The Art Of Hiding Grief When Society Believes It Doesn’t Count

Grief. Is universal and it is one of the things that everyone will experience at some point in life. Simply put, we will ALL face loss and we will ALL grieve.

So why are so many losses hidden away. Ignored and sadly, accompanied by grief that is not acknowledged or talked about.

We live in a world that is uncomfortable with grief and pain yet the world we try so hard to survive in tends to create so much pain. Talk about complicated.

Life is complicated and so is grief. It is messy and hard to navigate from one day to the next regardless of the loss. But it can feel even harder to carry when a loss goes unvalidated, is judged or is not acknowledged by society or our loved ones we lean on for support.

Disenfranchised losses are those losses that are not acknowledged and it can lead people to feel like they can’t openly grieve. It is when we don’t talk about our losses and grief that the healing process is often delayed. This helps no one.

Have you ever faced a loss that led you to feel judged, misunderstood or invalidated in your feelings and grief? Have you ever felt like you had to hide your grief or pretend all was fine when nothing was fine following a loss?

If you have, my heart goes out to you. That sucks and I know how much that hurts.

When my first husband was killed in a horrible boating accident several years ago, I felt like I could not grieve. And if I did, I felt guilty about it. Scott and I had divorced and so technically he was my ex-husband at the time of his death.

To make it more complicated, I was remarried just one month before he died. I had a new husband and new family to think about and I felt judged for grieving an EX at all.

But here’s the thing. Just because someone is an ex doesn’t mean you stop loving them or caring about them. In fact, we had remained quite close and most importantly, we shared two young daughters.

Yes I was divorced and yes I was remarried but I felt like my world turned upside down. My heart was ripped open and I felt like I lost my husband. And the father of my kids. It was an awful time on so many levels.

I walked around in a fog for months while trying to comfort my girls, tend to my new marriage, get back to work and handle all of the business tasks that must be handled when someone passes away. I hid my grief. Stuffed it. Felt like I could not talk about it and I was alone.

It was a long time ago but I am sharing it with you now because I understand how hard it can be to grieve and heal when it feels like it is unacceptable to grieve. And if you are feeling this way at all, I’m sorry.

Talk about a big elephant in the room.

There are many losses that can fall into the category of disenfranchised grief. Addiction, suicide, miscarriage and divorce are a few examples that can lead to delayed healing and hidden grief due to a lack of support, validation and acknowledgement.

If you are struggling with feeling unsupported or like your grief is not heard or seen it is important for you to remember a few things.

Your grief belongs to you and only you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and your grief matters. The only person that can determine if a loss is significant is YOU.

It is not up to anyone else to decide if a person should mourn or grieve. Regardless of the loss.

ALL Loss matters and ALL grief matters. If your world turned upside down and you are in pain, you get to honor the loss and honor your grief. Whether society agrees with it or not. It is your journey and you get to feel all that you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it.

Some losses will become a part of who you are and you will carry those losses with you for the rest of your life. It is SO important that we, as human beings, allow ourselves and others to feel the pain as it comes and to grieve. To listen with compassion and without judgement.

If you are hiding your grief, I encourage you to find a tribe who will support you and sit with you in your pain. Talk about your grief. Create space for it. Share your feelings.

Your grief matters and one of the reasons I launched this site was to create a space for you to feel supported and heard. Reach out anytime. I would love to hear from you.

With Love,

Michele