When Gratitude Is Hard To Find During the Holidays
It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is here. And once again I find myself wondering how this past year slipped by in such a blur.
Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays but I would be lying if I said Thanksgiving was always a joyous day filled with gratitude. Like most people, there have been Thanksgivings that felt heavy with grief and the pain of loss and in those moments it was difficult to find much gratitude at all.
Can you relate? Have you found yourself walking through the holidays in a fog? Wondering how you were going to get through it or feeling the pressure to pretend you are fine when you are not.
For anyone who has lost a loved one Thanksgiving can be tough.
My favorite memories of Thanksgiving take me back to a simpler time in life. A time when our family would pack up the cars and head to my grandparents cabin in Northern Wisconsin every year.
The cabin was rustic at best lit by oil burning lamps, warmed by fire and if we wanted water, it meant a trip down the hill with a bucket to pump cold fresh water from the well.
The small cabin held a big lumberjack table and an old cast iron stove that served the best Thanksgiving dinners one could imagine or ask for. It was simply the best and as a kid, I thought I would be helping my grandma stuff the turkey at the cabin and enjoying Thanksgiving there forever.
But that is not how life works. Seasons change and when my dear Grandpa Pete passed away nothing was the same. Sure we tried to go to the cabin for Thanksgiving one more time but Thanksgiving had changed.
We all missed him terribly and somehow the space he had filled within all of our hearts felt empty and left a very big hole. Of course life went on like it always does but the holidays were different and to make it worse, the cabin that held so many memories was sold.
If I am honest, it was very tough to find gratitude in those first couple of years. Looking back there were things to be grateful for but I had a hard time finding them in the mess of my grief. For awhile.
My focus was on what was gone versus what I still had and that is common when people lose someone they love.
Over the years I have learned that gratitude can be helpful during the grieving process. Finding things to be grateful for on Thanksgiving and on any difficult day during the year can help to bring meaning back to the present. Gratitude can shift perspective and open space in our broken hearts to let just a little bit of light back in.
Easy to do? No, but it’s possible.
Gratitude is tricky because in the early days of grief it is common to push back against feeling grateful. It is human to feel defiant and angry against gratitude and understandably so.
It is normal to struggle with finding things to be grateful for when your entire world just exploded and turned upside down. How the hell does one feel grateful when the only thing you want is for your loved one to walk through the door.
How do you find gratitude when you are drowning in grief and struggling just to breathe?
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there are no guides to navigate the un-chartered waters of grief. Especially in the early days following a significant loss.
Your grief is personal to you and you need to grieve in whatever way feels right from one moment to the next and that includes holidays. As wonderful as holidays can be, they often hold memories of a different time. A time before the loss.
Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that seems to represent feeling thankful and finding gratitude for all that we have. To gather with loved ones. Make a difference in the world. Give and share. And while all of those things are beautiful and warm and fuzzy it is not always realistic when grief decides to show up.
If you are struggling to feel grateful this Thanksgiving it’s okay. Take the pressure off and find your way through the holiday in whatever way works for you.
With that being said, I would be remiss if I didn’t touch on the importance of gratitude. When you are ready, gratitude and grief can exist in the same space. You can grieve and find things to be grateful for at the same time. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
I have found that finding things to be grateful for whether it is on Thanksgiving or any other day of the year can make a difference in how I am feeling. It can soften my grief or when I am having a really bad day.
Finding things to be grateful for doesn’t have to be a big event but rather can be the simplest of rituals during the day. It can be as simple as waking up each morning and writing down one or two things you are grateful for.
And sometimes the smallest of things bring the most gratitude when things feel hopeless and hard. A hot shower. Warm cozy socks. Spending time with family and loved ones. Good comfort food. Your dog. Having lunch with a friend. A breath of fresh air. Memories of times spent with your loved ones.
I can’t tell you how to integrate gratitude into your grief journey or what to feel grateful for. It is your journey and you are the only one that can find the things that bring you meaning and gratitude in the middle of this difficult season in life. But I do hope you can find light in the darkness and remember that you are not alone.
Thanksgiving like most holidays can be tough when grieving. If you are struggling this year, I’m grateful for you and sending so much love your way. Your grief matters on Thanksgiving and every other day of the year.
With Love,
Michele