The holiday season is upon us and honestly, I am always shocked at how fast another year unfolds and here we are trying to do it all - again - as another holiday season kicks in. Keeping that in mind, I want to remind you it’s okay to grieve and you don’t have to be overflowing with joy and do it all when grief is laying heavily on your heart.

Honestly, the holidays are hard when grieving and I hope you are honoring your heart and your grief. But I also know that sometimes, there are things that have to be done during the holidays even when you don’t want to do them. Things you somehow manage to do - while grieving.

Grievers tend to be hard on themselves. There is a lot of self-doubt and sadly, the grieving often feel bad for feeling bad and the story they tell themselves is that they are either doing something wrong or letting others down. And this can be especially true during the holidays.

If you are feeling this way and struggling, I want you to try and shift your perspective just a bit. Adding in two simple words could help to ease the pressure and help you to feel better about yourself and your grieving heart. Instead of falling into the trap of “I should have” and being hard on yourself for what you didn’t do, what if you focused on the things you did do and then added on the words, while grieving.

I went to work today…while grieving.

I didn’t cook a huge holiday meal but I ordered pizzas for everyone…while grieving.

I braved the craziness of the holiday season and bought a few gifts…while grieving.

I didn’t wrap this year but I found a few holiday gift bags…while grieving.

I didn’t put up a tree but I set out a few of my holiday snowmen and put up a few sparkly lights…while grieving.

I didn’t stay long at the holiday party but I made an appearance…while grieving.

I didn’t bake cookies this year but I went to a local bakery and bought beautifully decorated cookies…while grieving.

I didn’t go to the company holiday party but I wrapped up in a cozy blanket, made a warm cup of tea, built a fire, and watched my favorite movie…while grieving.

I bought gifts for my kids, filled their stockings, and put out cookies and milk for Santa…while grieving.

Here’s the thing. All of the things people try to do and be during the holiday season is exhausting and hard without grief. But when grieving, everything feels extra hard and it’s challenging to find the energy to do it all. And the truth is, grievers don’t always want to do it all. It’s difficult to get in the holiday spirit or feel motivated to do all of the things they might have done in the past. Some grievers would prefer to stay in bed, skip the holidays and fast forward to the new year.

I realize that there are some things that can’t be “skipped” and whether you feel like doing them or not, you may be in a situation that requires you to push through it and just get them done. Perhaps you have young children and you are trying to make the holidays special for them. Perhaps you have an elderly parent and you need to spend time with them and bring them some holiday cheer.

Whatever happens this season and regardless of how much or how little you are able to do, I want you to give yourself credit and add on the words “while grieving” to everything you manage to accomplish this year. The holidays are overwhelming and when grieving it IS hard to do so many of the things society asks of you. Expectations run high during the holiday season but instead of trying so hard to meet everyone else where they need and want you to be, remember that it’s okay to meet yourself where you are and need to be. To cut yourself some slack and stop shoulding all over yourself.

It’s okay to say no, set boundaries, or to cancel plans. It’s okay to change your mind or leave the party early.

It’s okay to skip some of the things you usually do or to find a compromise and simplify things this year.

You don’t have to be all merry and joyful every moment of the holiday season and if you need to cry or feel sad, permission granted.

Let go of the guilt and remember that whatever you manage to do today, it’s enough.

And when you are feeling like you should have done more, I want you to remember all the things you accomplished this holiday season. I want you to say, “I did it…while grieving” and from where I stand, that’s remarkable and I’m proud of you.

Sending you and your grieving heart lots of love wrapped in understanding and compassion-while grieving.

With love,

Michele