When a Day Isn’t Just Another Ordinary Day

Photo credit @hdbernd

There are 365 days in a year and in a perfect world most of them are just ordinary days that come and go. But what about a day that is no long just another day? What about a day that changed everything and instead of it being a “normal” day it becomes a day filled with sadness and grief?

Eventually, everyone will have one of those days. Because everyone will come to know grief.

Until last year, January 18th was just another ordinary day for me. It didn’t hold any particular significance. It was like any other day - until it wasn’t. One phone call would change everything and life would never be quite the same.

One year later the pain of hearing the words “Tom is gone” still ring loudly in my heart and mind and as many of you know, to hear the words that someone you love is forever gone often comes with shock and disbelief.

Like so many other days, January 18th isn’t just another day anymore.

January 18th is the day one of our best friends died. It’s a day that will forever be marked by a loss that has left a huge hole in our hearts and a deep void. It’s a day that brings sadness and tears as so many of us continue to try and adapt to life without Tom here.

January 18th is a day that reminds us that life can change in an instant and in that instant, even the most ordinary of days can deliver heartache and pain. It’s a day that for us, robbed us of “more time.” Time to do more and build more memories with our dear friend.

It’s a day that changed life as we knew it and stripped away so many plans and dreams. It’s a day that I will always remember and for many of us, January 18th will break our hearts over and over again.

I can say the same about July 3rd, October 22nd, October 24th, and, and, and….

The date of a loved ones death whether expected or not shifts what might have been the most ordinary of days to an extraordinary day. But unlike a birthday, wedding anniversary, graduation, retirement, or holiday, a death anniversary can come with heartache. And while the rest of the world tends to celebrate the day someone was born every single year, there is often little to no recognition or honoring the day someone dies.

Timelines become a thing in the world of grief. People are expected to get over it and move on. To grieve quickly and in silence because it’s just too uncomfortable for others and the topic of grief comes with rules and is often taboo.

Sadly, the rest of the world has quickly forgotten the significance of January 18th, but there are so many other people who will never forget what happened that day and it’s a day that will be wrapped in grief.

Obviously this first year is one of the hardest and January 18th won’t always hurt as much as it does today. I have been down this road enough times to know that the sadness, and grief I feel today won’t always be so painful and raw. Grief does soften and like so many other losses, I will continue to integrate this loss into my life and move forward.

And while January 18th is now a day of significance and one that is filled with painful memories, I will also find ways to honor and celebrate our dear friend as we remember him today.

I will go for a walk along the beach, toast him with a glass of wine on a patio by the water at lunch, look at pictures, say his name, and smile when I think about all of the wonderful things we did and shared with Tom over the years.

January 18th will never be “just another day” for me ever again. For his family and friends, January 18th is forever changed and it will always be a reminder of all that was lost. I will never pretend the 18th doesn’t matter or hide the grief felt on this day. Toms life mattered and the footprints he left on our hearts won’t fade away.

We wouldn’t expect people to stop celebrating birthdays regardless of how many years have passed so why would people forget or stop honoring a loved one on the day they died?

Everyone grieves in their own unique way and I would also be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that for some, it’s too painful to honor the day someone died. Some grievers prefer to honor a loved ones birthday instead of the day they died and that’s okay too. And for some, it feels better to remember and honor their loved ones on any significant milestone day.

Do what feels right for you and know that it’s okay to grieve for as long as you need. If the loss is big enough, grief can become a forever kind of thing. That doesn’t mean life can’t be good again. It’s possible to find peace, happiness, purpose and joy again. Even on January 18th.

Whatever days are no longer “ordinary days” for you, do what feels right for your heart. Give yourself lots of grace. Take good care of yourself. Get outside in nature and breathe in the fresh air. Connect with friends or family. Find someone you can talk to. Write a letter or in a journal. Listen to good music. Make your loved ones favorite meal. Light a candle and toast them. Look at the pictures. Share stories. Wear their favorite sweatshirt. Go to one of their favorite places. Or just wrap up in a cozy blanket, cry, and watch a show.

There’s no one way to grieve and there’s no one way to act when trying to live your life on a day that is no longer just another ordinary day.

Your grief matters every day and it especially matters on those difficult, heartbreaking, never to be the same as before days that come every year.

I’m sending love to all of you and I will always hold space for you and your grief.

And to my dear friend Tom…I can’t believe it’s been a year since you left this world and you are missed every single day. January 18 will always be a day of significance for me and I will always remember you and honor you. I know you are flying with the eagles and shining with the brightest of stars. And whether it is your “birthday” or “deathday” you will be honored and carried deep in my heart. I love you.

Michele