Things I Wish I Knew While My Mom Was Still Here

I miss my mom. And while I know far too many people who have lost their mothers over the years, I didn’t completely understand just how deep the pain of losing a mother runs - until now. Like so many things in life, I didn’t get it until I experienced losing my own mom.

There are times I feel like a motherless daughter but in my heart I know that I will always be her daughter and she will always be my mom. No amount of time can change that or ever erase the love we shared. And especially the love for someone that I knew my whole damn life.

My life looks very different without my mom in it. Part of my foundation is - just - gone. I often feel like I’m standing on shaky ground and as I continue to find my footing in this new and vulnerable world, it often feels like the ground could open up beneath me at any moment and swallow me whole.

There are so many things I wish I knew while my mom was still alive. Things that I would have done differently as I carry the weight of regret on my weary shoulders and fight to move forward in the world - without my mother in it.

She was my rock, a best friend, and my biggest cheerleader over the years. I talked to my mom about everything and the absence of our daily phone calls and visits, watching hallmark movies, sipping on coffee with pumpkin muffins, going to matinee movies, and driving to see the beautiful fall leaves, has left a hole in my life that can’t be filled.

And I can’t help but think about the pain my own mom must have felt after her sweet mom died several years ago. My Grandma Eve was a wonderful woman in so many ways and our family was devastated when she died. But I was so consumed with my own grief, I didn’t stop to think about how heartbroken my mom was at the time. Yes, her mom had died, but Grandma Eve was also my mom’s best friend. In the later years of their lives, they did everything together. They were both widows and their special mother/daughter relationship was also one that had evolved into a touching friendship.

Looking back, I now understand they were both lonely at times. It’s hard to get older and to adapt to all of the change that accompanies life as your children grow up, leave home, get married and sometimes divorce. It’s hard to adapt as your grandchildren that you love so much get busy with friends, school, sports and eventually grow up too. Life changes, and in some ways, life becomes much smaller let alone when your spouses die. It’s easy to feel invisible and my mom and grandma forged a deep friendship during some of life’s most challenging times.

I can only imagine the deep pain, sadness, and grief my mom felt back then. There was a huge void in my mother’s life and yet she never talked about her own grief because she was more worried about her family. I get it. I too do that even now. I don’t always tend to my own grief as I worry about my kids, grandchildren, family and friends.

But I should’ve been there for her more after her mom died. I get that now too. I understand how devastating it is to lose your mom, regardless of time or age.

So many pieces of ones life and who they are disappear when a mother dies. It’s as if pieces of everything you’ve known your entire life are washed away down the mountain of grief in a landslide. And even if you recover some of those pieces, everything is muddy, dull, and gray. It feels like the color has drained right out of your life the moment she takes her last breath and you are forced to say an impossible goodbye.

When my mom died less than two years ago, I lost so many things that day. I lost my mom, the grandmother of my children, and the great grandmother of my grandkids.

I lost my best friend, my support, my biggest fan, and my lifeline.

And as her breathing slowed and the magic drained out of her beautiful brown eyes, I immediately felt homesick as the realization hit me, I couldn’t go “back home” to my mom’s house anymore. There would be no more shelter in the middle of life’s storms and I felt untethered in a sinking boat drifting aimlessly in a sea of grief.

Part of me died that day too. And while I have started to rediscover the pieces of myself that my mom loved the most, I’m still trying to figure out exactly who I am now that my mother is no longer here to experience life by my side.

I miss her so much but it’s deeper than that. I grieve for all of the things she is missing out on. Things she would’ve loved so much. The day my mom had her stroke is a day that is forever imprinted in my mind. She was so happy as she held her newborn granddaughter and fed her a bottle. My mom was beaming with joy and oh how she loved little ones. I hate that my mother is missing out on seeing her grandchildren and great grandchildren grow.

I wish I knew all of this back then. I wish I would’ve better understood the pain of losing a mom long ago. I wish I would’ve recognized the deep grief my mom was carrying after losing her own mom and how much life changes in the biggest and smallest of ways when a mother dies. I wish I would’ve talked to my mom more about her grief over the years. Because she certainly had her own share of losses and life wasn’t always easy for her.

I know she knows how much I love her. I know she knows how much she is missed. I continue to talk to her every day and try to honor her by being the best person I can possibly be. Her legacy lives on through me as I try to be the best parts of who she was and while it’s never enough, I try to feel her presence around me and carry her in my heart.

I’m forever grateful for the friendship my mom and I had. I will never forget her big heart, contagious laugh, generous spirit, kindness, fierce loyalty to her family, or all of the special times we shared. And I will never forget how much she loved me through the good and the bad.

So for anyone out there who is missing a loved one or if you are missing your dear mom, know that I get it and my heart stands with yours. We are all in this together and grief doesn’t make us different from one another but rather bonds us in the deepest and most meaningful of ways.

And if your mom is still here, check in on her once in a while. Pick up the phone, visit often, and tell her how much she is appreciated and loved. Tomorrow isn’t promised so take nothing for granted and make the most of every day. Remember that she too has had loss and grief in her life, and talk to her about her own heartbreak.

I’m here for you and you can share your grief and pain with me anytime. I know the work of grief is exhausting and hard, but you don’t have to do it completely alone.

With love always -

Michele