I Just Called to Say I Love You

Time takes on a new meaning after the heartbreaking loss of someone you love. Time keeps moving and yet it’s easy to feel like you are frozen in time. Suddenly, daily life is measured closely with increments of time and as I write this, I’m painfully aware that it’s been 13 days and 15 hours since my mom died. And, like so many times before, I picked up the phone to call her today.

It hurts in the most unimaginable of ways to know that every call I make moving forward will go unanswered. She will no longer pick up the phone and say, “Hi Shel, how are you today.” But, today I actually dialed the phone and called her anyways.

The urge to hear her voice was strong today and as silly as it might sound to the rest of the world, I left her a tear filled message telling her how much I miss her and that she’s so loved.

Making the call and listening to her personal greeting didn’t take the pain away and in part, it made me feel worse. It hurts as the reality and enormity of this loss continues to sink in. Nonetheless, it also makes me feel closer to her when I hear the familiar and soothing tone of her voice. If I’m honest, I dread the moment we disconnect her phone service in the next week or two, and the ability to call her and leave a message ceases to exist.

It’s part of the process and it’s one of many things that we must let go of as time marches on and those who are grieving are forced to roll back into the demands of daily life. There’s nothing easy about any of it, and if you can relate to my words, my heart goes out to you.

Even though I’m sitting on a balcony and staring out at the beautiful, turquoise waters in Hawaii, my heart feels crushed under the weight of it all and the tears continue to fall, one by one.

I know she’s gone but I don’t want it to be true. Accepting the finality of this loss is proving to be incredibly difficult for me and I find myself searching for signs from her in everything I do.

After a devastating loss, the memories, stories, and pictures quickly transition into an emotional lifeline and listening to her wishing me happy birthday on my I phone messages just a few short months ago, are forever saved and sacred to me.

Some will think calling my mom’s phone and leaving a message today is over the top or a bit bizarre. That’s okay. For me, there’s no room for judgement in the grief space and I will continue to remind people that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

It’s important to feel all that you need to feel, to cry whenever you need to and to do those things that bring you comfort whether the outside world understands it or not. Everyone grieves differently, and the only way to grieve is your way.

Please remember that your grief matters and you don’t ever have to justify the grief you are carrying or how you choose to carry it to anyone.

I know that the heaviness of my grief will soften and I won’t always hurt as much as I do right now, but I needed to call her today. I needed to hear her voice. In the end, I just called to say I love you.

I’m sending you love as you continue to walk your journey and know that I’m here to listen, love and support you every step of the way.

With love -

Michele