Losing a person we love and the grief that follows is exhausting in and of itself. A significant loss turns life upside down and in a split second everything changes. It leaves an undeniable brand on one’s heart and the journey of grief that follows is messy, painful and unpredictable at best.

In the immediate wake of loss, one is tossed into a tangled mess of emotions and the unknown. At times it can feel raw and all-consuming with no maps or guides.

And - in the days, weeks and months ahead the rocky terrain of secondary losses often appear. Grievers often find themselves juggling multiple losses born out of losing a loved one and it can feel like one is losing even more important pieces of “life before” all at once.

Talk about grief overload? Sometimes the only thing to do is scream. It is hard enough to manage one big strip your heart bare kind of loss yet alone to throw in a whole bunch of secondary losses.

It sucks and it’s not fair. But then again there is rarely much of anything in the land of loss and grief that does’t suck or feels fair.

The domino affect of loss and grief lands a punch because the death of a loved one will typically leave more than a single hole in one’s heart. The primary loss often impacts and changes many areas of life leading to multiple “secondary” losses to face and grieve.

A secondary loss doesn’t necessarily mean that the impact is secondary. It simply means that those particular losses are secondary and follow the initial and primary loss.

So what are secondary losses?

It is impossible for me to know what specific secondary losses each person will face. Remember, grief is personal and everyone grieves in their own way. What might spillover from one person’s loss may not be the same for someone else.

With that being said, I can share a few common secondary losses with the hope it will lead to recognition of what secondary losses you might be experiencing within your own personal grief.

Loss of Income

Loss of Identity

Loss of Future Hopes and Dreams

Loss of Friends

Loss of Home

Loss of Companionship

Loss of Security

Loss of Help

Loss of Purpose

Loss of Hope

Loss of Faith

Loss of Self

As you can see, some of these examples are concrete and some are harder to define, but they all can have a significant impact on someone who is already grieving the loss of a loved one.

Secondary losses don’t always show up immediately following a loss and many of them evolve and develop over time.

Understanding secondary losses is an important piece to the grief puzzle. It is important to be aware of how different losses can spill over into your grief experience so you can be prepared to face them and mourn them along the way.

I’m sure it feels overwhelming to digest all of the losses one may need to grieve but it is the reality of grief and losing someone you love.

Grief is never simple and it is often unpredictable, messy and made up of many moving pieces and parts including the primary loss and the secondary ones that emerge because of it.

I don’t share this to overwhelm but rather to increase awareness in hopes you are better prepared to recognize these secondary losses and how they might be affecting you.

So what can we do with all of these losses and the overload of grief?

As always, there are never easy or defined answers in the world of grief. It is complicated and personal to each and every one of you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve regardless of the loss that is hurting your heart.

Keeping that in mind, one of the first and most important things to do is to be aware and acknowledge that secondary losses exist. To look for them and recognize that having secondary losses would make sense following the loss of a loved one. (by the way this can apply to loss of health too)

Remember, it is difficult to mourn any loss if you don’t first recognize it and acknowledge that it’s there.

The grief process can be different depending on the loss and the relationship. It is your grief and your grief experience so you have to find what feels right for you. If you are able, work to identify tools or resources that seem to help or bring comfort to YOU when grieving. What helps you may not help others.

Finding people who are experiencing similar losses can help to form a connection that allows you to share and feel understood.

Self-care is critical as you wade through the mess of grief and it’s so important you find things that bring you comfort. Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, resting and breathing in fresh air. Spend time with people who are truly there for you. There is connection in healing and talking to someone you trust can help. Do things that bring you joy whenever you can.

Adapting to all of the change that comes with a significant loss can feel impossible at first. It is not an easy path and it is one that requires self-love and being patient with yourself. There is no rushing through it. Small steps can lead to slowly learning to adapt and while life may be different, it can eventually hold joy and peace again.

Lastly, it’s okay to cry and scream. To let it all out. It’s okay to not be okay and to have a bad day once in awhile. That is part of grieving.

There are so many secondary losses that can stem out of a major loss and it is impossible to address all of them here but we can learn from one another. If you have any thoughts or secondary loss experiences you would like to share with the community it would be great. Share in the comments below.

Sending love in your personal grief experience and I’m here to listen and help. Your grief matters and you don’t have to do this alone.

With Love and Compassion,

Michele