Still…

Recently, I was talking to a former client and she shared that one of the things that frustrates her the most is when people seem surprised that she is still grieving. Some of her family and friends struggle to understand why she is still crying so much and why she is still so sad. And by the way, it’s only been a year.

Regardless of how recent or how many years have passed, grievers should never have to justify or feel bad about their grief.

Yet, it’s one of the biggest and most challenging things grievers deal with and sadly, the unrealistic expectations of others in a world that doesn’t always get it can lead grievers to feel judged and misunderstood. The world of grief can feel like a cold and lonely place. Grievers often feel isolated and struggle to fit back in. Especially when the "grief rules” rarely align with how grievers actually feel.

For anyone looking from the outside in and standing on the sidelines of another’s grief journey - it can be difficult to truly understand what a griever is going through. Even if the intentions come from a place of love, family, colleagues, and friends don’t get it and many end up feeling uncomfortable and disappointed when a griever is still grieving, crying, struggling, overwhelmed, and sad.

Timelines become a misaligned focus and are far too important in society even though there are no set timelines when grieving a difficult loss. The outside world needs and wants the griever to snap out of it, feel better, get over it, and move on. And the window for sympathy and compassion is often far shorter than the journey of grief itself.

People are surprised when a griever is still having a hard time even though it’s only been 6 weeks, 6 months, or a few years. I have been shocked to hear people say things like, “what do you mean you are still grieving and crying, the funeral was 3 months ago.” Newsflash - the hard work of grief is just beginning after the funeral is over and the rest of the world goes back to their own lives and homes.

Here’s the thing. There are NO timelines when it comes to loss and grief. There is no completely getting over it or completely moving on from something that’s upended your life. If the loss is big enough, grief can remain for the rest of your days here on earth.

That doesn’t mean life will always be as difficult, heavy, and sad as it is in the beginning. Grief won’t always be as intense and even though the deep imprint of grief stays on your heart, the pain can soften and things won’t always be as raw. You may not move on but you can learn to move with it. To grow around it and learn to live with it. Human begins are incredibly resilient and the human heart has enough space to carry both grief and joy.

So if you are still grieving and feeling pressured from a world that doesn’t always get it, here are a few key things to remember:

• You are not doing anything wrong. You get to grieve for as long as you need and in whatever way feels right for you.

• Tend to your grieving heart and be gentle with yourself. Be patient and give yourself lots of grace.

• You are not a burden. Grief isn’t meant to be confined or hidden away. You get to grieve.

• Meet yourself right where you are and need to be. Not where society needs and expects you to be.

• It’s okay to have a bad day - even years later. To cry and feel sad. To feel overwhelmed and struggle under the weight of grief.

• You don’t have to apologize for your grief nor do you owe an explanation to anyone.

• Grief is a human experience and one that deserves to be honored and lived.

• Give yourself permission to grieve.

• Life can be good again and it’s possible to move forward and find purpose, happiness, and joy again. Even if you are still grieving.

I can tell you that I am still grieving many different losses in my life. And some of them happened many years ago. Loss and grief are part of who I am and yes I still have days when I cry, feel sad, overwhelmed, and struggle to accept that it’s all real.

You get to do the same. No questions asked.

Remember - grief is sacred and it’s proof that you loved and cared about someone so much it may always hurt. You may always feel a little sad and you will always miss them.

But you can still grieve and find peace in your heart at the same time. Regardless of how long it’s been.

And if someone doesn’t understand why you are still grieving, that has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them.

Your grief matters. Always.

With love -

Michele