Show Up Even If You Don’t Know What To Say

I know my friend is grieving but I don’t know what to do or say.

Have you ever felt that way? Wanted to help but didn’t know how? You my friend are not alone.

This happens in grief ALL the time. And it is hard to stand on the sidelines of grief.

It can feel awkward and at times it can feel like you have landed in another country without a guide trying to speak in a foreign language. Feeling lost and perhaps unwelcome it feels easier to slip away and disappear.

If you are like most people, the intentions are good. Most people want to help and certainly care but finding the right words when another is grieving and in pain can be a struggle. People don’t know what to do or say and therefore they choose to say and do nothing at all.

I get it. But - saying and doing nothing at all doesn’t help. In fact it hurts the person you care about when you stop showing up. Yes it’s hard to know how to help but here’s the thing: your friends and family need you.

Grief sucks. It is brutal following a significant loss and grief is one of the loneliest journeys people will walk.

Grief is universal and we will ALL grieve. We will also be on the sidelines trying to help and support someone we love. There is no avoiding it.

There have been times in my grief journey when I felt alone and unsupported. The people I needed the most were not there for me and it hurt. With that being said, I too struggled at times in life on what to do or say when trying to help others and I have learned a lot in recent years and because of my own losses. I wanted to share a few thoughts with you.

Avoid saying “How Are You Doing”

One of the most common and natural things to say to someone who is in pain or grieving is, “how are you doing”. It is a way to show that you care and if you think about it, we all use this phrase often.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not a bad thing to say and kudos to you for asking.

However, it can be hard for your grieving friend to answer your question. It may seem like an innocent question and in certain situations it is. But when someone is actively grieving, it can stir up the pain.

Most likely, your friend knows you mean well but they may not have the emotional energy to answer with honesty. It may feel overwhelming and too difficult to share - much of anything.

The result? An overused four letter word. I’m FINE. Even when they are not.

In grief and especially when grief is fresh and raw, emotions are everywhere and a tangled mess. A person may feel okay one minute but burst into tears the next. It is an unstable environment at best and there will be days when your friend does not know how they are doing yet alone try to explain anything at all.

There will be times when a grieving person wants and needs to tell you all about it. They will need to share and tell you exactly how they are doing but it needs to be when they are ready and when the timing and location support the deep intimacy grief demands when two people connect and share. It can’t be in the middle of a crowded party or passing each other on the street in the middle of the afternoon.

So what do you say to your friend who desperately needs you to show up and be there for them?

Don’t ask what can feel like demanding questions. Don’t ask a question at all. Keep it simple. Here are a few ideas:

I love you.

I’m here for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I have no words but I’m here.

And if you truly don’t know what to say, start with a hug. It is okay to just sit with a person too and while silence can be uncomfortable, there is also a calming presence that can come with silence in the moment.

Remember, most people who are grieving will eventually need and want to talk about their loss. Keep showing up and be there when they do.

Supporting a grieving friend is not easy but it is so important. I can promise you it will make a difference every time you show up.

It does not have to be a grand gesture. It can be as simple as a text, phone call or sending a card. Reach out. Drop off food. Send flowers. Help out with chores or tasks. Share a hug. Say I love you and don’t judge.

And - do not disappear. Keep showing up and not just in the first week or two. Your friend needs YOU.

Love is powerful and love is what carries every one of us through the most difficult of times.

Grief is a battlefield and one that takes great courage to walk onto but it is a battle that everyone will fight. Be there for those you love and care about. There will come a time when you will need your friends to show up for you.

With Love,

Michele