I Didn’t Get It Until Now

I know a lot of people who have lost their mothers over the years and while I certainly had nothing but compassion, I didn’t get it. Until now.

My mom died last fall and the death of my dear mother has turned my world upside down. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the heartbreak I would feel on October 22nd of last year and one year later, still feel.

I learned that it doesn’t matter how old you are. To lose the person who gave you life or raised you is an indescribable pain that no words of comfort can take away.

And the hole left in my heart is both wide and deep.

At some level I knew that losing a mom was a big deal and if I would really sit and think about it, I could imagine how devastating losing a mother would be.

But like so many things in life, it’s impossible to truly get it or understand until you experience it yourself. Until you walk in the shoes that take you down the path of grieving for your own mother, it’s difficult to know the depth of pain and grief that quickly takes over your life.

My mother was my person. She was with me my entire life and loved me through the best and worst of times.

And oh the memories.

We watched the Price is Right together and she bought me a pair of red bell bottoms and a holly hobby shirt at K-mart after enjoying an Arby’s roast beef sandwich and a cup of hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.

We loved watching episodes of Carol Burnett and would try to impersonate Mama and Eunice when waiting for our clothes to dry at the laundromat.

There were endless Friday night fish fries, camping trips, Dairy Queen runs for Fiesta Parfaits, and playing cards.

Going to Farrel’s Ice Cream parlor for “the zoo” or the Jaws movie for my birthday parties as a kid was always a hit and she was my biggest cheerleader when I would try to twirl baton.

She held me when I was sick or hurt. She was the one that had to break my heart when my best friend was killed and then held me when I wailed and cried. She was there when my first daughter was born (on her birthday) and we would talk for hours every week on the phone.

She was such a wonderful grandmother and was always there to help. She never judged and was an emotional lifeline regardless of what I was going through.

And in the last few years of her life, we watched countless Hallmark movies, Days of Our Lives, enjoyed Starbucks and our special coffee chats, went to the movies, out to lunch, and loved going for car rides.

Our daily phone calls never stopped and she would continue to love me, support me, and worry about me whenever I was hurting or sick.

She was my mom and life without her will never be the same. There is a void that can’t be filled and while I have so many wonderful people in my life, no one can replace her.

I didn’t get it until now. And oh how my heart hurts for anyone who knows the pain of losing their mom.

A mother’s love is special and no one loves you quite like a mom. It doesn’t mean moms are always perfect but imperfections and all, my mom was simply the best. I changed the day she took her last breath and I miss her in ways that are difficult to explain.

I would give anything to talk to her right now. I would give anything to hear her infectious laugh again. I would give anything to feel one of her hugs.

But I can’t and my heart feels heavy today.

You never know when it will be the last hug, the last I love you, or the last time to do something with your dear sweet mom. Don’t take the time you have for granted and never miss a chance to tell her how much she’s appreciated and loved.

For anyone missing their mom, I get it and I’m sorry you know this pain. It doesn’t matter if your loss is recent or if many years have passed by. It’s so hard.

My heart stands with yours today and always.

And mom, I love you forever.

Many Hugs,

Michele