The Price of Hidden Pain and Grief

I know several people, myself included, who struggle with chronic illness and pain. It is a tough road because so many chronic illnesses go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for years. It can be an isolating experience because so many of the symptoms and the pain itself, are invisible to the human eye.

If a person looks fine on the outside, people assume they must feel fine on the inside. This is often not true. Just because someone doesn’t have battle wounds, bandages or scars, doesn’t mean they are not struggling or suffering with illness and pain.

Sadly, there are far too many people who are trying to live life while carrying the burden of chronic illness and pain. And, part of that burden is learning to suck it up, smile and pretend everything is fine. When it’s not.

It somehow feels easier to hide the pain internally while keeping up an outward appearance of health and happiness rather than justify or explain.

While this happens all the time in the face of chronic illness and pain, it is also a harsh reality when it comes to the world of grief. Regardless of losing one’s health or losing a loved one, life can quickly become a game of hide and pretend in the valley of grief.

The pain of grief often becomes a part of who you are. It settles deeply into the fabric of your being and with or without an invitation, it becomes a companion that never leaves. Or at least not for very long.

The pain one feels with grief is chronic and it can last a lifetime depending on the loss. It can truly be a forever kind of thing and much like chronic illness and pain, it is most often internal and hidden.

Typically, the emotional roller-coaster of grief isn’t worn on a sleeve for all the world to see. Painful? Yes. Always obvious to the public eye? No.

We live in a culture that isn’t always grief inclusive and society will try to stuff grief in a tidy neat box. A box that is filled with misinformation, myths and feelings that are frequently misunderstood. It feels easier to turn a blind eye and pretend not to notice all the grief in the world.

But hiding grief and pretending it doesn’t exist for the comfort of others doesn’t work. Grief usually needs to be seen, felt and heard. Perhaps not every day but it will make its presence known and not always on predictable days.

There are certain days that one expects grief to hit like a tidal wave. Anniversaries and holidays are almost always tough and come with painful reminders for those left behind. People are more aware of these difficult days and some will try to be more supportive on those dates. It would make sense for a loved one to grieve and struggle during those times.

But what about all of the other days? The ordinary run of the mill days when grief rips your heart open all over again. The smallest of triggers can be the tipping point and without warning.

The landmines of grief are unpredictable and there will be times when something unexpected leads to a wave of grief strong enough to bring you to your knees. Perhaps it is a song, a smell or a picture you come across. All understandable and yet society doesn’t always condone bold displays of grieving when it seems to be bad timing, inconvenient or uncomfortable.

So we hide it. Stuff it. Pretend like everything is okay when it’s not. It’s back to “you look fine on the outside” therefore you must be fine and moving on.

For anyone who has faced a significant loss, the price of hiding pain and grief is high. It creates a barrier in healing and it is a lonely and isolating path to walk. Grief will show up and demand to be seen if ignored and sometimes it shows up in ways that only makes the journey worse.

There will be people that love you and support you through your grief journey but in truth, even with the best of intentions, no one can truly know how deep the wounds go. No one can walk the path for you because it is your grief story and it is personal to you and only you.

Grieving is part of the human experience and everyone will grieve. It is unavoidable. Personally, I did not choose to join the grief club. Who does? Loss and grief are inevitable and as much as it has ripped my heart open more than once, it is because of my own grief that I am so aware of how many people are hurting out there. I know that I will meet people every day that are hiding behind smiles despite the internal pain they are carrying.

It is because of loss and grief that we as human beings learn to be more compassionate souls. And that is a gift every single human being needs during difficult times.

If you are in pain or grieving but feel you must hide it all deep inside, I want you to remember your grief matters and it deserves to be seen. I hope you can find a tribe of people who will always validate your grief whether it is on predictable days or the unpredictable ordinary kind of grief days. It ALL matters.

With Love and Compassion,

Michele