Will I Get Through This?

Photo Credit - Evan Dennis.

A devastating loss can leave you feeling like your life is in shambles and it literally can feel like nothing looks familiar or feels the same for a really long time. Life can feel like it’s coated with uncertainty as you stumble through the maze of grief wondering if you will find your way out and to the other side of the pain.

I get it and understand. I have been there more than once over the years and it can be a really scary place to be.

No two losses are the same and everyone will grieve in their own personal and unique way. I can’t tell you exactly how your grief journey will unfold and it’s impossible for me to know exactly how you feel, but I do know it’s possible to rebuild a life after loss. It’s possible to move forward even if you’re carrying the weight of grief and it’s possible to find hope, happiness, and purpose again.

With that being said, the road is long and difficult. There are no quick detours to take you far around the pain after loss. Unfortunately, the only way is to head straight into the center of the storm and yes, it may feel like it will swallow you whole.

But you can and will survive it. You can get through this even though your life will look different than it did before. Loss changes people and it can take time to figure out who you are and who you want to be after loss. You can rebuild your life and you can find your place back in the world.

So the question is how?

Honestly, I wish I had an easy answer and I wish I could send you a map that would lead you out of the maze you find yourself in. I wish I could send you instructions on exactly what to do from one day to the next. But it’s not that simple. No two people will grieve exactly the same and what works for one person may not work for you.

However, there are things you can do. Things that can help you as you fight to get through this nightmare and push forward out of the pain.

I don’t have all of the answers but I wanted to share a few things that have helped me.

Give yourself permission to feel and to grieve.

We live in a world that is often uncomfortable with grief. Sadly, grievers feel pressured to pretend like they are doing “just fine” and they often hide their pain. This comes with consequences and it can keep people stuck. You have every right to grieve and in whatever way feels right for you. Grieving isn’t wrong. It’s human so give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions and to grieve. You can’t outrun grief and one of the only ways to get through a devastating loss is to feel the pain and to grieve.

Does this help me or hurt me?

Life after loss often feels like it’s in complete ruins and it’s easy to lose yourself and to feel completely lost. Grievers often struggle with exhauston and it’s common to feel overwhelmed. Very little makes sense and as human beings, people often reach for the quickest and easiest things to numb their pain. There are tools we can all use to help in the fight to survive a loss and then there are those things that do more harm than good. Be aware of the choices you are making and what are your coping tools? Ask yourself the question, “is this helping me or hurting me” and if something makes you feel worse, it might be time to change course and try something new.

Know your limitations and set boundaries.

Grief is exhausting and the journey of grief often takes a toll on our minds, bodies, and hearts. You know yourself better than anyone and it’s important that you know and honor your limitations. Set boundaries in and around your heart and your grief. It’s okay to say no, cancel plans, or change your mind. And as one fellow griever reminded me, it’s also okay to say yes. Loss requires so much of you and it’s important that you create boundaries so that you are not constantly bending and sometimes breaking from the unrealistic expectations of the outside world. You get to choose what your path forward looks like.

Ask for help.

I have always struggled with asking for help. I don’t want to be a burden to others and somehow I have always thought it’s a sign of strength to be able to handle everything on my own. But this comes with a price. You are just one person and a grieving one at that. It’s impossible to do it all and you shouldn’t have to. It’s okay to lean on others and ask for help. I understand that you may not always know what you need after a heartbreaking loss, but don’t hesitate to reach out to your tribe if you are struggling and need help with anything. Family and friends want to help but don’t always know what to do. I’m guessing there are people in your life that would love to grocery shop, cook a meal, walk the dogs, or run errands for you. As hard as it can be, sometimes we just have to ask. I have learned that it takes a village. Whether it’s one person or ten, find your village.

Share your story.

