It’s Okay To Say No

I don’t know about you, but I’m a self-prescribed people pleaser and even when grieving, I have struggled with setting boundaries or saying no. But I’m working on it and it’s 100 percent okay to say no.

The truth is, it’s important to know your limitations when grief settles into your life, heart, and home. It’s important to your well-being to be able to set boundaries and to say no. The ability to do those things are critical acts of self-care and can make a huge difference as you learn to move forward in life after loss.

Trust me when I say I know it’s not an easy thing to do. What should be simple is often incredibly difficult and for some, saying one small word can come with challenges at any time in life let alone when someone is grieving a devastating loss.

The word no can hold great power and it’s important to honor your needs, your grief, and it’s important to recognize your capacity to do (or not) do certain things when loss has turned life inside out.

The world will expect unrealistic things of you even after a heartbreaking loss. You will be asked to do things you never thought you could do and there will be demands placed on you that feel really hard if not impossible from one day to the next.

I don’t have to tell you how exhausting and overwhelming the journey of grief can be. Loss changes so many things and it’s no wonder we as grievers often feel like we don’t have the bandwidth to function in the same capacity as before.

Priorities change. Values change. Interests change. Tolerance changes. What matters the most changes and it’s no surprise when a griever no longer has time for drama, complaining, or idle chit chat about things that just don’t matter to them anymore.

Be aware of these changes. Honor your needs and yes, it’s okay to be selfish once in a while.

Listen to your body. Recognize when you are burnt out and beyond exhausted. Recognize when you don’t have the ability to do everything you once did and set boundaries for what you can and can’t do. Set boundaries in and around what you want and don’t want to do.

Loss most likely changed you and it can be challenging to know who you are for a while. It can take time to settle into a very different life and to know your place in your changed world. It can be difficult to know what you want and need and I understand that it can be incredibly hard to ask for help.

But remember, you are just one person and a grieving one at that. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to lean on others. And it’s OKAY to say no.

It’s okay to decline invitations. It’s okay to go and then leave early if your grief ambushes you and you need to retreat and go home. It’s okay to change your mind and if you are up to it, it’s okay to go and even have a good time.

It’s okay to take a grief day if you can. There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s okay to have bad days and struggle to get much of anything done at all. Cut yourself some slack and know that when grieving, rest, respite, taking breaks, and saying no are necessary and represent self-compassion and love.

It’s also important to keep moving even in the smallest of ways. And if you are struggling to find the energy or motivation to do much of anything, start super small. Perhaps it’s as simple as taking a shower, making a piece of toast, answering emails for five minutes, or going for a 10 minute walk outdoors. Baby steps are fine and admirable.

And the truth is, saying no is sometimes a huge accomplishment and one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.

Loss and the journey of grief are hard. There’s nothing easy about walking this path and please don’t apologize for taking care of yourself. Don’t feel bad for saying no or putting your grieving self first when you can.

You can and will get through this and while things may never look or feel quite the same, life can eventually show you beauty, hope and joy again.

You don’t have to please everyone else. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology for saying no or for grieving in whatever way feels right for you. With time, grief can soften and you can integrate the loss and the grief you carry into your life. You can live a full and purposeful life again. Even when the yearning, missing, and grief remains.

Baby steps. It’s okay to say no. I promise.

With love -

michele