Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda…

Jun 28

When my dad died from alcoholism in his early fifties, I was hit with a wave of emotions that brought so much conflict and confusion, I didn’t know what to do. The grief was so thick I couldn’t see through the dense fog that seemed to swallow me up and one of the feelings I struggled with the most, was undeniable guilt. The dance of woulda, shoulda, coulda found it’s way into my heart quickly that day, and it was a dance that kept me stuck for a very long time.

“I should’ve checked on him more.”

“I should’ve helped him more.”

“I should’ve taken him to the hospital sooner.”

“I should’ve told him I love him more and been a better daughter.”

The words in my head kept coming and battering my grieving brain until the guilt was too heavy to carry, and as irrational as some of my thoughts were, I believed them to be true. My co-dependency was relentless even after death.

Guilt is one of the most common feelings to show up and accompany grief after a life changing loss. I can honestly say, I have felt some elements of guilt every time I have lost someone I love - irrational or not.

And if you have struggled with guilt, it can be a difficult emotion to process and carry. People will often tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about and while that may be true, it’s not that simple. To hear that it “wasn’t your fault” isn’t enough to shake off the cloak of guilt that sometimes wraps itself around a grievers heart.

I understand and one of the things I want you to remember as you read this is that guilt is a feeling and most grievers I talk to share that they are struggling with feelings of guilt.

Guilt like any other feeling needs to be validated and with time, it’s important to find ways to integrate the feelings of guilt as you try to find your way forward in life after loss.

It’s important to acknowledge the guilt and through deep and honest reflection try to find the why behind it.

So why do people experience guilt after loss? Kenneth Doka shared six different types of guilt identified by two researchers, Margaret Miles and Alice Demi in an article written for the Hospice Foundation of America:

Causation guilt is when someone feels guilty and believes they are responsible, because of something they did or did not do, for the death of the person. For example, someone might believe that if they would have made their spouse go to the doctor for a physical, a heart attack could have been prevented.

Role guilt is feeling like you were not good enough. People come to believe they should have been a better husband, mother, sister, friend, son or partner. This is especially common if there were issues in the relationship or if someone was spread too thin as a caregiver. This form of guilt can come with regrets and a lot of “should haves.”

Moral guilt happens if a griever somehow believes that the loss is karma or a form of punishment for a prior act.

Survivors guilt is common after loss. Grievers will sometimes feel guilt because they are here and there loved one isn’t. They find themselves wishing that they had died instead of the person who actually did.

Guilty about grief and recovery grief after loss. People will feel guilty about how they are grieving. They feel they should be grieving more or that they are grieving wrong or in unhealthy ways. Others may feel like they are coping “too well” and should be feeling worse than they do.

There are also other reasons for the guilt grievers often carry:

You feel like you did something wrong.

Grievers often struggle with brain fog and it’s difficult to see things clearly for quite some time. The grieving can find themselves battling a war of irrational and rational thoughts and it becomes far too easy to should all over yourself. Whether irrational or not, our brains often search (even ruminate) for things to feel guilty about and if left unchecked it can swallow you up and take control.

Perhaps you need an answer or need to maintain a sense of control.

It’s normal for grievers to need to find answers and to need to know why. People often gravitate toward guilt and blame searching for answers that don’t always come. It can be difficult to accept that there may never be an answer or that we don’t always have control. It somehow feels unacceptable that there’s nothing that could have been done to change what happened or to change the outcome. While this is rarely true, the intrusion of these thoughts can feel overwhelming and even when irrational, grievers are easily influenced and come to believe these thoughts to be true.

Perhaps we really did do something wrong.

As painful as it is, there are times when people really did do something wrong. No one is perfect and people do make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are huge and lead to consequences that can’t be easily reversed or ignored. Some mistakes are small and perhaps you said or did something hurtful to your loved one or you didn’t say something that needed to be said before they died. Regardless, when mistakes happen, the guilt can feel like an anchor has wrapped itself around your head and heart, trapping you in the pain of it all.

There are so many reasons for guilt after loss and it can be challenging to crawl your way through the thick web guilt spins. But there are things you can do and it’s important to tend to your guilt:

Acknowledge your guilt and name it.
You can’t process something if you don’t know it’s there. It’s important to be aware of and to then acknowledge your guilt. To recognize and understand that guilt is a normal emotion after loss.
Reflect on your feelings of guilt.
This can take some deep reflection. Be honest with yourself. Are your feelings of guilt rational or are you being too hard on yourself? Search for the why behind the guilt you are carrying. If the guilt you carry is irrational, accept that and recognize that just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you are guilty. Don’t let guilt consume you or pull you into a deep dark hole. It starts with noticing when the guilt starts to surface and asking yourself if it’s rational or not.
Let go of the need for control.
Remember, it’s human nature to want to maintain a sense of control and after a devastating loss, everything feels out of control. We search for reasons for everything and it’s common for grievers to need to find answers and in turn they come to believe that if they would have done something different, the outcome would be different as well. This is rarely true. Accepting that we don’t always have control and nothing would have changed the outcome is sometimes necessary and while difficult, it’s important to let that false illusion go.
Forgive.
Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things for human beings to do but it’s necessary if we want to move forward in life and grieve in healthier ways. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget or condone certain behaviors but forgiveness is freeing and it can be helpful through offering a new lens to look through and when trying to live life after loss. Forgiveness is another grief worthy blog all on it’s own, but for now just be aware that it’s important to find ways to forgive others and yourself.
Talk to someone.
If the guilt is weighing so heavily on your heart that you can’t function or find your way out of the maze, it may be time to talk to someone. Find a good therapist, coach, friend, or support group that will listen without judgement and meet you right where you are. Finding a safe space to talk honestly about your guilt is an environment that can be healing and helpful if guilt is consuming you.
Let your guilt help you and others.
Like so many other things in life, guilt can sometimes come with lessons and we can learn from our guilt. This isn’t always clear at first, but with time, it’s possible to uncover an underlying reason for the guilt and when we reflect and observe, we can learn important things about ourselves. We can also use our guilt to help others. When we share our grief stories or talk about our guilt, it gives others permission to do the same and that can be a gift or act of generosity even though it may hurt. We can educate others and raise awareness around mistakes, living life with more intention, or things to avoid.
Balance out the guilt with something positive.
This is easier said than done but remember, grievers need both positive and negative emotions when grief has become part of life. Find your AND. You can carry both grief AND joy. You can carry guilt AND find moments of peace. When you feel like guilt (or any negative emotion) is running the show, acknowledge it but then try to push it out and replace it with something positive. No feeling lasts forever and it’s okay to try to distract yourself from all of the negativity once in a while. For example, if you are feeling guilty for not saying I love you one last time, try to remember all of the times you did say I love you and how connected you were.
I know none of this is simple or easy and the feelings of guilt can be complicated. But I want you to recognize that so many of the things we feel guilty about when grieving, are irrational and lead us down a dead end street. Rarely are there things we woulda, shoulda, or coulda done that can change what happened or alter the inevitable. And the truth is, no one is perfect and we are all human beings doing the best we can from one day to the next.
Go easy on yourself and give yourself endless amounts of grace. Don’t let guilt consume you and pay attention to some of the false narratives you are holding onto. Your grieving heart deserves some peace and it starts with acknowledging, processing, and letting go of guilt.
Sending lots of love your way and as you reflect on your grief and your guilt, ask yourself if your feelings of guilt are irrational and either way, find compassion and forgive yourself.
With love -
Michele