I Don’t Want To Remember but I Don’t Want To Forget
Photo credit: @peter_tbid
One of my best friends died almost 44 years ago and there are days when it feels like the tragedy that unfolded that Friday night happened just yesterday. I don’t want to think about it or remember, yet every detail is imprinted in my heart and the truth is, I don’t want to forget.
It is too big and losing David, like so many other devastating losses over the years, is part of who I am today and while the grief I carry is much quieter, I don’t want to forget about him, what happened, or the heartbreak from all those years ago.
A devastating loss changes so many things and if that loss is big enough, it will change who you are.
How can it not?
Looking back, I didn’t realize how much my life would change and I certainly didn’t understand the pain of grief. I didn’t know what to do with all of my big emotions and I felt incredibly alone and lost.
Honestly, I went to a dark place for quite some time, and there were little to no resources back then. I didn’t think I would survive and at the tender age of 17, there were days I didn’t want to.
But I did, and eventually, David’s death would play a role in leading me to do this work.
The memories of his death are still painful at times and while I’m no longer consumed with grief, I sometimes find myself pushing those memories away. I don’t want to remember that time of my life, but I also cling to it and don’t want to ever forget.
Some people will say, “why do you hang on to those memories at all and why would you want to dwell on something that’s so painful for you?”
My only answer is that the grief I carry “still to this day” is proof of how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. And as hard as it was and sometimes is, the grief and the memories are a reflection of how amazing he was and that he made a difference in my life.
I learned a long time ago that if we are going to be vulnerable enough to love another, there will be heartache and pain. I learned that there are no promises in life and tomorrow is promised to no one.
I learned far too young that nothing lasts forever (except for the gift of loving certain people) and as painful as it was, I decided that love is worth it even if it means you might experience losing someone and carrying grief for the rest of your life.
A painful and traumatic experience is complicated. It hurts too much to think about it and of course it would be easier if that part of one’s story could magically be erased from the mind and heart. But if the loss is significant and if someone mattered that much to you, it’s impossible to forget about it and most people don’t want to completely erase that part of their life or wash the memories away.
In some ways, it is a way to stay connected to them. To keep their memory alive even if it’s painful and cuts deep.
Even now, I sometimes need to talk about what happened. I need to share every detail and to share my story with someone. It might be someone who knows the story well or it might be a stranger who has never heard it before.
Regardless of how much time has gone by or who I might be talking to, it’s part of my grief experience and for me, it’s healing to share my story, say his name and talk about him. I don’t care that it was 44 years ago. He died much too young and still to this day, a song, a picture, or going back to my hometown can stir my grief up while bringing up the most wonderful of memories that are tucked safely away in my heart.
The people we love and lose matter. They mattered then and they matter now. Why would it ever be wrong to talk about them - even though it hurts.
If someone you love died and you find yourself pushing the tough memories away while wanting to remember at the same time, let those memories come. You don’t have to forget and even if you wanted to, you won’t forget what happened and you won’t forget them.
Time has a way of softening the grief and for some that can feel stressful. People often feel that if there grief is softening, they will forget. But learning to navigate your grief and moving forward in life doesn’t mean you are forgetting anyone or anything. It doesn’t mean you are completely moving on from them nor does it mean you no longer grieve or care.
It simply means you have learned to carry your grief with grace and you have made the choice to live and grow around the loss. It means you have learned to better navigate your grief and perhaps it means you can now focus on the love more than the pain.
There will always be those things that happen in life that you don’t want to remember but you don’t want to forgot. It can be a delicate balance depending on the day and sometimes it’s important to take a step back, find a good distraction when it feels too heavy, and find respite from your grief.
It took me a long time but I did learn to find that balance. I didn’t want to stay stuck in the pain or let the loss of someone who was so full of life, completely destroy mine. I didn’t want anyone else telling me that “he wouldn’t want me to be sad” but with time, I knew that was true. I knew he would want me to remember him while moving forward and living the best life I could live - for the both of us. And that’s what I tried to do.
It’s never an easy road to walk and grieving for someone you love is damn hard. But I have learned with each and every loss, that it’s possible to get through it and to find joy, hope, and peace inside of the pain.
And so can you.
Always sending love -
Michele