Missed You Last Night
Our family gathered last night for the first time since my mom’s funeral in October. It was our first holiday gathering without her here and the void was felt and hard to ignore. My sister lit a candle next to her picture carefully placed next to “her chair” and mom, we missed you last night.
The truth is, I miss my mom every night but the volume of grief is turned up and amplified during the holidays. There are so many reminders of love, family and past holiday cheer. Holidays when we were all together and the loved ones we miss so much were still here.
Last night was nice and it felt good to spend time with family. We enjoyed delicious food, played games and laughed. We also felt the deep void and absence of the mom and grandma everyone loved. Everyone received a holiday ornament with her picture and it was comforting to know mom will hold a special place on everyone’s tree this year.
Nonetheless, the night came with a brutal reminder of how much things have changed in just a couple of months. There are days when it still doesn’t feel real but gatherings without her bring the reality of losing her to the surface all over again.
The holidays can be both brutal and beautiful all at the same time and sometimes it’s difficult to sort it all out. Feelings can conflict with one another playing an intense game of tug of war in our hearts and homes.
It can feel exhausting when desperately trying to cling to all of the memories and love while wishing for relief and for the pain to go away.
One of the things I’m struggling with the most is knowing my dear sweet mom won’t be able to experience the magic of the holidays with her great grandkids. She was so happy when both Luca and Alma were born and loved them so much. Honestly, that breaks my heart but I also like to believe she is always with us in everything we do.
I share this because I know the holidays are tough for so many people and I want you to remember, that while you may feel lonely, you’re not not completely alone in how you feel. People are hurting and grieving everywhere. People all over the world are missing someone special this holiday season. So many are sitting across from an empty chair wishing for one more “I love you” or hug.
The holidays feel extra heavy after losing someone you love. It’s a time of year when people feel alone even when standing in the middle of a crowd. It’s a time when the void feels a bit wider and deeper. A time when the yearning screams extra loud for the one thing you want and can’t have. The holidays are a time when the traditions of old and new collide as families desperately try to find ways to feel close to the people they miss so much.
The holidays can be the “most wonderful time of the year” and commercials, hallmark movies and celebrations will remind you of that everywhere you look. However, for many, the holidays are the most difficult time of year when grief is sitting at the table and making its presence known.
I’m not going to sugarcoat the reality of how hard the holidays can be but I do hope you can find ways to honor your loved one and keep them close in your heart as you gather with friends and family. Also, I know that some people are truly alone this year and my heart goes out to you with hopes you know I care and I’m here.
Be a bit selfish and take extra good care of yourself during the holidays. Give yourself the gift of grace and remember it’s okay to feel, to miss and to grieve. Hang on and even though the holidays are hard, I hope you can find pieces of joy sprinkled in with the sparkling lights alongside your grief.
I miss my mom terribly and the holidays are going to feel extra heavy and sad this year. But, I’m okay with that because I know it’s because of how much I love and miss her. We grieve because of love and love is the most beautiful gift human beings can give and receive.
With love -
Michele