Dear Grief - It’s Been 25 Years
Photo credit @stephanimccabe
Dear Grief -
I feel the subtle pull from you as July 3rd approaches and even though it’s been 25 years since that tragic boating accident on the St. Croix river changed so many things, here you are - yet again. Hovering in the background and ready to pounce like you have done every single year.
Even if I wanted to ignore you, there are too many reminders this time of year. Fireworks, the lake, s’mores and bonfires, the smell of burger and brats, kids splashing in the water, flags, and the colors of red, white, and blue make it difficult to avoid the painful memories from that one moment in time that would change life in the most unimaginable of ways.
Honestly, I can’t believe it’s been 25 years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and then there are moments when it feels like it’s been forever since you rudely showed up at our door.
There was a time, I feared you and tried to push you away. I resented you and didn’t want anything to do with you for years. It hurt too much and trying to carry you around from one day to the next was overwhelming and I didn’t know to act or what to do.
There were days it felt like you would swallow me whole and to make it worse, I felt like I had to hide you away from the world. There was nowhere for you to go and eventually you screamed and demanded to be seen and heard.
I worried constantly about my sweet young daughters. Their innocence was stolen that summer and I hated that they had to grow up so quickly and face life without their dad at such a young age. It was so unfair and as a mom who wanted nothing more than to protect their tender hearts, it broke my heart even more when life asked me to break theirs.
Even 25 years later, there is a sense of dread as the Fourth of July weekend approaches and my heart still hurts for my girls. But I’m so proud of them and all they have weathered year after year. Their dad would be in awe of the amazing young women they have grown up to be and now they have little ones of their own.
I would be lying if I said this weekend isn’t hard in ways. The tears still well up and sit on the edge of my heart waiting to fall as the memories come flooding in. In some ways, it’s as if a dark cloud appears without invitation and follows me around when June winds down and summer welcomes the month of July back. I can still remember every detail from that tragic weekend even though it’s been 25 years. And while you are no longer as heavy for me to carry, I will never forget the heartbreak and shock that came with you back then.
Time hasn’t healed all of the wounds but I must say that you have softened and I have learned you are not the enemy. I no longer fear you and I know that you are a natural and necessary part of life after loss. You are here and continue to stick around because someone mattered so much and because someone is still missed.
The truth is, it was when I accepted the finality of death and learned to invite you in instead of pushing you away, I was able to find my way back to living my life and with time, lots of hard work, and grace I found hope and purpose again. As ironic as it is, some of who I am today is because of you and I have learned to walk beside you and carry you in my heart.
It wasn’t easy. The journey of loss and grief is long and hard. Loss changed me and I had to become a different version of myself. But I kept moving even if it was in the smallest of ways and I refused to let you destroy me and I never gave up.
You have made me a more kind and compassionate person and I know how important it is to show up for others when the darkest of life’s storms roll in. You have taught me so much about what matters in life and to never take the people I love for granted. You remind me of how short life is and to forgive and to be present as much as I possibly can.
I learned how resilient I truly am and with time, it became clear that I had a choice to make. I could let the pain that accompanied you keep me stuck or I could choose to live a different but meaningful life again.
It took me a while to figure out that I could grieve through the ugliest of things AND still find the beauty in life. I learned that it was possible to grieve AND have moments of joy as I figured out how to move forward and rebuild.
You are no longer something I try to avoid but rather I embrace you and I now see you as a soft and sometimes necessary place to land when the sadness rises up and the tears fall. And even when you ambush me when I least expect it, I have learned to better navigate this journey and while it’s 100 percent okay to grieve forever if needed, you don’t have to be in the drivers seat.
I have worked hard these past 25 years to build a beautiful life and I refuse to let you control me nor do I use you as an excuse to settle for less than what I want and deserve. Even if I wanted to ban you from my life, I know it’s impossible because you have continued to show up time and time again with each and every loss I have faced over the years.
You may be messy, unpredictable, exhausting, and incredibly painful at times. But I know you are here for a reason and as bizarre as it might seem to the outside world, I sometimes look to you for guidance and direction when loss turns my life upside down. I have learned to give myself permission to feel all of my emotions and even though you will most likely visit every Fourth of July, I have learned life can still be good and we have learned to have fun and find joy as we watch the fireworks light up the summer skies.
You will always be part of our Fourth of July holiday weekend and yes the weekend comes with painful memories and pieces of sadness every year but you are not the big bad enemy and even after loss, life is still good in so many ways.
I know there are many reasons you have become part of my life and world, but one of the biggest reasons you reside in my heart is because of love. And I’m okay with that.
With love -
Michele