It Doesn’t Get Easier

Photo credit: @noahstillman

Last weekend I attended a gathering to honor a dear friend. A friend I had known for more than half of my life. A friend I cared deeply about and loved. It is a difficult loss for me and one that has left me feeling a bit gutted and sad. And I was quickly reminded that it doesn’t matter how many losses one experiences in life, it doesn’t get easier.

Honestly, I used to think I was good at loss and grief. Over the years, loss had become part of my life with the first “big” loss occurring at the young age of 17. I truly believed I had figured out how to navigate and carry grief. I believed I could grieve my way through anything and nothing could rattle me or turn my life upside down.

I was wrong.

Every loss did impact me. In fact, every single loss changed me as a person a little bit more. Grief found its way to me quickly and with every loss, I felt sad, lonely, sometimes angry, and overwhelmed. I didn’t always realize it was the grief that was affecting me every day. I like so many grievers, tried to ignore it, hide it, pretend all was fine, and “stay calm and carry on.”

Because that’s was I had learned. I believed that’s what I was supposed to do. I believed I needed to be strong. To carry on no matter what and to let grief get the best of me was a sign of weakness. I believe it was better to move forward unscathed by the battering of loss and to never let grief in.

Here’s the thing. I wasn’t always strong nor was I weak. Ignoring grief was creating barriers to moving forward in healthy ways and instead of dealing with the grief I carried over the years, I was numbing out. I wasn’t good at it. I was just good at pretending. I was good at trying to please everyone else instead of honoring my needs inside of my grief. I felt so empty and was lonely. Guilt and shame often accompanied me and again, I didn’t have a clue that grief was deeply embedded in all that was happening in and around me.

It took a long time but I finally started to realize that one of the only ways to survive a life filled with loss and grief is to allow yourself to go through it. To give yourself permission to grieve. It’s important to let your emotions out and to be honest about all that you are feeling. I learned that grief isn’t the enemy and it’s necessary to let it in.

I learned that it’s okay to grieve and that there are no timelines when it comes to loss and grief. While difficult to believe, I realized that grieving didn’t make me weak and I didn’t have to be strong all the time.

Over the years, it became clear that grief doesn’t necessarily go away. That grief left unattended festers and if ignored for too long, it will come out sideways. I learned that I wasn’t the only one and that I needed validation and support. I needed people in my life that would listen and seek to understand. People to talk to and people who would sit with me inside of my pain.

Eventually, I realized that loss and grief doesn’t get easier. Every loss is different and you will grieve each loss in different ways. There are so many variables that come into play and just because you have experienced loss before, doesn’t mean loss and grief magically become easier to carry.

Last weekend reminded me of that. It doesn’t get easier.

It doesn’t matter that I do grief work. It doesn’t matter that I have experienced many losses over the years. It doesn’t matter that I have grieved over the course of my entire adult life and as a teen. I still grieve. It still hurts. It’s still hard and the pain still runs deep.

It doesn’t get easier and perhaps it’s not supposed to. Regardless of how many losses you experience, every new loss will hurt in some way. With that being said, grief in and of itself will soften with time. You will learn to live with each loss and how to better navigate the grief you carry forward in what will be different each and every time. It IS possible to grow around your grief and to rebuild a life filled with a sense of purpose, peace and joy. Does the grief itself get easier after each new loss? I would like to believe it will but it takes time, grace, determination, honesty, and hard work. It takes connection, community, and good support.

And at the end of the day, I can’t answer that question for you. It’s your journey and one that will unfold for you over time.

Honestly, I don’t want to get good at loss and grief. We grieve for a reason and it’s one of the most human things any of us will ever do. Grief means someone or something mattered and in most cases, we grieve because of love. I have found a way to carry grief with grace and still live a purpose filled, peaceful, joyful life. And so can you.

If you are grieving, it’s my hope you are honoring your grief and giving yourself permission to be honest about your feelings and giving yourself permission to grieve.

I’m sending love and I will always be someone who holds space for you and will sit with you inside of your pain.

With love -

Michele