Is Grief On Your Holiday Guest List?

I don’t have to tell you that the holidays are upon us. The countdown has begun and there are signs of another holiday season at every turn.

Blinking lights, decorated trees, cookies, shopping for gifts, wrapping, holiday parties and hallmark movies are hard to ignore whether one is feeling the magic of the holidays or not. Like any other year, the undeniable stamp of the season is everywhere.

BUT SO IS GRIEF.

And if we are being honest with each other, the holidays can feel extra overwhelming and hard when grief is hanging around. It can be a challenge to hold space for the holidays and grief at the same time and especially if family and friends are uncomfortable with grief.

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

We live in a society that is uncomfortable with grief. People don’t know what to do or say so they say and do nothing at all. Grief is often the white elephant in the room. It is a taboo subject and swept under the rug with the hope nobody will notice it’s there at all.

But here’s the thing. People who are grieving cannot outrun their grief. It is impossible to hide it forever or ignore it for too long. And as uncomfortable as it might feel, grievers shouldn’t feel like they need to suck it up and move on just to make everyone else feel comfortable whether it is holiday season or any other time of the year.

It is human to want to fix our loved ones pain. To want them to find peace and joy in the holiday season. To immerse themselves into the magic of the season and how amazing would it be if they could just go back to who they were. Before the loss.

But, that isn’t how grief works. Grief has a mind of its own and it will show up at the most inconvenient of times demanding to be felt, seen and heard.

It is not up to the griever to make others feel comfortable. It is not their job to worry or guide others while they try to navigate the holidays in the midst of their grief.

I get it. I know it can be challenging when it comes to loving and supporting someone who is grieving during the holidays so here are a few thoughts to keep in mind:

Don’t invite someone with any expectations. Take the pressure off of yourself and know that it is not your job to fix their grief or cheer them up. Don’t force them to sing, play games, open gifts or do anything at all. Let them find their own pace and just be in the moment in whatever feels right to them.

Do invite someone with empathy and love. You can be a friend and companion without trying too hard. Hold space for ALL of their feelings and surround them with unconditional support and care during the holidays.

How do you do this?

Be honest. Talk with them ahead of time. Let them know that you know the holidays can be hard and that you know they are hurting. Honor their grief and acknowledge it versus pretending it doesn’t exist. Let them know that their grief is welcome too and you will meet them right where they are. Nothing less and nothing more.

The reality of grief is that it can come in waves and change from one moment to the next. It is important to be aware of that when it comes to your grieving guests. People who are grieving don’t always know what they want or if the day will be manageable or not. Be flexible and remember that someone who is grieving may need to arrive late, leave early or not come at all. That’s okay and they need to know that it is OKAY.

A grieving family member or friend just needs to know you care. Don’t waste your time trying to keep them busy with the hope they will forget their grief. I can promise you they won’t.

Emotions can be a tangled mess during the holiday season and one of the most loving things you can do is leave the tangled mess alone. Don’t try to untangle it for them. If they feel like laughing, laugh with them. If someone needs to cry, be empathetic and give them a hug. Check in and ask if they would like you to sit with them or if they prefer to be alone. If they need a safe space to rest and chill for a bit, find them one. And a cozy blanket can’t hurt…

All human beings will grieve and all human beings will support those who are grieving. It truly IS one of the most vast, sacred and universal experiences we will all face.

In the end, trying to wear armor and protect each other from grief doesn’t help. On the contrary, it is through embracing grief and honoring it that we find pathways to come together in the holiday season. Grief and the holidays can exist alongside one another.

We are all in this together and whether you had plans to include grief on your guest list or not, it will show up with your grieving family and friends.

Sending love during the holiday season. Grief matters.

Michele