I Just Want my Mom
My mom died eleven days ago. It doesn’t feel real and even though we had a beautiful service honoring her life, I’m struggling to accept the reality that my mom is gone. I don’t want to accept it. I just want my mom.
Grief is a familiar companion and one that I have known for years. But, the recent loss of my mother has reminded me that every loss is different and no two grief experiences are the same.
Losing my mom crushed me and the hole left in my heart is vast and wide. Part of my core and who I was died with her the night she took her last breath. Once again, losing someone I love has changed me and I won’t get those parts of me back again.
There’s something about losing a mother that’s sacred and the way you look at the world and the life your mother gave you, tilts sideways and shifts the moment she’s gone. Suddenly, the foundation you have depended on since birth, crumbles beneath you and no longer exists.
The grief I’m carrying is heavy and there are moments that the baggage of grief strapped to my chest makes it hard to breathe. And, I have had moments of despair where I have sobbed uncontrollably in my car, the shower, or in my bed. There have been moments when I have been childlike and through the sobs, I have found myself screaming, “I just want my mom.” Can you relate?
Today, I’m writing from a place that’s raw and a heart that’s broken. I write with honesty and a refusal to pretend all is fine when it’s not. I write because I want all of you to know that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to hurt and sob. It’s okay to kick and scream as you wish for your loved one to come back. It’s understandable to want your mom.
Pure, raw and uncensored grief is painfully hard but it’s also necessary. It’s important to allow yourself to feel and to grieve. There’s no shame in grieving and whether the rest of the world gets it or not, grief is the sacred testament to loving another human being and the pain of grief means they truly mattered in your life.
I knew losing my mom would be hard but I didn’t realize how much it would turn my life inside out. My heart is crushed and it’s a reminder that it doesn’t matter how old you are, to lose a mother really hurts.
I will miss our morning coffee dates, our daily phone calls and going to the movies with our popcorn, pop and chocolate treats. She was my mom but also a best friend. I could talk to her about anything and to not be able to pick up the phone and call her has left a void that can’t be filled. Honestly, I can’t imagine life without her in it and the emptiness is palpable and hard to ignore.
For any of you grieving the loss of someone you love, my heart goes out to you. And, for those of you who are grieving the loss of your mom, I’m holding space for your grieving heart. Loss is inevitable and we are all in this together. The outpouring of love and support from everyone has been a gift and has lifted me up when I have needed it the most. I hope I can do the same for you.
I know I’m grieving because of how much I love my mom and I’m grateful for her in so many ways. But I’m also grieving and hurting because I just want my mom. And, you’re never too old to need and want that.
With love and in solidarity -
Michele