What the f*#K!…..

I’ve said this too many times to count in the past 19 days and sometimes there are no words when loss strikes without warning and there’s no time to prepare. The truth is, I have struggled to grasp the reality of losing our dear friend and I don’t want it to be real.

Somehow what the f*#k seems to be the only sentence that makes any sense to me as we walk around our home bumping into walls feeling lost and in tears.

How could this have happened?

Life wasn’t supposed to go this way.

We had plans and so many things to do and see.

He was fine.

We just had dinner a couple of days ago.

I just talked to her yesterday.

He was in great shape.

She was one of the healthiest people I know.

He was so young.

We were supposed to take our dream trip this year.

He just retired.

She just graduated and was so excited about college or her new job.

He just got his drivers license.

What the f*#k!

When someone dies, there are so many what ifs and so many should haves. There are so many fallen hopes, dreams, and regrets.

It’s really hard to make sense out of loss and losing a loved one leaves people asking a question that rarely has a good answer. Why?????

It’s difficult to comprehend all that comes with loss and it can take months to accept this new and brutal reality. It’s painful to accept the unacceptable and there may be some things you never completely accept.

The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things human beings have to face and endure in the journey of life. Life changes in ways that are difficult to plan for and when those changes land, it leaves most people feeling lost and like they no longer fit in.

Perspectives shift and the grieving are forced to take off their rose colored glasses and look at life through a different and foggy lens.

Suddenly the earth tilts and the world looks different than it did before. Trying to navigate the rocky terrain of grief can feel like walking in the middle of the desert in a sand storm. It’s easy to lose your bearings and to feel stuck and fighting to catch your breath under the dunes of grief. And in those moments of uncertainty, it’s scary to step into the unknown.

What the f*#k!

I get it and I understand how heartbreaking loss is. I know how difficult it is to accept the unacceptable and to fight your way forward. I know how confusing everything feels and to struggle to find the words. I understand how exhausting grief is and how challenging it is to make sense of a world you no longer recognize or fit in.

But I also want you to remember that life won’t always feel this hard. Life will feel different and the grief will remain, but the grief you carry won’t always feel this intense or consume you all the time. Grief will soften. It won’t be as raw or cut you as deep as it does right now.

The rocky terrain will smooth out and you will be able to find your way forward again. Hope can be restored and happy moments will return.

It doesn’t mean you won’t have bad days even years down the road. It doesn’t mean you won’t always have an ache in your heart or days when the tears come.

If the loss is significant enough, most people will grieve for the rest of their lives. That’s okay and perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Time will keep marching on and life will pull you along. You will learn to adapt and as reality continues to settle into your broken but healing heart, you may still have plenty of days when the only thing you want to say is, “what the f*#k!”

Take care of YOU and I’m always sending lots of love.

michele

**Sorry for the implied F word but lately it is one of the only statements that makes sense in the middle of this painful chaos.