The holidays are officially here. Tomorrow will mark my 58th Christmas on this earth and today I found myself in tears. Don’t get me wrong. I love the holidays and there are so many things that bring me joy.

This holiday season started out like any other. I spent the last few weeks and many hours shopping and wrapping gifts. Decorating the house and tree. Writing out Christmas cards and most importantly I felt the anticipation and excitement of spending time with all of our kids. This year is extra special with our first grandchild’s first Christmas and I honestly found myself counting the days until Christmas Eve.

But - life has a way of stepping in and changing plans in ways that bring disappointment and most of the time things happen that are out of our control.

The gift of Covid once again found its way into our home this week and suddenly, my “twas the night before Christmas and all through the house” was rudely snatched away. Christmas plans had to be cancelled and sadly, we will not be getting together with our family this weekend.

We are ALL heartbroken and I would be lying if I said I was fine. I’m not fine and I am grieving the loss of spending time with our children and grandchild on Christmas. I’m not looking forward to an empty house.

My first reaction was denial and I couldn’t even think about it. But every time I walk downstairs and pass the Christmas tree and beautifully wrapped gifts my heart hurts and a sadness washes over me.

Yes, I have tried to find the positive in it all. To feel grateful for all that we have. I have played the comparison game in my mind and reminded myself that we are lucky and things could be so much worse. And they absolutely could. God knows there are people everywhere grieving the loss of a loved one or so many other heartbreaking things. Loss and grief are everywhere.

Things could be worse and that does not escape my heart. With that being said, I have learned we should never minimize our own losses, grief and pain. Regardless of the reason for it. Grief is NOT a competition and should never be compared. We ALL experience loss and we will ALL grieve.

And right now I am grieving. I was stoic and then I wasn’t. I was fine and then I wasn’t. I cried in my car today. Hard. I’m sad and I can’t wrap my head around spending this holiday without our family here this year.

Sadly, we are not alone. There are so many families who are experiencing the same thing this year. People are grieving all over the world. Missing loved ones. Anticipating the loss of a loved one. Illnesses, injuries and hospitalizations continue to leave their undeniable mark. Families are apart. Others will spend the holidays alone. Grief is not prejudice and we as human beings will grieve many things this holiday season and beyond. Grief isn’t choosy about when it decides to show up.

SO, on the Eve of Christmas Eve, I’m writing with vulnerability and an open heart because I know there are so many people struggling this holiday season. Grief is hard to navigate at any time but it can be exceptionally challenging during the holidays. Things that normally bring joy can lead to painful reminders and feel extra heavy this time of year.

My heart truly goes out to anyone who is struggling, alone, grieving or in pain this holiday season. I wish I had a magical solution and could say the right words but grief is not something to hide away or fix. Grief is something to move through and feel. Whether it makes others uncomfortable or not.

One of the most common reactions to grief is to suck it up and move on. To be okay even when you are not. People often worry about being judged for their grief or for feeling bad so they hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist. It just feels easier that way. We don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable or to be a burden at all.

That’s how I felt today. I didn’t want anyone to know I am heartbroken and sad. I didn’t want to be a downer during the most “wonderful” time of the year and I certainly didn’t want to make a big deal out of my sadness when I know it could be worse.

But herein lies the problem when it comes to feeling, pain and grief. People do that way too often. Somehow people feel guilty for feeling bad.

This narrative helps no one. David Kessler states that the worst grief is your grief. I want you to remember that you are allowed to feel all that you need to feel and you are allowed to grieve. Grief is a normal, natural and necessary part of the human experience.

On a positive note, it is possible to let the light in even when everything feels so dark. There is possibility in the midst of grief and sometimes the possibilities are good. You can experience joy and pain at the same time. Grief and peace can exist in the same space. The human heart has an incredible capacity to hold it all and while it is hard, the human spirit can learn to carry the tough stuff forward. To grow around what hurts.

If you are grieving this holiday season, I am so sorry. It is my hope that you can find slices of joy, peace and hope in the midst of your grief. To laugh and cry if that feels right for you. Even if it is for the smallest of moments in the days ahead.

Grief can feel incredibly lonely but there is a bit of comfort in the knowing that you are not alone. There are so many people in the world who are grieving and experiencing some of the very same things you are. It is true that everyone grieves in their own unique ways and every loss is different, but there is still a bond that exists in the realm of grief amongst all of us. There is healing in connection.

I am grieving and I am incredibly sad. Quite honestly, I am avoiding watching Christmas movies and television commercials tonight because I feel vulnerable and on the brink of tears. I’m not sure how we will get through the next couple days but I know we will. Like so many things in life, what choice do we have?

Another holiday will come and go and hopefully we will be able to find another day to get together with our kids and grandchild. And until that happens, the gifts will stay safely tucked away underneath our tree.

Everyone grieves in their own special way and I must say that for me, buying a box of Lucky Charms was a start. A big bowl of Lucky Charms somehow made me feel better in the moment. Perhaps I will eat the entire box tomorrow and even in the middle of grief, they really are magically delicious.

Sending love to you this holiday season. YOUR grief matters. Always.

Michele