The Empty Chair

Our family got together today to go through mom’s stuff and start the painful process of cleaning out her apartment. She loved that apartment and sadly, she was only there for a couple of months. I have always been amazed at how a person’s entire life can be packed up in boxes and either donated or hauled away to each of our homes.

It was incredibly difficult to see mom’s personal belongings go out the door and while I’m grateful that many of her things will stay in the family, today was yet another reminder of how real all of this is.

One item in particular was particularly hard to give away. And, even though it was nothing more than a piece of furniture, it was a piece that helped me to feel closest to her.

Every time I would visit mom, I would find her sitting in that blue chair. Sometimes she would be sound asleep in it or she would snuggle into it while we watched Hallmark movies, Wheel of Fortune or Days of Our Lives.

I know that “things” are not what’s most important when it comes to the meaning of a person’s life and yet, there are things that hold special meaning when it comes to parting ways and saying goodbye.

To walk into her apartment and see the empty chair hurt in ways that are hard to explain. It was a cruel reminder that she’s not coming back and it’s heartbreaking to know that she will never sit in that chair to watch Hallmark movies again.

Yesterday, I went to her apartment early to sit in her chair one last time. It helped me feel close to her and the truth is, I needed to sit in the silence of my grief for a while and have a really good cry.

Today, the chair is gone and it felt weird not seeing it there. The entire process of going through her things piece by piece felt far too final as everything was boxed up and hauled away.

No one ever wants to go through a loved one’s stuff but it’s part of the grief journey everyone must eventually face. In our case, we had no choice but to do it before the end of the month and if I’m honest, I wasn’t ready to do it this soon. It’s painful and for others, it’s something that is put off for a very long time. And that’s okay.

There’s no right or wrong way to do things when it comes to loss and grief. It’s personal and every person needs to feel ready when it comes to going through or getting rid of things.

I know it’s just a chair but it was mom’s chair and to see it empty was a reminder of losing a very special person just a few short weeks ago.

With that being said, I keep trying to focus on who she was as a person and the incredible legacy she left behind.

I do believe she is with us in everything we do and it’s when I slow down and really pay attention that I know her presence is everywhere. And, the unconditional love and support she gave over the years are so much more important than dishes, jewelry or a chair.

Leaving her apartment today felt heavy and I couldn’t bring myself to go home. So, in an attempt to feel close to her, I went to the movie theatre mom and I went to often and with our favorite snacks of Mountain Dew, popcorn and chocolate in hand, took in a show.

It was bittersweet for sure and as I pulled out of the parking lot, the tears came again but I know it’s all part of the grief journey and I also know that every tear shed is because of love.

I love you mom and you will be missed every single day. I also know that you will continue to be with me and you would be the first one to tell me, smile when you think of me and remember, the show must go on.

With love -

Michele