Happy (Sad) Father’s Day

Photo credit @timmossholder

It’s hard to believe it’s June and as we roll on into tomorrow, another Father’s Day is here. I feel like I just wrote about Mother’s Day and how difficult and challenging that can be but I must say that Father’s Day can be equally difficult for those who have lost someone special in their lives and are struggling to adjust to life without them here.

When people think of Father’s Day they often think of golf, an afternoon barbecue, a nap in their favorite chair, celebrating and gathering with family and friends. And for many, it is a happy day to celebrate and honor their favorite guys and it’s a day that deserves to be celebrated and shared.

But for others, Father’s Day can be difficult. It’s filled with sadness, emptiness, grief, and it serves as a reminder that someone loved is absent and it’s hard to ignore that empty place at the dinner table or the empty chair.

And the day can hurt for many reasons and often we grieve for more than just our dads. Sometimes we grieve for a husband, favorite uncle, brother, a grandpa, step-dad, a mom who maybe played both parental roles, a role model in life, or a really good friend. Different people play different roles in life and I learned a long time ago, that we can love, mourn, and grieve for lots of different people who have made a difference in our lives. Love is sometimes thicker than blood and regardless of who it is, grief will show up if there is love.

Grief will also show up on Father’s Day for those dads who have lost a child or have always dreamed of having a child but it has not happened yet. The day can also be difficult for anyone who has an estranged relationship with a child or dad.

Regardless of the reason, honor your grief and pain. It’s all heartbreaking and valid.

Father’s Day is hard for me for so many different reasons. I lost my dad from alcoholism when he was just 52. My step-dad who raised me, died suddenly when I was just 40 years old. My grandpa Pete who was like a father to me died when I was pregnant with my first daughter and the hole of his absence remains. And my first husband who was the father of my two oldest daughters, died in a tragic accident when they were just 6 and 8. My heart will forever hurt for them every Father’s Day.

This Father’s Day hurts a little bit more as we all continue to reel from the loss of our dear friend Tom in January. He was an amazing husband, father, grandpa, and friend and his absence is huge and impossible to ignore. The grief is thick and my heart aches for my friend, her kids, and grandkids as they struggle to face this first Father’s Day without him and like so many people out there, the day will feel heavy and extra hard.

There’s no easy way to handle these difficult milestone days. There’s no magical fix to make it all better and wash the reminders of their absence or take the pain away. This day like so many other important days, may always hurt a little bit regardless of how long it’s been. And that’s okay. It means someone mattered and that they were loved beyond measure.

With that being said, there are things you can do to get through the day and there are things you can do to feel connected to your loved ones even in loss and separation.

Do something that they loved and surround yourself with their favorite things.

Perhaps they loved going to baseball games. Attend a baseball game in their honor with family and friends. Go golfing and wear their favorite golf shirt or hat. Cook their favorite meal and invite family and friends over to share stories, cry and laugh. Toast them with their favorite drink, take a drive to their favorite place, or if they loved nature, spend some time outside tomorrow.

Light a candle in their honor and look through pictures or watch videos of them. Light floating candles and allow them to set sail on your loved ones favorite lake. Wear their favorite sweatshirt and sit by a relaxing fire. Watch their favorite movie or show curled up on the couch. Watch golf in the afternoon (whether you love it or not) because that was one of their favorite things to do. Play their favorite music and dance like no one is watching.

Volunteer at their favorite charity or plant a tree honoring their memory.

Regardless of what it is, doing things that they loved can bring a sense of connection and comfort on those difficult days.

Honor your grief and don’t push it away.

Sometimes it’s instinctual to push our pain and grief away. It feels too heavy or we feel like we have to pretend like all is fine in front of others when we are actually crumbling on the inside. It can be healing and helpful to give yourself permission to grieve. To actually sit with the pain for a bit and if the difficult waves pass, take a break and come back to it. This is your grief journey and you get to do whatever feels right for you on these challenging days.

Self-care is critical.

Days like Father’s Day can take a toll on a griever mentally, emotionally, and physically. There are painful reminders everywhere and you may feel more exhausted as you try to navigate your grief. People often forget to take care of themselves and self-care is one of the first things grievers let go of. But it’s important to be aware and to make choices that will help you and not hurt you along the way.

You don’t have to run a marathon or eat a gourmet meal. Self-care can be as simple as staying hydrated, getting outside for a dose of sunshine, going for a walk in nature, meeting a friend for coffee, taking a nap, eating small but healthy snacks throughout the day, or just having a really good cry.

It’s okay to set boundaries, say no, change your mind, or cancel plans too.

Perhaps you need to be with other people or perhaps you prefer to curl up in a blanket and retreat within yourself. There’s no right or wrong way to manage difficult days - there’s only doing what feels right for you.

Do something kind for yourself.

If the day feels like too much and you are on overload with the grief you are trying to manage and carry, it’s okay to take a break from it and do something that brings respite and distraction. No one can grieve 24/7 and we all need breaks from the heartache and pain. It’s okay to find things to focus on that pull you away from the grief.

Perhaps it’s getting together with friends or family and doing something fun. Perhaps it’s going shopping, taking a class, or heading to the movies. Get your hair done, go get a massage. Volunteer or do something to help others. Paying it forward not only helps another but it can be helpful to you as well. Paint, write, dance, or engage in an activity that you are passionate about or that brings you moments of joy.

Give yourself grace.

If you are having a hard day, give yourself grace and give yourself permission to feel all that you need to feel. None of this is easy and it’s okay to have a difficult day. It’s also okay if you find yourself laughing and doing something you enjoy. Remember the grief experience is never black or white. It’s possible to be happy AND sad. It’s possible to carry both grief AND joy.

For me, the day comes with lots of sadness but it also comes with moments of joy. I feel fortunate to have had so many wonderful men that I loved and cared about in my life. And I will always remember them, honor them and try to keep their legacy alive. I’m also blessed to have a wonderful husband now. A man who is an amazing father, grandfather, and friend. So I will find ways to honor him in ways that he deserves while remembering those who are gone.

Even in the sadness and pain of grief, it’s possible to remember, smile, and laugh. It’s possible to soak in the beauty that surrounds us even when things feel difficult and dark. Easy? No. Possible? Yes.

I can’t possibly know where you are at in your personal journey and perhaps everything is too damn raw and painful to be able to see even the smallest slivers of light. I get that and have been there and If the only thing you can do is try to survive the day - that’s okay. But please know that things won’t always feel as intense or as painful as they do right now. Grief will soften with time and eventually it’s possible to focus more on the love than the pain. Don’t give up.

You are in my heart and I care. So instead of saying Happy or Sad Father’s Day, I’m going to just remind you that your grief matters, your loved one matters, you matter, and you are loved on what can be a difficult day.

Hugs.

michele