Stars, Stripes and the Triggers of Grief

The Fourth of July weekend is upon us and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling the sting of grief as the holiday weekend looms ahead. It’s a reminder of how the waves of grief can wash over you regardless of how much time has passed by and I write this morning because I want all of you to know that it’s okay to grieve.

Our lives were turned upside down on July 3rd, 1999 when a boating accident took the lives of 5 young men. My first husband and the father of my two young daughters was one of those young men. It was a tragic and devastating loss that would change so many lives and for us, the 4th of July holiday would never be the same. It was complicated in ways that are difficult to explain and I will save that for another time.

Obviously, it has been 23 years and we have all put our lives back together again. While forever changed by this tragedy, hearts have healed and life is good again. I share this post because I personally know and understand how grief can ebb and flow. I know how timelines have no place in the world of grief and it’s normal to have grief moments no matter how much time has gone by.

Society will tell you that there is a time limit to grieving. We live in a culture that is often uncomfortable with grief and people need for you to get your grieving over with and move on. They desperately want you to go back to the person you were before life turned upside down when, in part, that person no longer exists.

Grief doesn’t work that way. Not after a devastating loss that rearranges everything. Grief becomes a part of you and it never completely goes away. And that’s okay.

I was laying in bed last night and I could hear the rumble of fireworks in the distance. A wave of grief washed over me and anxiety settled into my heart. I fought it for a moment and then I reminded myself that it’s okay. That triggers of grief happen and it doesn’t matter if it’s been 6 months, 3 years, 10 years or 23. That’s how grief works and I remind my fellow grievers of that all the time.

I have learned that there will always be reminders of loss and that the triggers of grief can show up anytime and anyplace. It can be a sound, a smell, a song, a food or so many other things. It doesn’t have to make sense and you don’t have to justify it to anyone.

For me, the 4th of July holiday is loaded with reminders and they are hard to avoid. Fireworks, boating, sparklers, stars and stripes, Santana, blue jean shorts, kids laughing and playing in the lake, and sand on the feet are reminders of a painful and heartbreaking loss that happened so long ago. A loss that broke my kids hearts at the tender ages of 6 and 8. Telling them was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

With that being said, the emotions that show up every year are less raw. The grief is softer and much lighter. It’s easier to carry and as I mentioned earlier, life is good. Perhaps the 4th of July will never be quite the same for us, but we have learned to enjoy it, laugh and have fun again.

I know how hard the grief journey can be and I want you to remember that you are not alone. Everyone will grieve and we are ALL in this together. It won’t always feel this hard and you won’t always feels this awful. Things can get better one moment, one day, one month and one year at a time. It doesn’t mean you won’t have hard days even years later. It doesn’t mean you won’t have times where you feel like you have walked a million miles only to end up back where you started again.

The smallest of things can take you right back to the day that changed your life forever. The 4th of July holiday takes me right back to 1999 and I remember every emotion and detail as if it happened yesterday. That’s how grief rolls.

Don’t fight it. Allow the grief to wash over you and through you. Feel all that you need to feel in the moment and give yourself grace. You are not doing anything wrong. Be patient in those moments and when something bubbles up for you, know that it’s normal and it’s okay.

When something reminds you of your loss, honor it and hold space for it. Be extra compassionate with yourself and know you are loved.

Stars and stripes will forever remind me of a time in life that changed life as we knew it and there will always be an element of grief, sadness and tears as we celebrate the 4th of July weekend.

But there is also laughter, joy and beauty in the weekend. We have moved forward in life and that’s my hope for you. Remember, grief and joy can exist in the same space.

Sending love always. Your grief matters.

Michele