In Just One Year…

One year ago today we were up north at our cabin welcoming in the new year. It was a relaxing, peaceful weekend and New Years Eve brought so much laughter and I remember feeling so grateful for my family and dear friends. It didn’t cancel out the grief I was carrying in my heart, but I was reminded that grief and joy can co-exist with one another. Little did I know that in just a few short weeks, one of those dear friends would be gone.

Honestly, I’m crying as I write this and I’m struggling to absorb the reality of how much life can change in just one year. One year ago today, we were celebrating with our best friend Tom. He was telling his stories (for the tenth time), smiling with that goofy grin, and we were drinking grape apes welcoming in another year. Together. With no clue of what life had in store for any of us in the new year.

I am still having a difficult time accepting any of this is real. How can that be? How can someone so full of life and love be here one moment and then, without warning, they are just….gone.

Honestly, I am struggling to get in the spirit of New Years Eve this year. It is a reminder of a different time and while it has been a year, the grief I feel as I remember the wonderful time spent together last year, is raw and it hurts like hell today. I want to turn back the clocks and go back to 2024. I want to relive those precious moments with our beloved Tom.

But as far too many of us know, that’s not possible. No amount of wishing, grieving, tears, yearning, or missing will change what happened and we can’t go back in time. We can only hold onto those treasured memories and thank god for all of the amazing times shared with those we love.

I’m writing this today because I will never hide the grief I carry for those I love. I’m writing because I want all of you to remember that whether it is a time of “celebration” or not, your grief matters and you should never have to hide it or pretend you are “fine” when you are hurting and falling apart on the inside.

I’m writing because I know how much losing someone you love and care about hurts. And I know how lonely grief can feel even when you are surrounded by friends and family or standing in a crowded room. I know the missing, the yearning, and how deep the pain of grief can run. And while you may feel alone as 2025 approaches, I hope you know you are not completely alone and your grief is safe with me.

As 2024 comes to an end and I am about to turn the page, I am filled with mixed emotions and yes, my grief is screaming out loud needing to be heard. I feel overwhelmed, sad, a bit empty, regret, and disbelief.

But, I have also walked this road enough times over the years to know it’s possible to move forward after a heartbreaking loss and life can still be good and filled with purpose and so much love. AND it’s okay to feel joy, happiness, excitement, awe, wonder, and gratitude alongside your grief. It’s necessary and needed to experience both grief AND joy. It’s my hope you will get to a place where you can experience both. You deserve that. We all do.

Losing Tom is yet another reminder of just how short life is. It’s a reminder that tomorrow isn’t promised and to appreciate every moment we are given. Take nothing for granted. Hug your loved ones tight. Say I love you every chance you get. Forgive. Be kind. Show up for one another. Focus on what truly matters and let the rest go. Love without hesitation, love others deeply, and love yourself.

It hurts to know I can’t bring Tom back and I feel sadness knowing how many people are missing him today and send love to each and every one of them too. But I am also trying so hard to hold onto the memories and live my life in a way that would honor him. He was one of the best and I try to be some of the best parts of who he was. To keep his legacy front and center and lead with kindness every day.

In just one year so much has changed and life is different now. There will always be a hole in my heart - a hole that can’t be filled without Tom here - living and enjoying life by our sides. And while I won’t pretend that today doesn’t hurt and I won’t hide my grief and tears, I am trying to remember the joy and laughter we shared with Tom, family, and friends, just one year ago.

We chose to stay home this year instead of going to the cabin where the memories of last year are still too raw. But we also chose to invite friends and family over to bring in the new year. While there is a part of me that wants to curl up with my grief in a cozy blanket and have a quiet night alone, I know it’s good to connect and be with loved ones too.

So - I will toast Tom tonight and perhaps with a grape ape. I will honor him and remember how amazing he was and the love he gave to all of us. Love never ends and even as one year comes to an end and another one begins, the love will always remain. And I’m grateful for that.

Cheers dear Tom. I know you will be with us tonight as you fly with the eagles and continue to shine bright amongst the stars. Happy new year dear friend and know you are forever missed and loved.

And to my dear fellow grievers, I’m holding space for you as you grieve for and miss loved ones today. You are loved and cared about today and as we welcome in another new year - together.

With love and compassion -

Michele