You Don’t Have To

Photo Credit: @kellysikkema

It is the holiday season and there is always so much to do. There are trees to decorate, gifts to buy and wrap, holiday parties to attend, cookies to bake, and cards to write out and send. I can feel my anxiety rise just writing about it. The holiday season is busy and stressful when life is good yet alone when life is turned inside out from loss and grief.

A fellow griever recently told me she was exhausted and overwhelmed. She was struggling to find any sense of joy this holiday season and she didn’t want to shop, wrap, bake, decorate, or go to any of the many parties she had been invited to. And she didn’t want to send holiday cards this year. My answer: you don’t have to.

A heartbreaking loss changes so many things in life and in the early days, weeks, months, and even in that first year or two, the holidays can be really hard. Memories from holidays past lay heavily on ones heart and the holidays often stir up grief in the biggest of ways. The holidays often remind people of all that has changed and all that is missing during the season of what is supposed to be filled with holiday cheer.

And to make it worse, we live in a world that expects so much during the holidays. It’s difficult to escape the holiday craze that seems to be “in your face” at every turn. There IS so much to do and it IS an exhausting time of year. But when you are already worn out, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, lost, confused, angry, or any other emotions that have become part of your life after loss, the holidays can feel like a time of year that’s impossible to survive.

It’s challenging to find the energy required to tackle the to do lists during the holidays and honestly, when grieving, things you once loved to do may be the last thing on your mind.

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to do it all this year.

You don’t have to write out holiday cards.

You don’t have to put up a tree or decorate the house.

You don’t have to bake dozens of cookies.

You don’t have to buy as many gifts or wrap each and every one.

You don’t have to attend every holiday gathering you are invited to.

You don’t to keep every holiday tradition from years past intact.

You don’t have to.

Now as I write this I' know all too well that everyone’s situation is different. I know that there are some things that are hard to ignore and push aside. For example, if you have kids you may need to buy and wrap a few gifts. You may feel like it’s important to decorate the house and a tree. Perhaps you need to go to a holiday program or it’s important to honor some of your family traditions regardless of grief.

There are sometimes things you have to do and I know that can be extra stressful.

But it’s also important to honor your grieving heart. To practice good self-care. It’s necessary to try and get extra rest. Nourish your body and drink plenty of water. It’s okay to set boundaries and say no. You can cancel plans or change your mind. And, you can let some things go this year.

Perhaps it’s finding a compromise that feels right for you. Do the things you feel like you NEED to do and let the rest go. Perhaps you buy less gifts. Instead of wrapping every gift, you use gift bags this year. Instead of baking cookies you buy beautifully decorated cookies. Perhaps you stay home and skip the holiday party or if you go, leave early. Maybe you keep some traditions but start a few new ones. Instead of hosting the holiday dinner, order in or take your family on a trip somewhere. And if you don’t have to please anyone else, perhaps you wrap up in a cozy blanket, sip hot tea and immerse yourself Hallmark movies for the night.

Whatever you are struggling with, know it’s okay to feel all that you feel and it’s okay to dial back. It’s okay to grieve and if you’re not feeling the joy of the season, there’s nothing wrong with you. And if you can’t do it all, it’s not a failure on your part nor are you weak. YOU ARE GRIEVING.

The holidays are hard when grief shows up at your door and honestly, the holidays can be hard even if it’s been a few years.

I always tell grievers, when you can, you will. This year may be the year that you just can’t do some of the things you used to do. But maybe next year will look different and you will find the energy to decorate and send a holiday card.

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do it all. Give yourself grace and be kind to your grieving heart. It’s normal to struggle during the holidays.

You’re doing the best you can during what can be one of the most difficult seasons of your life and whether it is the holidays or not, doing your best is sometimes enough.

Sending you lots of hugs and whether you can see light at the end of the tunnel or not, don’t give up hope. Grief will soften and with time, joy, peace, and embracing the holidays can return.

With love -

Michele