away. Maybe it’s my subconscious that doesn’t want to accept he’s not here or coming back? And, the loneliness is hard. Doing most everything by myself and sometimes feeling angry that he’s not here to help.
What have you learned these past two years?
What have I learned? Grief is a never ending journey. Time goes by fast, but grieving doesn’t end or go away. Triggers pop up at any given moment. I’ve learned that I am most important and I control my grief journey. I’ve learned how important it is to be kind and caring towards others who may be going through a similar journey.
Any other thoughts or insights you would like to share with those who are grieving?
Other than what I wrote already, my family and friends and anyone who will listen has helped me. Finding people who will sit with you and truly be there for you is so important. But, the most help I’ve received is from Michele DeVille. Not only is she a grief expert and coach, she’s my dear friend who I love and cherish. I can’t imagine how I’d go through this without her. I encourage anyone who is feeling lost and consumed by grief to share your feelings and YOUR story. It helps me so much to talk about mine and to share and have someone really listen to me...even after 2+ years.
Grief is hard – even two years later. Have you found anything that brings you happiness and joy?
Joy? Yes!, there is joy that exists with grief. I have joy whenever I see or hear a loon on the lake. I have joy in knowing I’m not alone in this, talking with others. I have joy in reflection and remembering. I have joy when I see Duane’s flip flops outside by the door, just how they were the day he died. I have joy and pride when I show people the murphy bed that he built. (He did finish it by the way, the afternoon before he died) I have joy in being thankful for the dance. Mostly, I have joy for family and having me carry on Duane’s legacy to our grandchildren, some who will not know him or remember him...but they should.
If you knew you could call Duane on the phone or spend one more hour with him, what would you do and say?
If I had one more day with Duane what would I tell him or want to do? It’s simple – just hold each other with the windows open and listen to the loons. There’s really nothing more that could be said, we said all we needed to when he was alive, but to feel his touch again – that would be all I want.
If anyone would like to connect with Terry – please find his information below.
Thank you for listening to “my story”. I know we all have them, and they are all unique to our own self. I’m happy to listen to yours and talk if you’d like. You can reach out through facebook messenger and find me under Terry Likens.