The Void

It’s been a long and difficult 11 days but it’s also been a time of remembering, sharing stories, laughter mixed with the tears, and celebrating the life of an amazing human being who is gone far too soon. A time where so much love shined through as we all felt the weight of this loss and what it means in the days ahead.

My heart is heavy this morning and I’m back to feeling a bit numb as I struggle to grasp the gravity of this huge void that now sits in the middle of our lives and hearts. And the truth is, there are no words that can adequately describe the emptiness and pain so many of us feel as we said goodbye this weekend.

With that being said, one of the only things I know to do when my heart is cracked open, is write. To unleash all of my emotions onto a blank page. To try and somehow make sense of a world that often makes no sense. A world that is guaranteed to bring loss and grief.

It’s incredibly hard if not impossible to digest the loss of such a wonderful man. And another person I loved so much - is just gone.

Our hearts hurt and as I write this morning, I feel as if the dark and ugly hole of loss and grief might swallow me whole.

I can’t stop thinking about Tom, Jill, his kids, grandkids, and the many family and friends that loved him so. Because I know that everyone who loved him is heartbroken and I know how life just changed in so many ways and how much this hurts.

I’m somehow supposed to be a “specialist” when it comes to loss and grief, yet I feel lost today as I try to navigate the pain of my own grief and losing a man I cared deeply about and loved. It’s rocky terrain and the truth is, I’m struggling to push through the sadness and emptiness right now.

I’m somehow supposed to know what to say and yet I’m struggling to say much at all or to find the right words. Because there are no “right” words. And perhaps there will never be the right or perfect words when it comes to making sense out of life and loss.

It doesn’t matter how many times we walk down the road of grief. Grief isn’t something any of us master or become good at. It hurts in unimaginable ways. Every single time.

Neal and I, have been walking around in a fog these past few days and we’ve said WHAT THE F#*K too many times to count. It doesn’t feel real and I don’t know that losing Tom (TNT) will ever feel real.

I may write about grief every day, but I’m not good at this grief thing. Not last Thursday when we got the devastating call, not over this past week, the visitation, or the memorial service, and not today. The only thing I can think about is my dear friend, his family, and the void that now sits in all of our lives.

One of the hardest parts of being human is that we will love, we will lose, and we will grieve. And if the loss is big enough (and this one is), we will grieve for the rest of our lives. Loss and grief will always be stitched into the corners of our broken hearts and as hard as loss is, there’s no avoiding it or the grief that will find its way to everyone’s door.

Losing Tom is yet another brutal reminder that life doesn’t come with promises or guarantees. Life is so unpredictable, plans change, promises are broken and without warning dreams are lost and quickly fade away.

One single phone call reminded me of that on January 18th, and like so many of you feel, life can be so unfair.

Life is busy and I believe we all get caught in the chaos from one day to the next. It’s easy to forget to truly appreciate each and every moment given, and sadly, it’s easy to take things for granted. We are human and in reality, most people wake up each and every morning expecting life to go as planned. We all say goodbye to our loved ones in the morning and count on that we will all be coming home that night. No one ever thinks life is about to change forever and turn upside down before another day comes to an end.

Until it does. Until life changes in one moment and we lose someone we love.

Loss stops us in our tracks and reminds us of how short life is. It reminds us of how precious life is and to appreciate those we love even more. It reminds us of our own mortality and of how vulnerable we are.

I hate loss like everyone else but it’s part of life and it’s not something any of us can ignore or avoid. If we are going to be vulnerable enough to love one another, we will grieve. Time and time again.

So we continue to take that risk. To be vulnerable and to love others because in the end, love is what matters the most. Love is a gift and a beautiful thing. And love is what carries us when the unimaginable hits and life is turned inside out.

Still, losing someone you love is so damn hard. Walking the journey of grief is never easy and I can’t help but think about some of the things we can do as we continue to try and carry our grief forward.

There’s no magical fix and right now I’m running into walls everywhere I turn - but we can all be reminded to take nothing for granted and learn to truly live. Each and every day to the fullest and as if each one of those days could be our last. We can slow down, simplify, and with intention, focus on the people we love and what truly matters in life.

We can say I love you more often. Make it a practice to say I love you every morning and I love you every night before going to bed. Say I love you every time you hang up the phone or say goodbye. We can love more and hate less.

We can lead with kindness, show up for one another without condition, and replace judgement with compassion and understanding.

We can stop taking things for granted and find gratitude for the good things in our lives instead of focusing on the bad.

We can seek peace and work harder to do better and to be better human beings. To do the next right thing and to make a difference in the world.

We can learn to stop and embrace those moments in time that are so special in life they are impossible to forget. Moments that may never come again.

Every time I lose someone that means the world to me, I am reminded that nothing lasts forever. I want to honor them by being a better person and making every moment count. To leave the world a better place. I’ve learned that even in the midst of heartbreak and loss, love is everywhere. Love is what matters the most and love is the reason loss hurts so much. Love is the reason we grieve.

So with love, reach out and get together with the people you care about. Give lots of hugs. Take that trip. Forgive and let go. Give to others. Make a change you’ve been talking about for years. Make that phone call. Stop putting off today what you can do tomorrow. Forgive. Assume nothing and expect anything. Dance in the rain. Follow your dreams. Take a risk and don’t let fear stand in your way. Be kind and above all else, love more than you ever have before.

My light is dim today as I grieve the loss of my dear friend and one of the best people I know. I cannot imagine life without Tom in it and as the finality of this heartbreaking loss sets in, I’m struggling to accept what feels so unacceptable and I don’t want to.

I also know that this huge loss and void will bring so many people together and I know we will find slices of joy as we remember, and honor Tom’s memory through our shared stories despite the grief.

That is what living, loving, and grieving is all about. One step and one story at a time.

My heart aches for anyone who is grieving and hurting today. I’m sorry if you are in the void and struggling to adapt to a life that’s changed in so many ways and won’t ever be quite the same.

We are ALL in this crazy journey of life, love, and grief together.

So as I finishing writing today, I’m going to be the best person I can be in honor of my friend, and in those moments I’m struggling, I’m going to ask myself….WWTD. What would Tom do.

With love -

michele