Brothers and Sisters and Loss…Oh My!

November is Worldwide Bereaved Siblings Month and while I have not lost any of my siblings, I know so many people who have had to face this devastating loss. And as we head into November, I can’t help but think about how painful it would be to lose my brother or sisters.

It’s great that there is a month designated to observe bereaved siblings but sibling loss rarely gets the acknowledgement or support needed and the grief that accompanies losing a brother or sister often flies under the radar.

The lack of support in and around sibling loss is unfortunate and it’s wildly unfair.

If you think about it, the bond and relationship so many siblings share runs deep. It’s a significant and heartbreaking loss that doesn’t get the attention it deserves.

Following a sibling’s death, support tends to focus more on the surviving spouse and their children (if the siblings are adults) or on the parents who have lost their child. The siblings are often neglected in their grief and far too often, siblings are left out.

Sympathy sometimes comes to the siblings but then takes a turn when people ask them how the “immediate” family or the parents are doing. Even younger siblings and teens are asked how their mom and dad are doing and reminded to look out for them.

Somehow siblings are lost in the shuffle of loss and grief but losing a brother or sister regardless of age, should never be forgotten or marginalized. It’s a significant loss and most siblings will face deep and profound grief for the rest of their lives.

There are several reasons why losing a sibling delivers such a devastating blow and regardless of how young or old the siblings are, it’s a a long and painful journey.

A sister or brother shares a personal and unique history that no one else can relate to or understand. Siblings are a core part of our formative years, whether good or bad.

Siblings share a common bond through family history, life experiences growing up, and childhood memories. And sometimes a sibling is also a person’s best friend.

It’s also important to note that children and teens who lose a sibling face a special set of challenges that’s different from adults. The death of a sibling in the younger years can impact health, school, development, and self-esteem. Sometimes kids will act out in negative ways either to get attention or because they don’t know how to cope with their grief and pain. It’s common for kids to have fear and anxiety as they worry about losing someone else or their own mortality.

And, so many surviving siblings feel alone, and struggle to relate to their peers. No one seems to understand and it can be extremely isolating.

How could losing a sibling not be a huge loss and lead to overwhelming grief? When a brother or sister dies, one of the most important connections to ones past is suddenly gone. Siblings share in and know things about one another from the early years that no one else can possibly relate to and especially not as an adult.

Sibling loss is tough and it can leave a huge hole that’s impossible to fill. One of the threads that created a link to the past and to your family is suddenly broken and lost.

I’ve had people share that losing their sibling left them sad but also angry and alone. They counted on their siblings being there to help take care of their aging parents and keep family traditions going.

Others have shared how different family gatherings are and that nothing feels the same. There’s that empty chair at the table and if the sibling that died was the oldest, it can quickly lead to a change in roles. A role people have known their entire lives.

Even if people are not in touch daily, losing a brother or sister is a reminder that ones family is getting smaller and it can raise awareness of our own mortality. And of course, similar to so many losses, if there were any relationship issues between siblings at the time of death, it can lead to complicated grief or feelings of guilt and regret.

Siblings sometimes feel abandoned by their own parents when they need them the most. Parents are so distracted by their own grief it can be difficult to provide support to their other kids and siblings will feel forgotten and abandoned in the middle of the chaos.

Society needs to do a much better job at supporting and acknowledging sibling loss. It’s heartbreaking and life looks different in so many ways after losing a brother or sister.

This is a topic I could write so much more about but what’s most important is that we change the conversation around losing a brother or sister. It’s great that there is a month dedicated to acknowledging sibling loss but we all need to personally acknowledge family, friends, and colleagues who personally know the pain of losing a sibling. Regardless of the age.

Surviving siblings need love, support, and compassion. They need to feel seen and heard in their grief. Siblings need to feel understood and sometimes they need people to just listen and sit with them in their pain.

I’m truly sorry if you’ve lost a sibling and my heart stands with yours as you try to navigate life without someone who was such a big part of your past and who you are. I’m sending you lots of love and I’m here to listen if you need and want to share.

Sibling loss matters and so does your grief. Always and forever.

With love -

michele