Comfort, Connection, and Grief Rituals
It’s been 24 years since my first husband died in a tragic boating accident on July 3rd. And while our family has moved forward in life and learned to enjoy the 4th of July again, the tragedy that changed so many lives forever, still weighs heavily on our hearts and minds.
In the earlier years and when the kids were still young, we found ways to honor their dad every 4th of July. We would light tea light candles and release them into the lake at night. And at the funeral, the kids wrote letters and released RED balloons up into the sky.
Personally, I would stay up until 1:25 AM on July 3rd ( when he died) and do a symbolic toast every single year. Sometimes I would be alone and sometimes friends or family would stay up with me and collectively we would do a toast and cheer.
I’ve been doing that for 24 years and as crazy as it might seem to the outside world, it’s something that brings me comfort and it’s something I need to do.
I don’t expect anyone to understand and again, the journey of grief is a personal one. Everyone grieves in their own personal and unique ways and it’s the same concept when it comes to rituals after losing a loved one.
Believe me when I say there have been times when staying up was a challenge and I just wanted to go to bed. But it’s become an important ritual for me and my grief.
When someone you love dies, everything changes. Change can be incredibly difficult but regardless of the ritual, rituals can help people to feel less alone and help to find connection and meaning after loss. Rituals can help people adapt to change.
So what is a ritual? A ritual is any action done with a purpose to connect people to something or someone else. They can be done just once, every year on the anniversary of the loss, or when grief feels extra heavy or the emotions of grief bubble up.
Some people will do a ritual on the deceased persons birthday or on an anniversary. Others might do a weekly ritual for a while. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to rituals, and it’s a personal choice.
Rituals can bring comfort and they can also provide meaning and connection when trying to process grief or honor someone you love after loss. Rituals can also help you to reconnect with your loved one or keep their memory and legacy alive.
Funerals and memorial services are common grief rituals that people will plan after losing a loved one, but there are several other rituals that can bring comfort, connection, and healing when grief has become part of life.
Some examples of rituals might include:
Lighting a candle at certain times or on a special day.
Listening to your loved ones favorite music.
Creating a book of favorite photographs, letters, or notes in memory of your life together.
Visiting the gravesite and planting your loved ones favorite flowers.
Wearing a favorite shirt or piece of jewelry that belonged to your loved one.
Planting a tree in their memory.
Releasing balloons into the sky.
Lighting lanterns and sending them down the river or up into the sky.
Making a donation in their memory or participating in a yearly walk or event every year.
Preparing and eating their favorite meal on a special day.
Celebrating your loved ones birthday and lighting candles on a birthday cake.
Visiting their favorite spot and going on a hike each year.
Writing a letter or postcard to your loved one.
Whatever ritual you choose, do something that feels connective and comfortable for you. You don’t have to justify or explain your personal rituals to anyone. And regardless of what others think, this is about YOU.
Give yourself permission to create and do rituals that have personal meaning for you. Rituals will often stir up emotions and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel deeply, cry, laugh, or grieve. There’s no right or wrong way to feel.
Rituals have been happening since the beginning of time and most rituals can bring a sense of comfort and peace when you need it the most.
And rituals can evolve and change over time too. You may do a ritual for the rest of your life or you may eventually stop doing a ritual after a few years. That doesn’t mean you have forgotten your loved one or that grief has come to an end. It simply means you and your grief are changing over time.
It’s also important to note that not everyone will have a ritual after losing a loved one. Again, there are no rules when it comes to loss and grief. Do what feels right for you.
Personally, rituals keep me grounded and connected to my loved ones. And I can’t imagine letting these rituals go anytime soon.
This is your grief journey and you get to choose how to grieve after loss changes your life.
What kind of rituals bring you connection and comfort?
As always, sending you love.
Michele