The Hard Work of Grieving is Just Beginning After the LA Fires

Photo credit of ABC news.

I wrote a post several days ago about the fires in LA and while rain has recently brought some relief, my heart continues to feel heavy for all who have been impacted by this devastating tragedy.

Like so many losses and tragedies that occur in life, images of the horror unfolding in California and the devastation of the fires reached hearts and minds around the world for days. Honestly, it was hard to think about much else as fire consumed everything in its path and wiped out entire communities.

And then an all too common trend happened – the news moved onto other things, people went back to their own busy lives, and for anyone who was not directly impacted by this tragedy, life went back to “normal” and for many, the fires of LA are now a sad but faint memory tucked away in their minds and hearts.

I’m not trying to be negative or blunt here but I see this all the time. Regardless of the loss, the window of sympathy quickly closes and is far shorter than how long the pain of grief lasts. And as many of you know, if the loss is big enough, grief can last for a lifetime.

Society doesn’t do well with tragedy, grief, sadness, and pain. It’s easier to get back to life, get over it and move on. People don’t want to dwell on the tough stuff in life and it feels safer to push the heartbreak to the back of one’s mind and try to forget about it as quickly as possible.

But that’s not how it works for those directly impacted tragedy, loss and grief. It’s not that simple and for many who were impacted by the horror of these fires, the hard work of grief is just beginning. Containing the fires and much needed rain does not contain their grief or wash away their pain. It is deeply burrowed into the disrupted and torn fabric of their lives and for anyone impacted by these fires, they need for love, support, and compassion is high.

Recently, a friend shared this with me a few days ago and it is one of many examples of all that so many people in California are carrying and dealing with.

“I spent some time with a family of 3 small children who lost everything in the fire. They are from England and have no family here. The support system they had, neighbors, local schools etc. are all gone. 

It was a terrifying experience as the mom couldn’t reach her children for quite some time; located at two different schools. 

They are truly in shock trying to make quick decisions about everything in their lives. Shelter, food, clothing, bills, insurance claims, medical needs… on and on. Most lost computers and only have cell phones to communicate with. 

Another family who lost their little daughter in a e bike accident a few years ago ( this story was in People magazine) and now, lost everything they own. The loss is horrific. 

I don’t hear much about emotional support being offered. The fire victims are spread out in different directions, just trying to seek shelter, let alone emotional support.”

Her email touched me deeply and reminded me of the devastation, heartbreak, and horror so many are facing and that the fallout from all of this is just beginning. The losses are huge and diverse and the grief will remain for a very long time.

When mother nature steps in and delivers a gut wrenching punch, it’s important to remember just how deeply the heartbreak and change that accompany tragedy is.

Sadly, lives were tragically lost in the fires and I don’t need to tell most people how painful and devastating losing a loved one is. Loved ones died and my heart breaks for their family and friends.

Keeping that in mind and close to our hearts, it’s important to also remember that human beings grieve for many different types of loss and for people directly impacted by the fires there are so many different types of loss to face and endure.

Entire communities were wiped out. Homes, churches, schools, stores, clinics, businesses, and many structures, are – just – gone.

Treasured memories, valuables, history, years of hard work, and dreams, disappeared in a moment and yes people grieve deeply for all of these things. Things that meant something and mattered to them.

People have lost shelter, feeling safe, family heirlooms, pictures, clothing, security, computers for communicating, and in some cases easy access to medical care and food. And let’s not forget about all of the administrative nightmares of trying to deal with insurance claims or the exhaustion and hard work it will take to rebuild.

This tragedy is of epic proportions and we have seen this before. Whether it is flooding, earthquakes, tornados, fires, or a tsumani, the grief and loss is real.

People will say that it’s just stuff. All things that can be replaced. And while rationally this might be true – it’s not as simple as that. The “stuff” people are referring to mean more than that. So much of what people lost in the fires were important parts of their lives and while some of it can be replaced and rebuilt, there are some things these people will never recover or get back.

Yes things can always be worse and it’s important to remember that lives were lost. Life is undeniably valuable but we can’t forget how so many other things in life truly are. All of it matters and so many people lost so much.

Platitudes are not helpful right now. Telling people it could be worse, everything happens for a reason, God won’t give you more than you can handle, or at least you can rebuild or replace things, is dismissive and can minimize the depth of grief felt and rarely aligns with how people are really feeling on the inside.

It’s so important that we acknowledge one another’s pain. We need to stop “forgetting” about it because it didn’t impact us personally. People need to be able to grievie for ALL that was lost and not hide or suppress their feelings and pain. Suppressing grief only makes things worse and people should never have to feel guilty for grieving any loss including grieving for “stuff and things.”

I have heard so many people say they can’t imagine as they witnessed the horror unfolding in California this month. But here’s the thing – if we are all honest – we CAN imagine and if we really think about it and allow ourselves to imagine it becomes easier to show up with empathy, compassion, love, kindness and support. 

We are in this thing called life together and loss and grief are everywhere. There is no shortage of grief and everyone will experience loss and grief. Not everyone will experience the devastation of a fire, flood, or natural disaster but many different types of loss can bring heartbreak, change, devastation and grief. We can ALL make a difference in the lives of others in both big and small ways.

We as human beings thrive on community and connection and I can promise you that so many people in CA need community and connection right now.

I’m not saying people need to dwell on disasters and tragedies 24 hours a day, but it is important to remember and try to help when we can. WE as grievers know how important support and validation is and grief doesn’t go away in a few days or weeks. Grief will remain for the people who were impacted by the fires for a very long time.

For anyone grieving a loss from these fires – give yourself permission to grieve. Don’t deny yourself the right to grieve for anything that was lost. And my wish is that, with time, moments of peace, hope, and joy will be restored. I’m sending extra love and compassion your way.

And as always, I’m sending love to anyone grieving a difficult loss as loss shows up in many forms around the world every single day.

My heart stands with you and I’m here to listen, love, and support.

If anyone would like to help those impacted by the fires, there are resources listed in the links below.

 https://teamrubiconusa.org/news-and-stories/how-to-help-california-wildfires-survivors/

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2025-01-08/how-to-help-victims-of-pacific-palisades-eaton-and-hurst-fires

With love

michele