While there are some people who prefer to grieve in private and don’t like to talk about their feelings, most grievers need and want to talk about their loss, grief, and pain. Even years later, it can be healing to share your feelings and your story with someone and there’s nothing wrong with that. There is healing through sharing our stories and it’s important to find a safe space and safe people where you can be honest about all you are going through. It’s important to be able to talk about your loss and say your loved ones name. Don’t hide it from the entire world. Your story matters. Your loved one matters. Your grief matters. Even if it’s a stranger, there are people who will listen and support you without judgement. And sharing our stories gives others permission to do the same.

Keep moving.

It’s easy to get stuck in the middle of the mess and there were many days that I didn’t feel like doing anything. It’s okay to have days like that but it’s also critical to keep moving even if it’s crawling one inch at a time. In the early days, weeks, and months after loss, I didn’t think I had a choice. I believed I was never going to emerge from the pain. But I learned that I had the ability to choose how I responded to the pain of loss and eventually I chose to live my life again. It started with moving (slowly) every single day. It doesn’t matter what you do but it’s helpful to do something. Even if it’s as simple as taking a shower, making a smoothie, throwing in one load of laundry, or getting outside for 10 minutes. Doing just one thing can give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment when in the thick of things. Start small and build from there.

Self-care is essential to your healing and well-being.

One of the first things people forget about is taking care of themselves when grieving a difficult loss. Even the most basic of things like nutrition, hydration, rest, and movement are tossed to the side. But the most basic of things are essential to your health, healing, and well-being. Grief takes a toll on people mentally, physically, and emotionally. But you can’t work on anything if you are depleted and have nothing left in your gas tank. I’m not saying you have to train for a marathon or cook gourmet meals. Again, start small. Keep a water bottle with you at all times and sip on water throughout the day. Keep healthy and nutritious go to snacks around. Have an apple. Eat a piece of string cheese. Drink one smoothie every day. Sip on warm tea as warmth is good when grieving. Move your body even if it’s going for a short walk outside every day or doing gentle stretching at home. Practice deep breathing. Rest when needed and in a perfect world get as much sleep as you can even though I know it can be hard to sleep after loss. There’s only one you. Take care of yourself. You matter.

Be kind to yourself.

Grievers tend to be hard on themselves. They believe they are crazy, less than, or a burden to the world. This isn’t true. Grieving is one of the most natural and normal things human beings will do and EVERYONE will grieve. Talk to yourself with kindness. Push away the negative self-talk. Remember, what you believe matters. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally. Meet yourself right where you are and need to be versus where others need and want you to be. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Find things that bring you even the smallest doses of joy and then try to do them as often as you can. Do at least one kind thing for yourself every day. Stop apologizing for every little thing you say and do. Sprinkle a lot of self-compassion around and love yourself fiercely through the storms of loss.

Be curious.

Grievers often tell me they have no hope. Everything feels dark and like they will never find hope again. Remember - there is always something to hope for even if it’s hoping to survive another day and eventually, hope that you will live a full and meaningful life again. It helped me to be curious. I started to be curious about what life had to offer my grieving self down the road. I started to wonder about the possibilities again. It helped to push me forward. I know your life has changed in the biggest of ways and I know how painful life and loss can be. But you are not doomed to a lifetime of suffering and intense pain. Things can soften and there is a path forward for you. Be curious about what your life can look like even if grief has moved in and plans to stay.

There are so many other things I could share but these can help and you have to start somewhere. Life will be different now but with nothing but understanding and compassion, I believe life can be good again. There’s no magic fix and it takes grit, grace, and lots of hard work. But it’s possible.

Human beings have an inherent capacity to adapt and survive to even the most tragic and unbearable of things. It doesn’t mean there won’t be lots of setbacks, bumps, and bruises along the way. You are more resilient than you think and with courage you can rebuild.

I’m sorry you know the pain of loss and grief. My heart stands with yours and it’s my hope you can find even the slightest crumbs of hope as life continues to unfold for you. Even after loss.

Will you get through this? Yes. Will it be easy? No. But you can and I for one believe in you.

With love -

michele